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Friday, March 1, 2013

The Slapdash Report, The (Swim) Brief Edition.

As predicted I am already running out of ways to make my Slapdash "A Current Affair" Report amusing.  Did you watch Shaun Micallef the other night? Another bastard stealing all my ideas.  Trust me, I had an absolutely hilarious Report prepared but he used all my jokes. I am not lying*. Some people are just so damned uncreative. If you want to see all my brilliant ideas, go here. I have sent him a terse email from my lawyer**.

In order to squeeze some mileage out of my tired old concept this week, I've decided to write the Slapdash Report from the perspective of Tony Abbott's budgie smugglers.

My other reports are available here.


[Source] Courier Mail. Leader of the Opposition Tony Abbott putting all us ordinary sloths to shame yet again. Doesn't he realise his fellow Australians are all obese junk food addicts who hate athletic over achievers? Who is his media adviser I'd like to know!?

Dear diary,

Woke up early this morning when Tony stuffed me into his exercise bag along with his musty old towel and running shoes. Sometimes I don't feel like this is a relationship of equals.  He treats me roughly and I just have to support him without question, physically and emotionally.  I want to leave, but I just can't. I adore the man. Nobody wears me better.  

 He was in a foul mood, probably because that red headed harlot Julia Gillard had announced she was going to spend a week in Western Sydney sucking up to bogans, when he had totally had the idea first.  He was angry with me for discouraging him when he first canvassed the concept, but it's not my fault I prefer the idea of a dip at Balmoral Beach to endless laps in the local murky Western Suburbs municipal pool.   

His temper was only made worse by those fools he calls colleagues when they squabbled once again about the refugee visa issue. I wish they understood how much they upset Tony when they fight, and then it's me who suffers when he's so distracted that he forgets to rinse me out in the laundry sink and I go mouldy.

Anyway, dear diary, I'd better go, Tony's shouting at me again. Oh God, what is it now? I'm exhausted from our session this morning, I can't handle another workout of angry swim/jogging.  Don't tell me someone's mentioned his "women problem" again. I wish those shrill feminists would just shut UP and leave the poor man alone.  Anyone who loves watching Downton Abbey with his daughters is obviously totally down with all that equal rights stuff.

Ever yours,

B. "Speedo" Smuggler

There you go guys, out of the mouth of babes togs.

Until next time.

Your faithful servant,

Slapdash Mama.


*I am actually lying. I do that sometimes. I know, despicable.
**Lying again. Practically pathological, really!


32 comments:

  1. It disturbs me that you can write a quite amusing little letter from inside the mind of Tonys dick stickers. What the hell is wrong with you?!

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    1. Quite amusing? Super hilarious, thank you! Haha. I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel frightened. Also, still hqvent posted your prize. It's getting crappier by.the second...

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    2. Or is the anticipation making the prize more AWESOME?

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    3. Yes! What you just said. AWESOME.

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  2. Super hilarious - side clutchingly funny - knicker wettingly hysterical ... have I soothed your adulation need yet ... ;)

    I am seriously concerned for you namesake (that's my new nickname for you btw -cute no???? :))) (henceforth I shall refer to you simply as NS if that's ok?) I've imagined many things when it comes to men but even I have never tried to get my head around a pair of speedos ...

    ps - bloody FB page isn't working properly - no doubt I've stuffed it up - if I ever get the energy to sort it will you like me again ... please ....

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    1. Of course I will!!! Namesake, I am really a martyr to my art. what else will I be forced to imagine in the name of humour I wonder? It doesn't bear thinking about.

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  3. In all honesty, I think they speak more intelligently than the wearer ...

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    1. Some may agree with you Enid. Not I, naturally, being bipartisan and all xx

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  4. Oooh, I pity those pair of budgie smugglers!

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  5. Sarah you kill me! Love it, thanks for the laugh xx

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  6. Sometimes the smugglers get their own back by chafing, no?

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    1. There's something about you Anon. I can't put my finger on it but I like the cut of your jib. Or is it gib? Whatever.

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  7. Hee hee, thanks for the giggle, it's hard to make light of the news when it's already made light of in the media. BTW Downton Abbey ROCKS for shiz xx

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    1. Oh it is the BOMB! I have the Xmas specials and series 3 on DVD to get into this weekend. Woo.

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  8. Dammit I just did a big HIGHlarious comment but lost it - to recap.
    1. Love this.
    2. I once did a race that Tone was in. He was quite good. Better athlete than politician. And yes he wore the deets.
    3. Same year did a half marathon Anna was in. Thank god she didn't deet up.

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    1. That is quite the claim to fame sitdownmummy! I am IMPRESSED TO SAY THE LEAST! You are quite something. I have boundless admiration for athletic types. I hope to be one some day. Haha. No I really do! I don't want to be a blancmange for ever...

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  9. You're nuts (dick stickers? Nuts? See what I did there?)

    I like that in a person.

    You are my kinda peeps.

    Love,
    Gabs x

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    1. I see what you did and I like what I see! Thanks for commenting Gabs.

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  10. God you're outrageous , either side would be glad to have you on their team , my prediction ? the budgies by a long beak I reckon

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  11. Pretty sure u are right smr. Only time will tell!

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  12. Those dick stickers better harden up. Tony is planning to swim out and stop the boats single handedly.

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    1. Hahaha! Brenda I knew this comment was from you before I even saw your name in it. I agree. Get it together Dicktogs. Tony is all that lies between us and anarchy, immigration wise. He's lathering himself in a layer of.protective grease as we speak, channel swimming style.

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  13. I have returned, the only thing I could find for you was a fridge magnet of pretty tulips. You can hardly see the shagging donkey in it.I need to brush up on Australian politics!

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    1. Tulips sound good. Don't worry about brushing up on Oz politics, there's not much to see...Welcome back!!

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  14. Hilarious! That's my kind of news report. Can't believe that Julia was in my neighbourhood and she didn't call in for a cuppa. Hmph. How rude.

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    1. Very rude! You should tweet her and ask her over.

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  15. I feel the need to sandpaper my eyeballs. Thanks for that photo!

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Vent your spleen! You know you want to.