Dress, Memory - or, not a book review.

My primary school years were unbelievably formative.  I went to the same school from pre-school right through to Year 7, and my memories of that time are so vivid, so so vivid. Is that weird? Part of me wants to say that the people I went to primary school with made me who I am today.  But I think that might be hyperbole.  What with parents and relatives and high school and uni and motherhood and work and whatnot doing their level best to mould me like unwilling plasticine since 1992.

Still, it isn't over the top to say that, at least for me, the people I was devoted to in primary school had a lasting influence on me.  I think of them often.  I see them sometimes.  I still remember their birthdays.

When we were in primary school, my friends and I were all interested in reading and writing.  We used to read and act out sections of Roald Dahl novels for our reluctant classmates.  Or at least that's how I remember it.

Whenever I see them, particularly my old best friend A, I can see how we influenced each other, even today. I think grown ups, and parents, underestimate the power those first friendships have on you.  Sometimes when I think of P starting school, and forming those early, firm, fast attachments, I feel kind of a pang.  

One of those little girls from my past has grown up to become a writer. A very good one.  A clever, talented, lovely one.  Her name is Lorelei and she has written a book called Dress, Memory, which is a memoir of her 20s, using one dress from her amazing and enormous vintage dress collection, per decade.

I pre-ordered the book, and got it delivered, signed, with a loving message inside. I devoured it in one day.  The book is based on a blog by the same name but is quite different. It is funny, and lovely, and captures all the ANGST and broken hearts and weird shit that goes down in your 20s when you can't work out who the HECK you are and what on earth you are supposed to be doing with yourself.  I for one had a relatively TUMULTUOUS time in my 20s, love affair wise and friend wise and life choices wise and by GOD I am glad not to be there any more.

It was a bit strange to be reading this book because it felt weirdly like it was part of my story too.  Since going to different high schools, Lorelei and I have dipped in and out of each other's lives, mostly staying in contact due to her diligence and commitment to our old friendship, and more recently her unwavering support of my  embryonic writing "career" haha. Pretty much all those girls I was friends with went to the local Lutheran private school, but I went to the state high school.  I missed them, and was jealous of what I perceived to be their continued closeness. It was strange to read their story from another perspective, because I remember bits and pieces, and stories she told, but never the back story, never the full picture. I've always been slightly in awe of her artistic lifestyle and interesting social network, and embarrassed of my suburban existence, but reading it made me realise WE ARE ALL WEIRDOS WHO KNOW NOTHING.  So many of the anecdotes and emotions were familiar to me. VERY FAMILIAR! Oh god THE YOUNG, HEY, THEY KNOW NOTHING, NOTHING I TELL YOU!

I went to the book launch at Avid Reader. We all wore our own "Dress, Memories". I donned my darling dead Nana's tartan skirt in honour of the occasion.

 

It was a great and emotional night. I went with my cousin B and my almost-cousin K.  We got pretty emo.  There were tears and we remembered the olden days when we used to share a house and each others clothes. WHERE  HAS THE TIME GONE PEOPLE WHERE HAS IT GONE?

I have a lot of feelings about this book that it's hard to express, but mainly, I am just so thrilled and proud of my old dear friend for writing it. It's beautiful, clever, charming, and eloquent.  Just like her.

Everyone should immediately click on this link and purchase it POST HASTE.

Let age be no barrier.

Hello everyone. Life is very busy round these parts, and on top of that I've been doing a lot of unproductive deep thinking about life, love and the universe. And age. Actually, let's face it, I've mostly been obsessing about my age.

I feel really old at the moment. I've realised it has no small part to do with the fact that I am now working part time at a university library again (the same one that my husband works at no less, which is amusing in its own way).  I don't know if you know, but apparently it is possible to now be old enough to be a university student and to also have BEEN BORN IN 1997! WHAT THE !?  The first time I clapped eyes on a PYT's student card and saw her birthday I was momentarily lost for words.  I am ACTUALLY old enough to be her mother.  WAAAAAAAHHHHH! The last time I was employed at a uni library I was the same age as the kids studying there. Hell, I WAS one of the kids studying there! I was partying like it was 1999 (AND IT ACTUALLY WAS!) and working my way through some of the cute shelving staff. DON'T READ THIS MOM!  How things have changed. I'm reeling from the shock frankly.  In the last few months I've gone from working at an ARCHAIC and BUREAURATIC institution where I was still considered YOUNG and CRAZY HIP and OUT THERE, to a cosmopolitan educational institution where I am quite obviously OVER THE HILL.

These days I am;

a) carrying an extra 15kgs

b) embracing the FARSHON concept MATRONLY BOHO which frankly I just don't think the KIDS catch the vision of

c) married

d) a mother

e) battle hardened

f) newly attracted to LIQUID EYELINER

g) prone to making DAD JOKES when the kids come to the desk which CONFUSES and sometimes ENRAGES them

I KNOW! I can't really believe it either.

Here I am preparing to FREAK OUT THE KIDS at work, in a TYPICAL matronly boho ensemble, inspired by Stevie Nicks, Kate Bush and Kath and Kim. If I can't answer a question they ask me, I just whoosh my batwing sleeves around and jangle my bracelets at them until they go away.

Still, I imagine it's not bad practice for when I get out onto the front line in a school and am twenty times everyone's age and still trying to impress them by throwing YOUTH LINGO around and making awkward references to YOUTH CULTURE AND MUSIC and shouting things like "YOLO!" at them like it ain't no thang.

I already have the sense that this will be embarrassing for the teens to whom I inflict this on, and yet it still holds great attraction for me.  I can't wait to get my hands on a class full of spotty teens and start rapping sections of Macbeth or beat boxing underneath someone's monologue. THEY WILL LOVE IT!

And it's kind of fun being an objective observer in amongst the kids of today, because you get to watch their awkward attempts at flirtation with each other, the YOUTH FARSHON, and also I have easy access to lots of DVDs to borrow out. Winning!

One of the whippersnapper shelving staff (they are all students) casually revealed he was 21, and my jaw hit the floor. 

Whippersnapper: It totally sucks I don't get paid as much because of my age

Me: What do you mean? 

Whippersnapper: I'm only 21 you know

Me: [Shocked silence]

Whippersnapper: Yeah, and we are all going to be saddled with huge uni debts when everyone like you got their education for free

Me: Now steady on! I'm not THAT bloody old, mate!

We also had another awkward conversation about his studies.

Me: So, what are you studying?

Whippersnapper: International relations and law.

Me: Oh wow that is so cool! I studied international relations!

[Awkward silence as whippersnapper processes this information and struggles to conceal the disappointment in his face]

Me: Yeah, haha! I used to think I might work for AusAid one day. And now look at me! HAHAHAHA!

[Student fails to conceal the complex mixture of emotions he is feeling - fear that his future will mean he ends up back on the loans desk where he started, pity for me and my disappointing career, fear again, then embarrassment, then back to fear]

That's right, kids, I am the GHOST OF FUTURE YOU, ready to CRUSH YOUR DREAMS WITH A DOSE OF REALITY AND LOTS OF STORIES ABOUT MY SMALL CHILDREN AND THEIR AMUSING PENCHANTS FOR POO AND BUM JOKES!! Mwahahaha.

As well as obsessing about my age I have also been worrying myself SICK about my weight which has ONCE AGAIN notched up another few kgs. AARGH.

So I went and joined a gym.  I walked in with my LOUD floral leggins on, my 4.5 year old girl and B in a pram.  I got a small tour from a MUSCLED TYPE who I assume is what is known colloquially as a PERSONAL TRAINER.  He showed me that they had exercise bikes, cross trainers, weights, free weights and some other weird shit. I mean, was I meant to be impressed? It was a gym, right? I felt like perhaps I was missing something.

Here's me in my fancy leggings. They totally aren't ready for this jelly.

Me: Um, ok. Good-oh

Muscled Type: Yeah, and the {something something machine} does this, and that's really good blah blah

Me: [eyes glazing over} Mmmmhmmm

Muscled Type: So, how do you usually work out?

Me: I don't. 

Muscled Type: You don't what?

Me: I don't work out.

Muscled Type: [Shocked silence]

Me:  I do YOGA though.

Muscled Type: [Snorts] Oh RIGHT, YOGA!

Me: Ugh, it's GOOD for you!

Muscled Type: [Rolls eyes] Yeah, yeah, I know

Anyway, such was the level of my desperation to STRIP MYSELF OF FLAB that I signed up anyway.  Let's see how that goes.   

In other interesting news, I have gained inspiration from PINTEREST and repurposed our change table as a TEA AND COFFEE STATION, thereby reclaiming some bench space and simultaneously looking HIP and CRAFTY. What's not to like??

Aforementioned former change table. No more babies for us, just all the tea and coffee we can drink! 

How are you guys going? Joined a gym recently? Obsessed with your former youth? Repurposed the shizz out of anything interesting?

Mwah.

Bad habits.

Getting back into the blogging swing is hard. Anyway I'm trying. Even though you might think if you read this post that I have confused blogging with Pinterest. Whatever.

I am a woman of many bad habits. These habits include but are not limited to;

• nail biting and picking
• picking scabs
• squeezing pimples
• never having cash in my purse and always having to borrow money off people at work. I never even have cash in my purse for the church collection. Straight to hell.
• comfort eating
• obsessive thoughts
• procrastination 
• obsessive checking of certain websites that may or may not include Facebook
• thinking 24/7 about clothes and about buying clothes even though I have lots of clothes

I like to combine the two latter habits by obsessively trawling through online shopping websites, putting a whole lot of items into a virtual shopping basket, getting to the checkout and realising I don't have the money to spend and dumping the whole lot out again.

I am currently obsessed with the website birdsnest.com.au.

I want all of the things. They have heaps of really nice dresses.

Here's the latest shizz that I covet on their website.

I think if I had a larger collection of suitably brightly coloured and natty coverall kaftan arrangements, my enjoyment of the beach (with my ruddy pork crackling skin) would be increased 11/10.

Another beachy coverall thingo. I need it.

Cute dress, no? I am attracted to this yellow floral print. It speaks to me at a profound level and says "buy me! Throw chafing and caution to the wind!"

Obsessed with all the dresses by this label, "Lazybones". So lovely and they look cool and swishy. And flattering I reckon. I approve of this shape frock, it does wonders for my ample thighs and buttocks and relatively small waist.

Everyone needs a white dress for summer, right? Well, I think they do. I like this one. It would be a good way of hiding unshaven legs. Which let's face it is high priority round these parts.

What's not to like about this top? It has pom poms, it has sort of folksy Mexican embroidery, it's white, it's colourful, it has long sleeves for maximum sun protection.

Can't. Stop. Thinking. About. This. Dress. I mean, naturally I am thinking about Climate Change, Red Cross Appeals, social ISSUES, but also, this dress.

I likie this dressie.

Another excellent way to make the most of a small waist and conceal a hairy leg. I have one maxi skirt and by God I wish I had bought one sooner.

I have heard some terribly sad and upsetting things over the last few weeks, but at least I am soothed by mindlessly perusing clothes on the interwebs.

Do you pretend-shop on the internet? Should I really be doing this on Pinterest? Does anyone even care?

Friday FARSSHHIIOONN!

Hello slapdash fashion pundits.

Hope the week has treated you well.

Something happened this week. Something...questionable.

I bought harem pants.

Behold.

Something very weird has happened to this photo, it's like being in a hall of mirrors. Speaking of mirrors, I wish I had a proper full length one. A girl can dream.

The soft pant arrangement from an alternative angle.

 I was at IKEA the other weekend and looked about me, and discovered that almost to a woman, patrons were sporting harem pants. Left right and centre. And dammit, they looked good. And comfy.

It pains me to admit this because my mother spent all of the 90s and most of the early 2000s dressed in harem pants, in particular a pair of harem pants with a sort of mustard tribal pattern on them. And reader, I used to tease the shizz out of her and say cruel things like "You better not wear those out of the house MUM!" and whatnot.

Behold here my mother's ubiquitous mustard spotted harem pants.

Sorry Mum. I was wrong. Harem pants are where it is at.

Mine are from Katie's and were a bargain I tell you. But they seem to be everywhere. There are upmarket soft pants and downmarket soft pants. I've seen them at Witchery, Katies, Country Toad, Sussan. All the big names. To quote FF.

While I was trying them on there was a gaggle of middle aged ladies also experimenting with the trend.  One of them said, "Oh yes I have a few pairs of those! They are just perfect for those afternoons when you are hanging round the caravan!".

I'm sure they are. Endorsed by grey nomads everywhere.

Anyway I love them and intend to wear them every day for the rest of my life.

Have you bent to the harem pant trend? Would you rather die than get about in soft pants? Do you have a harem? Let me know! I care about your needs and wants!

A bien tot or whatever it is those French types say.

xx

Upset tummy. New clothes.

I'm sorry to sound like a broken record (oh who am I kidding this stuff is my bread and butter) but I am feeling sorry for myself because M has gone away again for work and Baby B and I have had the....look this is going to sound indelicate....we have the Galloping Trots.

I feel better today than I did yesterday. Thank God for my retired father who could come and do his best to help out. Since he has a gammy knee he can't take full control of the ship but at least I had an offsider.

Also my back is still killing me.

I have decided to distract myself by telling you in minute detail about all the new clothes I have bought recently, both with my own pocket money (read: I went to the op shop) and with some Pin Money given to me by the Mater.

Trouble is my phone is missing, and I can't find the camera. SO I can't take any photos. I have decided to make do with description instead.

OP SHOP PURCHASES

- Above the knee Sussan denim skirt - $4!!
- Floral Just Jeans blouse thingo - $3!
- Whit Tshirt thing - $3!

OTHER PURCHASES

- Stretchy fitted lime green knee length skirt thingo - Target $10
- This white blouse from Sussan

Picture stolen from Sussan website - it was $99.95 which frankly is OUTRAGEOUS because it is as thin as anything and will probably become shredded in a few wears but I really liked it and I was spending someone else's money.

- Some camel coloured linen shortsy type things from Sussan too
- A flowy black top from Katie's. Dead cheap.
- A groovy Mexican type scarf from Target that I saw Rachel from Redcliffe Style talk about on her blog
- Dress from Piper at Myer - it's a sort of lime green yellow geometric patterned shirt dress thing. Can't remember how much but as always TOO MUCH for what it is which is about 2cm of material. GOD EVERYTHING IS SO EXPENSIVE OR IS IT JUST ME?
- Got M a pink polo shirt from COuntry Road.

I really like COuntry Road and wandered around a while looking at their nice things but just can't cope with how PRICEY it is for, you know, just a cotton top or whatever. I mean GOD! I think I am the only one who thinks this because I was listening in on a convo in the store that went along these lines;
[Grey bobbed linen-bedraped customer] - Ohhh you have so many nahhhs dresses at the moment, they are just greashhhhhhhh
[CR shop ladies] - Oh I knowwww, I knowwwww
[Grey bobbed one] - And so reaaaaaasonable! Just so REAAAASSSSSSOOOONABBBLLEE!
[CR shop ladies] - Oh I knowwwwwwwww, I knowwwwwwwww, so reaaaaasonable!

I was about to interject with a "Reasonable? I'll give you REASONABLE!" but thought better of it since I was walking around fondling the garments in a fairly shameless and covetous way and it might have looked hypocritical and God knows I could do without THAT!

Anyway, here's hoping my guts sort themselves out STAT or that at least I lose some GODDAMN WEIGHT from this ghastly state of affairs. Knowing my luck I will probably PUT IT ON or something.

Anyway, yours in Comfort Shopping and Toilet Sitting

xx

What to wear on election day.

Confused about what ensemble to adopt on the big day? No, I don't mean your WEDDING day, I mean the election day, duhhhhhh.

Worry no more. Just read my helpful tips and be AMAZED!

CLICK HERE FOR ELECTORALLY THEMED SARTORIAL ADVICE!

Popping tags over at The Shake.

Because I am a PROFESSIONAL, I still wrote my article for The Shake. I had a DEADLINE people, and I take that shit seriously.

It's me banging on about how good I am at Op Shopping. Do you op shop? Or not? Do you  prefer high end establishments like Big W? Or Hermes?

Do tell...check it out over here http://www.theshake.com.au/flair/8-ways-to-op-shop-better/

Thank you everyone for your kind words about my recent post about GAD. Looks like basically EVERYONE has it. So funny. We are all mentals together.

See you soon.

FASHION FAILS - THE LOUNGE

Hello everybody! Welcome to The Lounge, open again for business this Thursday. Settle in with a drink and SPILL YOUR GUTS for all to hear.

Go on, tell your old Auntie Slapdash all about your fashion faux pas, your stonewashed denim, your harem pants, your flares, your clip on earrings. I WON'T JUDGE YOU and neither will anyone else. PROMISE.

Look, unfortunately, this topic is actually really HARD for me.  I can hardly think of ANY examples of fashion faux pas in my history! The thing is, I basically am just incredibly put together and stylish and I always have been. Since childhood, I have taken a keen interest in fashion, and take pride in my appearance as a matter of course. I rarely put a foot wrong, fashion wise, and......hey! Hey, hang on...what the...

...HEY WHAT THE ACTUAL YOU GUYS? Where did THIS PIC come from? I mean, sheeesh. I was just a KID for goodness sake. I am sure tartan was ALL THE RAGE and I don't remember ever wearing it again. It was a ONE OFF!

Far out. OK, where was I? Seriously you guys that was below the belt.

Anyway, as I was saying, I rarely put a foot wrong, and poo-poo those who are slaves to fashion, preferring a more classic look, and.....hey. HEY HEY HEY WHAT THE?

Holy Haggis, batman, WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THIS SHIT YOU GUYS? UGH. Gah. OK well, so obviously I had a THING for tartan for a bit there. And I guess it seemed to last a few years. OK. Fair point. Look, everybody had off days as a teenager, right? I mean, what am I, like 14 in this pic? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

So, getting back to the post, as I was saying, being stylish and..........UGHHHHHH! What is THIS!?

Yeah, ok, we've all seen this pic before. Yeah yeah. I'm the one  on the far left. Yeah, yeah, crazy pants. How zany was I? I get the point guys, you are starting to embarrass me. I mean, I wear a pair of crazy pants like ONCE and I get a reputation?? Let's be FAIR HERE PEOPLE! Pardon? What do you mean?

FARRRRRRKKKK! OK, OK, so I wore them more than once.  PEOPLE can't you cut a girl some slack? I WAS ONLY A KID! 

SHINGS guys. Can we get back to the post now? THANK-YOU!

OK, so as I was SAYING, I am really careful to always remain on top of the fashions, and try to dress appropriately for all occasions, and I.....SHIT! SHIT WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THIS STUFF!?

This was a DRESS UP PARTY you lot. OF COURSE it is a fashion fail. OBVIOUSLY! I AM MEANT TO BE MARY POPPINS!

THIS IS A FREAKING DRESS UP PARTY TOO! I am getting pretty sick of this. UGH.

Right, that's it. I mean, I come here, I try to do a nice thing and host a linkup for you all, and you just sit there making fun of my tartan tights and my Traveling Outfit. SO WHAT if I was standing outside the White House? I WAS DOING LOTS OF WALKING THEY ARE SENSIBLE SHOES! And I was being SUN SMART. 

Frankly this is about just as much as a girl can stand. I'm trying to have a SENSIBLE conversation and you are RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE. 

SIGH! Over to you I suppose, IF YOU MUST. Everyone's a critic, I'm telling you!

Fashion trends for AW2013

Today I'm writing at The Shake.
Wondering what the fashions are this season?
Wonder no more loyal readers!
Lucky I am here all you would all get about looking dead set unfashionable.
Hahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa.

FASHION TRENDS FOR AW2013

How to wear jeggings.

Hello everyone today I'm writing at The Shake! And you get to see a photo of me WITH MY HEAD INCLUDED.

I'm a model, you know what I mean, and I shake my little tush on the catwalk. On the catwalk.

I am not even wearing any makeup and am sporting bed head.

These are the sacrifices I make for the readers.

Mollie Day GIVEAWAY! I'm NOT KIDDING!

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

This is a *SPONSORED POST*!

Kind of.

A-wooga! A-wooga! A-wooga!

OK we've got that DISCLAIMER out of the way.  I defy anyone to remain UN-WARNED after that red alert.

Guys I've been feeling a little glum. Usually I enjoy the HELL out of the journey, but I'm just feeling a bit tired and grey. I mean, usually I enjoy the journey so much I'm like some kind of drunk backpacker who gets lucky with a Swedish tourist on the Eurostar in the Chunnel.  That is some journey to enjoy.  But I've got sick kids, mundanity, work, not being able to concentrate, blah blah. Also I feel a bit anxious about my blog and my writing and wondering WHY AM I DOING IT? Am I crap? What's my GOAL? WHAT TO DO?

So, not enjoying the journey too much.

But it's my birthday next week. The 27th in case anyone is interested.  I will be 21 AGAIN! So young. SO much to live for. So I thought I would do something SPECIAL so we can all ENJOY THE JOURNEY LIKE MOFOS again!

And that special something is a real, live GENUINE, NO JOKE GIVEAWAY!

I am EXCITED.

Going with my recent Mum Fash Blogger incarnation, I have been lucky enough to be given 3 Mollie Day clutches to give away to my readers.

You can find the Mollie Day store at http://www.mollieday.com.au/

Mollie Day is an online store dedicated about fusing femininity, style and elegance at affordable prices.  Each item is exquisitely decorated with beauty in mind, adding an understated and radiant accent to any outfit - day or evening.

Olivia from Mollie Day gifted me with one for my birthday too!

Here are the three I have to give away!

The Jennie - in silver 

The Gwen

The Charlotte - in Green

I know, pretty cool. They are sitting in my bedroom as we speak.

To enter, please leave me a comment on this post telling me which one you like best!
You don't have to be a FB liker or follower but I STRONGLY ENCOURAGE IT haha. 

Feel free to tell others.

I will draw three names randomly on my birthday, the 27th March.

By way of closing, and in keeping with my fashion theme, I present a few more recent OOTD pics from this week. Once again I grow weary of the usual poses and have introduced some of my own.

Here I am modelling my new clutch! It's the Regina in yellow. Check ME out!

Work shoes Monday. 

Work outfit Monday. This pose is called "Interpretive Dance with Toothbrush"

Weekend outfit. "Imma Little Teapot Comin ATCHA!" pose

Weekend shoes. 

 Good luck readers!

EDITED TO ADD: THIS GIVEAWAY COMPETITION IS NOW CLOSED!!!!

The Slapdash Report - Fashion Edition!

Today's report is brought to you by Kylie Mole and Miranda Kerr's neck brace.

Because it's fashion week here at Slapdash Mama I'm broadening the net even wider to encompass some fashion world news as well as my usual in-depth current affairs coverage!

• According to the latest polls, Tony Abbott is preferred PM again.  Oh no, hang on, it's Julia Gillard again. Oops! Now it's Tony again - no, hang on, it's Julia! Tony! Julia! Tony! OMG. Lucky we only have 6 more months to go.  SO ACCURATE! Gah! Stop the polls I wanna get OFF!

• A group of high spirited and enthusiastic members of the public disrupted proceedings during Federal Parliament this week.  It was hard to make out but I've been lead to believe they were shouting words of encouragement to the Prime Minister. I'm no lip reader but I'm pretty sure they were saying something like "Julia Gillard we support you in your ROLE!" or "Julia Gillard you are funnier than Kylie MOLE!" It's just so fantastic to see people taking an active interest in our noble parliamentary democracy!

Got this from Tumblr. Don't know where it's from originally. Please don't sue me.

• Miranda Kerr had a car accident and is wearing a neck brace.  Everyone remain calm.  She's going to be OK.  Also, she still looks hot.  I know. Phew. Told you I would include fashion news! 

• The House of Representatives has passed the National Disability Insurance Scheme Legislation. Still has to go to the Senate.  It will mean we have a social insurance system for assisting people with a disability and their carers that all taxpayers contribute to. 

• There's trouble afoot in the Australian cricket team (look, I try to care about sporting issues).  Some blonde guy called Michael Clarke who is apparently the captain asked some other players to fill out their client service feedback forms and they said "Um, NUH!" and he became enraged and they got in t-ROUBLE and some other blonde guy called Shane Warne I mean Watson (why are they ALL CALLED SHANE?) chucked a mental and went home to his lady. Pretty sure that's accurate.

• Sigh, urgh, more SPORT drama.  The Cronulla Sharks have been having calf blood injected into their faces in a sort of new youth giving facial treatment.  Or was that Kim Kardashian? God knows.

• In a break from tradition, the Catholic Church has elected a gay black woman with 5 kids as the next Pope!  (I've written this part of the report in advance and just went with the MOST LIKELY scenario to be on the safe side!!)

There you go chaps, a little from column A, a little from column B. It's been a big week policy wise but I've only got so much space and time. I'm a busy and important woman, people! Time is money! And so forth.

Oh, I've gotten a bit sick of the OOTD stuff. But I haven't given up totally.

Here's a picture of me in my yoga outfit from last night.

Earth mother. Excuse the pot belly. I am not actually 5 months pregnant, I just ate a big bowl of spaghetti and drank a glass of wine. What, isn't that what everyone does before their evening yoga class?

Check it. Tree pose. I think. Maybe I should do a yoga video?

Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Like, exercise or go to the beach. Actually, ignore that. Do EVERYTHING I wouldn't do.

xx

GUEST POST! Return of the Mac.

OK let's get this stupid OOTD palaver over first.

Wore these shoes with these pants. You'll be pleased to know they were a matching pair this time. Refer previous post. Also, these are JEGGINGS guys.

A better angle of said jeggings. I got bored of all the usual poses and decided to come up with my own. I call this the "Steve Irwin" selfie pose. Also, Tegan from Musings of the Misguided said she wanted to see my "camel toe". Whatever that is. Didn't she? Oh sorry my mistake. Avert your eyes then Tegan.

In this crazy mixed up place we call the World Wide Web, sometimes you meet someone.  Someone who GETS you.  Who KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM.  A cyber soulmate.  Friends at first Tweet. Or whatever.

And sometimes, just sometimes, that person has exactly the same name as you.

Look, I'm not going to go into too many details here people but suffice to say there is ANOTHER Sarah Mac out there.  She lives in the Northern Hemisphere, I live in the Southern Hemisphere. She hates her Android phone, I hate my Android phone.  She is hilarious, I am moderately amusing.

And guess what? I have been lucky enough to win a giveaway on her blog People Don't Eat Enough Fudge! I know, the stars are aligned for me indeed.

The prize for this giveaway was nothing less than the opportunity to host her as a Guest Blogger on my very own blog!

Yay!

Take it away Sarah Mac!

Clipboards And Cat Shit 

A couple of days ago I received a letter that surprised and worried me a little.  It was from Master Macs School and it said that they were concerned about his attendance record and would like to see me.

I rang the school immediately to see if there had been a mistake.  No, they assured me, no mistake.  It seems that with his recent accident and resulting appointments at the hospital Master Mac had hit a trigger point.

The visit was arranged for Friday morning at 10am.

After waving the children off to school I looked around. 

It’s been a while since anyone other than friends and family had been to the house and having someone who is basically there to question your capabilities as a parent sure makes you look at things with fresh eyes.

A quick wiz round with the hoover, wash the breakfast dishes, clean out the litter tray, shower and dress.

That WAS the plan!

Out came Henry, a flick of the switch and …..  WHOOOMPH!!

A great cloud of dust and dog hair, tissue and fluff erupted like a mini volcano covering me and half the room as effectively as Vesuvius buried Pompeii.

FUUUUUCK!!!

Complete panic, the damn woman was due in 45 minutes, my house was filthy, I had 5 cats running around, a dog shedding yet more hair and a full litter tray.

 I was also braless in a baggy tee-shirt and cropped legging.  I didn’t have a clue what to tackle first.

A quick slug of Merlot from the open bottle on the kitchen counter (yes, it was only 9:00am but needs must!) and I assessed the damage.

Ok, litter tray first.  As ever, a queue of full bladdered kitties waited for the moment the clean litter hit the tray before parking their furry bottoms in the gravel to fill it up again.

Out to the wheelie bin at the front of the house only to find that it was, as always FULL!! 

The bin wasn’t  due to be emptied until Monday and only a foolish person leave a bag of used cat litter around for all the other cats in the neighbourhood to rip apart and spread the content (if you are lucky they might even leave an offering of their own!)  So, back in, wellies on and into the bin I hopped. Jumping up and down trying to compact a weeks worth of cat shit and other household rubbish

HELLO, YOOHOO, Mrs Mac???  I swung around to see a woman holding a clipboard tottering towards me in the most extraordinary pair of shoes.  They were those wedge ones with a hole cut out for some bizarre reason, it looked like she was walking in ice skates.  But the main things was,

THE BLOODY WOMAN WAS MORE THAN HALF AN HOUR EARLY!!       

Ok, I thought, if you can wear ice-skates, I can stand in wheelie bins carrying shit and coved in filth.

I decided to brazen it out.  Calmly I climbed out of the bin on to the wall and hopped down onto the pavement.

‘That would be me’ I said with a smile holding out my hand to shake hers.  She recoiled slightly and waved her clipboard in an attempt to suggest that it wasn’t that she was reluctant to clasp my hand but rather that her hands were full.

Coffee?  Tea?  Slug of wine?  I queried with a slight laugh as though I was joking while both of us hungrily eyed the half full bottle.

Perhaps we could just sit down and have a chat she suggested whilst her gaze swept my house and myself with complete horror.

I smiled again, again she recoiled, what was the matter with the woman? I got that she didn’t want to touch me and ok, I guess I could empathise with that, but I was only trying to be friendly for gods sake.

‘You have ……. Errm ……..’ she said gesturing to my face.  What? WHAT???

I dashed into the bathroom to look in the mirror. Oh great!  I’d obviously inhaled a quantity of dust and dirt and my nostrils were ringed with black, I could have cried except that would only have left streaks down my filthy cheeks.  I cleaned up as best I could and feeling very subdued went and sat down.

Things couldn’t and should have really got any worse and in truth, I’m not sure they did but by that time my judgement was shot along with the chance of winning any parenting awards!

Tilly, mum to three kittens has suffered a little from what I call ‘lactating mummy tummy’, it’s not funny and it’s not nice.  It IS noisy and it does stink however so when I saw her purposefully making her way to the tray I knew all was lost.  After much digging about she proceeded to excavate her bowels with a sound like a toddler let loose with a trumpet and sure enough, like a mist creeping over the sea the stench pervaded the room.

The poor lady decided enough was enough and brought our meeting to an end with assurances from me that I would never again let Master Mac be shot in the eye and thus miss valuable schooling.

If only one of us had realised that Florence, the smallest of the kittens who had taken great interest in this ladies footwear had somehow manages to wedge herself through the hole in her damn shoe.

She stood to leave gathering her clipboard and her wits and took a step towards the door. The weight of Florence caused the shoe to shoot off her foot across the room.  Florence yowled, the lady let out a strangled scream and I dissolved into hysterical laughter.

There probably is a moral to this story but to be honest, I haven’t got a clue what it would be and frankly, after I’d finished the bottle of wine I didn’t really care.

(nb Florence was completely unharmed J)

So there you have it! Thank you Sarah Mac. You are a funny lady indeed and you have a great name, and like me you enjoy blogging about cat poo.

Go and send her your love, my pretties!  I command you!

Toodle pip!

Slapdash Mama aka "Sarah Mac the Plumper"

My Skin Care Regime.

Ciao fellow fashionistas.

Tonight's edition of the Slapdash Fashion Spectacular is an overview of my very own skin care regime.

This face doesn't just take care of itself you know. I have to put the hard yards in to maintain my apparently effortlessly flawless complexion.

As is my habit, I will present it to you in dot point form, accompanied by helpful pictorial aids.

• Cleansing - It is important to cleanse your skin. I cleanse my skin. Cleanse is a weird word, isn't it? Cleanse. Means clean. But, like, with extra letters.  Woah, does my voice sound weird to you? Hahahahahahaha...it totally does sound weird! Look at my hands they are so HUGE!  Anyway I use stuff to clean my face.

This is the stuff I use. It's from fancy boutique establishment Woolies. When I'm not wearing makeup I just use water. I know! Novel.

I use a washer to cleanse my face too. This one has added stains from wiping the baby's face.  I like to think of them as extra nutrients for my skin. Some people pay the big bucks for that gear you know.







• Moisturising - I mostly don't bother. Sometimes I shove Oil of Olay on. I use whatever half finished tubes and bottles are lying round for my hands and feet. But mostly I can't be arsed.

That's it people! Enlightening isn't it?

Anyway, yesterday's OOTD received an overwhelming response so I am continuing on with today's high fashion costume.

OPI Shorts Story. Chipped to buggery. Forgive me FF for I have sinned. It's been 14 days since my last NP application.

I'm mixing up the bathroom selfies for you. Top and skirt Veronika Maine. Scarf my mum's old one from back in the day. Can you believe I used to wear it as a sort of top arrangement? I wore it today because it has purple on it and my colleague R makes us all wear a particular colour on Tuesdays. Today it was purple. Fascinating, no?

Here I am importantly Taking Care of Business and Getting Shit Done. I was interested to note the development of significant back fat in this photo. Perhaps I need to source some control underwear for my upper body? Any tips for getting rid of it? The back fat? I mean, apart from like, losing weight and doing exercise and toning up and shit. 

My shoes. Also from an op shop.

 There you have it.

Do you have back fat? Do you wash your face? Own any full body control underwear?

I'm dying to know.

It's Fashion Week at Slapdash Mama!

Hi readers.

I'm a bit off my game at the moment due to my poor health and sick kids and blah blah blah moan moan sigh cough cough coughhhhhh hack snort gnnrrgghhhhhh.....

Anyway it is unfortunate timing my friends. Unfortunate timing indeed, because it is at this VERY MOMENT that the judges for the Kidspot Voices 2013 are hovering enthusiastically over nominated blogs, determining WHO WILL BE THE WINNER!? or even who will be in the Top 100??!? No pressure at all dudes. Nope. None.

Everyone just LOOK NORMAL OK!?

Anyway, and this has NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH BEING NOMINATED FOR VOICES 2013, but it just so happens that as well as being a talented Political Analyst, Travel Reporter, Satirist, Poet, Restaurant Critic and General Dispenser of Parenting Advice, I also fancy myself as a bit of a Fashion Blogger too.

Stop laughing please you guys, you are embarrassing me in front of the JUDGES!!!!

I totally AM a fashion blogger.

So this week has been designated FASHION WEEK here at Slapdash Mama HQ!  It coincides rather depressingly with my recent resolution to buy NO NEW CLOTHES for the rest of 2013.

I'm not joking.  This is really happening.

I need something to distract me from this decision, so I'm even going to be presenting you with an OOTD pictorial spread.  Don't know what OOTD means?  Neither did some of my new Twitter mates, when we were Twitting about stuff yesterday so I was only too happy to enlighten them with an explanation.

OOTD means "Outfit of the Day". Obvious now, no?  And it is the hashtag that fashionista types give their selfie snippy snaps on Instagram. And fashion blogs are full of them.

The punters go CRAZY FOR THIS SHIZZ.

So I am getting on board too. For the punters, you see.  I give them what they want.

Here's today's OOTD.  You guys are lucky in a way you cannot imagine that the first OOTD was done on one of my work days because it means I am wearing actual CLOTHES!

Here I am wearing a Review dress from 2010, a pink David Lawrence cardigan from a million years ago, and Red Phoenix Emporium necklace and earrings. I saw Red Phoenix jewellery on Faux Fuchsia's blog and because I too am a joiner, I immediately ran off and purchased some. 

Here's my legs and shoes and attractive work office type carpet.  Shoes are from an op shop. You've seen them before. Because I basically wear them every day.

Obligatory bathroom selfie. Large overflowing bin with paper towels really adds a sort of charm I think. Gritty. Like, I don't know, an episode of The Wire.

There you have it guys. Before I go I want to leave you with a few fashion words of wisdom that have helped me over the years.

-  Jeggings are for all!!!!
-  Everyone looks good in a tunic, leggings and ballet flats.
-  When in doubt, wear a dress.
-  Colour is the new black! Or is that grey is the new black? Hang on maybe it's navy blue.  Anyway, let's just say black is the new black and leave it at that!

Stay tuned for tomorrow's post where I regale you with my Slapdash Beauty Tips and post yet another OOTD.

Til then.

Your ever faithful

Slapdash Mama.

EDITED TO ADD: Just removed the post from the IBOT page because I did it wrong.