Monday, September 30, 2013

Slapdash Mama turns one.

So I just realised something - today is Slapdash Mama's first birthday!


Where has the time gone? I remember the day she was born. This time last year, she came screaming and ranting into the world and frankly we haven't been the same since.

Don't try and tell me you aren't moved by this momentous date. I know you would be lost without her.

I'm sure you will agree that Slapdash Mama has Spleen Venting down to an artform.

Here's some of the highlights in pictorial form...

Sorry about the sideways one. No matter.

In true spleen venting fashion, I thought I would vent the hell out of some spleen for your reading pleasure, as a sort of thank you for reading and being part of the GLOBAL PHENOMENON that is this here blog.

OK, so here is me, venting some spleen.

God I feel so emotional.

Pull yourself together woman.

OK. I can do this.

Just to mix it up, I thought I would offset the spleen venting with some POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS, you know because I would hate to be a freaking downer all the time.

Deep breath.

And away we go. Dot points FTW.

  • Last week M was away in Sydney for work and I was holding the fort parenting wise. Fucking hell.
  • This was offset by the face my Mum cam and rescued my by DOING ALL OF THE THINGS! Why can't she be here always.
  • For the second part of the week I drove up the coast to stay at her place, and on the way B vomited all over himself in the car. After I'd pulled over, cleaned him up, and used my mobile to ring the parentals to tell them I was late, I strapped him back in again and took off, only to hear a "CLUNK!" as something slid off the roof . When glancing behind me I saw my little black iphone in the middle of the motorway. Presumably smashed to smithereens by now. I didn't, as advised by friends including the hairdresser, play chicken to retrieve it. Which means I am phoneless. 
  • This was offset by M ringing me to tell me he had won an Ipad mini at the conference. Easy come, easy go.
  • I congratulated someone at work for successfully getting the job they had applied for. Except they hadn't. Been successful that is. Awkward.
  • This was offset by the fact that. Um. Well nothing really. It was just stupid of me.
  • I hated all my clothes and wanted to burn them.
  • This was offset when my mum gave me some money to buy new clothes. I know. Ridiculously lucky. I am spoilt to the max.
  • My hair was feral and shaggy.
  • Offset when Mum sent me to the hairdresser. I know. Isn't she the best.
  • I really, really, realllllyyyy hurt my back on the weekend. SO PAINFUL. Doing exercise of course.
  • This was offset by the fact I have been doing exercise. So, you know, yay for me.
  • Despite my beach anxiety and crippled back, I went to the beach on SUnday because M wanted to and I am awesome.
  • Offset by SEEING WHALES off the coast! I have never seen that before! SO AMAZING! Just on the beach! Totally worth dragging my injured body over the hot sand.
Look, I could go on, but I am boring even myself.

Anyway, to celebrate my one year blogaversary, I have decided to HOLD A COMPETITION!

That's right readers! To enter, just vent your own spleen in the comments or on my FB page. The best spleen venting, as judged by myself, will win.

What will they win, I hear you ask?

Good question. Unfortunately I have been unable to identify an appropriate sponsor for this event.

So, in keeping with my first ever giveaway, I have decided to make up the prize myself.

The winner of this giveaway will get the highly sought after privilege of having a poem written about them. BY ME! THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE!

I think you will see from previous blog posts here and here, that I have an extremely solid record of pome writing.

Also, this one time, in Grade 7, I wrote a pome about Gallipoli and won some competition.  Some of the lines were;

They fought a futile war
Many soldiers died
We cannot count the score
Their families often cried

I think you will agree that my words are deeply moving and reminiscent of a young Yeats, or perhaps some of Shelley's early work. Can't you just FEEL THE EMOTION? I am basically striding around the Lake Country feeling feelings like there is no tomorrow IN A METAPHORICAL SENSE!

SO there you have it! Enter away my Slappy friends!

And thank you. Thank you all.

*weeps delicately*

Here's a first birthday cake I prepared earlier for your enjoyment...


  1. Hey chick, not good at venting my spleen, but happy to kill it with bubbles! Cheers to you! This deserves another glass, at least!

  2. Happy blog birthday!!!
    Although I must admit that the pic of your work bathroom selfie hand towel bin not being included in the wrap-up is a bit of a disappointment for me.
    Rants... don't get me started on busy toilet line nazis... you know the ones "bang bang bang come on every one pee fast"... they are on my list of can't stand... after tailgaters... Xx

    1. Oh yes I forgot that one! Will have to go on my second blogaversary post. I AGREE about mean toilet bossy types. WTF is their PROBLEM?

  3. Omg HAPPY BIRTHDAY NS!!! I had a bit of a rant on fb the other day - I know, so TOTALLY unlike me!! I think it went something along the lines of ' There was I thinking I was simply riding my bike when clearly what I was doing in reality was donning a fucking invisibility cloak - the next driver/pedestrian to cut me up WILL.FEEL MY WRATH!!!'. yep, well I'm over it now ... kind of (not at all really ...) Have a wonderful bloggy birthday lovely xx

    1. Thank you NS! Your spleen venting is EXPERT! EXPERT I TELL YOU!

  4. Oh I haven't been serenaded to since I was played the accordion by some Gypsies in Paris. But I prefer a poem so I hope I win!!

    1. Gypsies! I AM SO JEALOUS! Did they steal your purse?

  5. Congratulations on your First Year Anniversary! I do feel sad for you that your mother is leaving you though! Didn't she mention it? Yes, I've decided it's time she moved in where little gin-soaked paws will appreciate the wonder that is HER! And I have entered her for the Nobel Prize in Parenting! Ha!

  6. Should I ask about that sausage? No spleen venting from me, I'm afraid. Too early in the morning! But congrats on a year of blogging! More slap dashing please! x

  7. I agree with Grace. Tell about sausage. Or give link to post! I have been up since 5.15am so have managed to get myself in full swing about a number of things that have required me to use the F word - my biggest being people calling Asylum seekers illegal immigrants and then calling me a stupid bitch on twitter because I called them out for being a bigot and them having the audacity to do so USING INCORRECT SPELLING AND POOR GRAMMAR. Honestly. They call us the lucky country - and it is BLOODY LUCKY WE TOLERATE STUPID PEOPLE AND UNEDUCATED BIGOTS. Just sayin' hashtag getting my righteous on hashtag wishing people would just be nice hashtag and learn to spell hashtag xoxox PS - Happy Birthday Slapdash. It couldn't have happened to a nicer person xo

    1. I think the sausage was in the Katie 180 post! YOUR RANT IS EXCEPTIONAL!

  8. Umm, you just reminded me, I forgot my blogs first bithday. Opps

  9. Okay I will try to vent some spleen:

    I spent ALL DAY cleaning up yesterday (okay, half the day) and the house is already like a brothel again. I actually have no idea what brothels look like, really. They're probably cleaner than my house but that's what my Mum always said when she was ranting about the house being a mess, so I'm going with it.

    12 yo has had diarrhoea on and off for several days and been a big sooky sooky la la wanting his Mummy all the time. (They never get over it, sorry to tell you.)

    Meanwhile, it's school holidays here so the boys frequently have their friends over and there is so much testosterone bouncing off the walls I'm growing a beard. But it should match my moustache, so at least that's something.

    I was stupid enough to start up a Pimperest account the other day. What was I thinking?

    My Mum also offered to send me to the hairdressers, when I declined she bought me one of those In Styler things. Is this a kind a gesture or a polite way of saying: You look like crap. Fix yourself up??

    Okay, enough of that rubbish.

    Happy blogaversary! Keep venting! Love your work. xo

    1. I hear you on the diarrhoea front. Or should I say the back :-O We've had it here too.
      Pinterest is TOO MUCH for me!
      Your spleen venting is FIRST CLASS!

  10. Hip hip hooray!
    Happy birthday to your blog! The first one is a big one. Is he walking yet?

    An invitation to vent. Oh god. Where to even begin? I am almost stymied by the opportunity for open slather...almost.

    1. I have been nailed by this one all too frequently lately...if you are a store and your eftpos machine is not working...put up a freaking sign or tell customers on the way into the store that you are in the midst of a cash only situation. For the love, when you are juggling a toddler you have to know before you put all of the groceries in your cart and get in line that you need cash to pay for said groceries. This is directed at YOU Woolies!

    2. While on the topic of eftpos, I have zero patience for places with a $10.00 limit. Or places that are cash only. It is 2013 for crying out loud. In about two years we are going to have chips embedded in our bodies that are somehow linked to our bank accounts. Cash is a thing of the past. Get with the times!

    3. All of this stress is giving me chin pimples! So much so that Toddler C asks me if my face is hurting. Adult acne has to be just about the cruelest thing on earth!

    4. I think my life would be improved if I had a wife. Do you think I can get some sort of Russian mail order situation? Do you think she would be pleased or disappointed to find that she is the wife of a happily married woman? I need someone to cook and clean and grocery shop and deal with broken eftpos machines and generally organise my life. So I can get on with doing really important things like playing trains and venting on blogs.

    I think that is me.
    I think I actually enjoying reading your venting more than I enjoy venting myself.
    Good thing you have a blog where you vent your spleen!

    1. Caitlin your spleen venting is exceptional. Stress pimples are the devils work! I WANT A WIFE! My life is killing me.

  11. Congratulations on your first year. I hope you stick around our bloggy scene for many more. Meanwhile I seriously want your Mum. Instead of doing a husband swap (which is so 70s) could we do a Mum swap instead?
    As for venting spleen well here goes ;
    I am studying book keeping and have an exam on BAS on Friday. That should do it. Here's a hint for your poetic dedication - Brenda rhymes with Fassbender.

    1. No. No mum swapping for me! I know when I am on to a good thing, Mrs Fassbender!

  12. Happy first birthday! I feel like I should ask if you're a big girl now haha.

  13. Luff this post, luff you!

    Happy Birthday x

  14. Congratulations!
    Love your little vent there, at least it's offset by something...

  15. Happy birthday oh bloggy one :)

  16. What a great year it has been - so glad I found you - both online and IRL - you really do have a great knack for satirical writing - and like me have such a funny sense of self depreciating humour! How awesome is your mum? You deserve it I know. Love the vent! Happy bloggversary!! xx

  17. Happy B-Day!
    I see that you really had much good time this year.Keep on rocking - you're inspiring me all the time

  18. Happy first blog birthday!!! Sorry the message is belated but I have been on holidays. How exciting that you saw whales off the shore- am visiting GC some time this weekend. Will keep a look out. So how does this competition work... Do I get extra entries for sharing on FB/ Tweeting??? x

  19. Oh I have whinged way too much these past two weeks with school holidays and all so I will skip the venting part and get straight to the CONGRATULATIONS and Happy Bloggyversary ... all be it 8 days late ;) xx


Vent your spleen! You know you want to.

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