Slapdash da Vinci needs YOU!

So I'm feeling a bit crook at the moment and had to have yesterday and today off work. DON'T PANIC MUM!

Even though I am feeling off it was still so completely fantastic to be at home and not to have to make the poo of a commute into the city.

I've been lying around and thinking about how good it would be if I could work from home.

Is it too much to ask?  I've been thinking about it and I reckon I've got a plan.

I need a patron.

That show off Leonardo da Vinci had the Medici family practically CHUCKING money at him, right? I mean when they weren't all becoming Popes and whatnot. I don't see what's so special about HIM. I'll give him Renaissance (Wo)Man!

Ole Catherine de Medici just patronising the HELL out of the arts BACK IN THE DAY

I can turn my hand to just about anything! Politics, art, science, poo, farts, bottoms, poo, literature and farts! And I do it all with a smile and some bright lippy! WAY BETTER than all those dreary old robes and floppy hats that he used to get about in.

UGH Leonardo, those floppy hats are so, like, 1500s! YOU NEED SOME POPS OF COLOUR!

See how freaking artistic I am? And take note Leonardo - pops of colour! BAM! I am dead set misunderstood.

I have so much to GIVE! Why won't my talent be recognised? If only some kindly sugar daddy/mummy of a patron would take me under his/her wing and ply me with money, booze, jacuzzis and booze. OK I'd settle just for the money, I am not an unreasonable woman.

SOMEBODY GIVE ME MONEY TO VOMIT CRAP INTO THE ETHER, WON'T SOMEONE GIVE PEACE A CHANCE?

And when I say give peace a chance, I mean give me some money.

As I've mentioned, I've got a lot to offer. I mean, for starters, one of the really FASCINATING things about me is that, unlike everyone around the traps these days, I HAVE NO TATTOOS! That's right people! I have PRISTINE UNTOUCHED SKIN! Acres of it. I am a fleshy ink-free zone! Totally deviant in this day and age. I mean, no tattoos are the new tattoos.

I could totally flog off my HIGH VALUE REAL ESTATE (ie body) to the highest bidder.

Give me money to write and I will tattoo your name/business/political ideology on my arm*. I'll get a freaking SLEEVE, baby! If Mitchell Johnson can do it then so can I.

Or I could, you know, approach it more traditionally and do some of those old faithful sponsored posts for my devoted patron.

I've got some targets in mind.  People with more money than sense (SHHH DON'T TELL THEM I SAID THAT OR THEY WON'T GIVE ME ANY).  Here's my list of possible Slapdash Mama Patrons and Sponsors;

Clive Palmer

Clive, I could write you the sponsored post to end all sponsored posts. I mean, you need some HELP, right? With your IMAGE. What with the new party and all? And the dinosaur park and shit? I CAN HELP WITH THAT! I've got some concepts I've been thrashing around, like "Clive Palmer: More than just a billionaire [SPONSORED POST]", or "Clive Palmer: The Man Behind the Dinosaurs Behind the Titanic Behind the Party Behind the Man [SPONSORED POST], or "Mining! It's Awesome! Let's do all the Mining! Yeah! Mines! [SPONSORED POST]. This could work. IT TOTALLY COULD!

Tom Waterhouse

Well, any of the Waterhouse family really. Well, whoever isn't in jail after all the More Joyous shamozzle. I could do a sponsored post with GIVEAWAY! Tom could giveaway some, you know, HORSE TIPS, to the winner of my competition! About, um, ahem, his mum's horses, and like, the ones that have limps and, erm...well...yeah anyway something like that, WE CAN REFINE THE DETAILS!

Gina Rinehart

I think I could ask Gina to write a regular column on the ole blog on PARENTING! Like, how to have an awesome relationship with your daughters and how to cope when they SUE YOUR ARSE? Either that or I could insinuate myself into her life effortlessly until she finally chucks over ALL her ungrateful children and WRITES ME INTO HER WILL! Her family have quite the tradition of this sort of thing I think you will find. Then I could be a lady of leisure and prattle on the internet to my heart's content. Ok, ok, so maybe she'd make me write the occasional post about how EVIL the mining tax is, how the carbon tax is the devil's work,  and also about how bad the mining tax is, BUT WHO AM I TO QUESTION MY PATRON? I'm flexible, people! Needs must!

Or I could just try and get a job with Fairfax, IT'S BASICALLY THE SAME THING THESE DAYS RIGHT?! Boom tish!

OK, so this sounds like a plan. Of sorts.

OR....I could just decide to host some little ads on my blog and see if anyone wants to advertise on it.

THAT'S RIGHT! I've decided to host some ads on the blog! I AM SO CHEAP YOU WON'T EVEN BELIEVE IT! CHECK OUT MY REASONABLE PRICINGS HERE!

YES! This whole rambling post in which I compare myself to Leonardo da Vinci and suggest that I ask Clive Palmer to patronise me, is a roundabout way of announcing I AM GOING TO HOST ADVERTISING ON THE BLOG! CALL ME!

Let's see how this goes, eh? Anyone out there with a small business, I CAN HOOK YOU UP WITH SOME GOOD SHIT! Well, some pretty good shit. OK, some average shit.

Do YOU have more money than sense yourself? Or a jacuzzi? Fancy yourself a bit of a highbrow patron of the arts type? Or maybe even your own mining company? PLEASE CONTACT ME! CLIVE PALMER I AM LOOKING AT YOU!

*I probably won't actually do this. You know, what with the pain and the kind of stupidity of the concept.