Thursday, December 5, 2013

Double entendres.

Hello there. I must stop this sporadic blogging because it makes it hard to know where to begin, my life is just that rich and full. Maybe I will undertake some sort of New Year blog daily challenge or some such. I'll think on it.

Anyway, I will start by saying, DO YOU KNOW, MR HUMPHRIES, MY PUSSY WAS SO HOT AND FURRY, I HAD TO TAKE IT DOWN THE SHOPS TO GET IT SHAVED!

"Mr. Humphries!  Leave my pussy alone!"

No, not THAT pussy you filthy beasts. Animals, the lot of you.

THIS pussy!


Before!

After! HAHAHA! Oh dear. I hardly recognised my pussy! Not quite a Brazilian but the feline equivalent of leaving a "landing strip" perhaps? A poodle cut maybe?

I had cleaned up one too many hairball vomits and cut poo out of her bum fur for the last time, my friends. This is the way of the future. I cannot believe we hadn't done it sooner. I am NEVER getting a long haired cat again. To be fair, this cat sort of foisted herself upon us.

I mean, I really LOVE cats, but this one PUSHES HER LUCK! I mean, she strolls in here, weasles her way into our hearts, forces us to adopt her, and then proceeds to VOMIT HAIRBALLS every five seconds whilst determinedly refusing to do any of the PLEASANT tasks that are the lot of a feline pet, like you know, letting you cuddle her or showing any interest in sitting on a lap. She is as aloof as a..well, I don't know what but FREAKING ALOOF.

When she's not crying to be rescued off the roof that is. That's right my friends. She can get ONTO the roof, but apparently not OFF the roof. Once again I was forced to retrieve her from said roof this evening using a LADDER. I KNOW! THE FREAKING HUMANITY!

In other news, it's hot, I've had ANOTHER tummy bug, we went to Kingscliffe and it was lovely, it's hot, I'm sweaty, P had her actual real life dance concert and by Jove it was hilarious for about the first 1 1/2 hours and then by the end of the ALMOST 3 HOURS we were FLAGGING just a bit. THE FREAKING HUMANITY! Also it's hot, I've done some Christmas shopping ONLINE and feel SMUG about it, I want to go and live in a RURAL IDYLL and buy a CHEAP HOUSE so we can stop being wage slaves and LIVE FOR THE NOW and craft shit and grow crap and sew and cook and be creative bohemian rural types. STYLISH ones. Not, you know, unfashionable ones. PERISH THE THOUGHT. Also I wish I could take artistic photos. Damn my pork sausage fingers.

Anyway I think I'm starting to become incoherent so here's some Kingscliffe visuals. Is that how you spell it? I'm losing it.









Ciao bellas.

35 comments:

  1. That is hilarious!!! i love cats but i haven't seen cats like that except on buzzfeed! after a stomach bug you should fortify yourself with probiotics. that is why one gets the bug several times bc it is all depleted...Love the sunny pics - the UK is actually considering stopping the sunscreen warning for Brits bc we are all Vit d deprived...Looking forward to more cat grooming styles!

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    1. Yes I must get some probiotics asap. We are Vit D deprived over here too! Weird hey! The cat looks like an alien. SO WEIRD! But definitely better on the hairball front!

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  2. Cats, who'd have 'em??? Well, except for me and you of course ... Had to take to Gus (the dog) to the vets the other day and I was wondering what that look he gave me meant as the vet evacuated his anal glands and now I know - THE FREAKING HUMANITY!!! Hope you're feeling better now lovely xx

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    1. HIS ANAL GLANDS!? Oh god. Oh...god.

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    2. I am too scared to Google this. I am feeling sick at the thought of evacuating anal glands. Will I feel less ill if I do Google it?

      And why, oh why, do anal glands have to be evacuated? I have had pets and never had to do this (that I know of).

      As a hypochondriac, is this a disorder/illness that humans suffer?

      Of you say Slapdash, oh god, oh god.

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    3. I've been telling Surfer Dude that Miss Mac watched so she could do his for him (she wants to be a vet) - he looks scared!! On the plus side I'm fairly sure humans don't have them (but don't tell SD that ok)

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  3. Where on earth have you gotten the idea that cats do anything you want them to do? Cat's don't have owners, they have staff. Just ask our psychopath cat Jag. I had a long haired cat but because all of our cats were outdoors (until you banged a tin) they usually hacked up their hairballs outside and we thankfully never had to cut out any of their business. Their balls and ovaries..never the shit.

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    1. This is an excellent point! They are accountable to nobody! Still, I wouldn't mind the occasional sit on the lap. Is it too much to ask? Apparently so.

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  4. I want to live in a rural idyll too. With land and a veggie plot and herb gardens and chickens and a landscaped area. But I don't want to actually do any of the physical labour. I want to wonder around with a basket and clip roses and then return to the shade for a refreshing beverage. And laze. And read. And dabble with arty things. And escape the real world and actual work.

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    1. Oh it sounds, well, IDYLLIC! If only....

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  5. We had a long haired cat and he was the best! We shaved him in summer...he preferred a lion look. He did all his business outside, came when he was called and because he had been hit by a car when he was younger (and not yet our cat) he had bad hips and couldn't jump or even do that sharpening claws thing. Basically he was like a dog but he purred.

    I love the photo of her asleep on the lounge.
    Can I please come back as a child? Or a dog? Or even a cat...just don't shave me.
    Or perhaps I should just move to the country too. I have heard that spending the day asleep on a lounge is encouraged in the country.

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    1. Being a cat would be good. They have the best life. They are answerable to nobody and get to lie around all day. And I'd rather be shaved then have a gut permanently full of fur. URGHHH!

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  6. I loathe cats for all of the reasons detailed in your post.

    Cute kid snaps! Christmas drinks??? xxx

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    1. Yes! I've been a bit crook but would love to do drinkies before Chrissy.

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  7. Please share how you managed to clip your cat! I dream of doing that my own furball spewing child but I suspect it would involve serious sedation at the vet for full cooperation.

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    1. Anon, I did indeed have to take her to the vet where they sedated her and then shaved her. She stayed there most of the day. It cost us abou $120 which was less than I thought. Totally worth it!!!

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  8. Well played. Some one has to take up the Are You Being Served innuendos while the Mumabs is gone. Wages slaves, business slaves - we're all slaves to something.

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    1. I am happy to take the Mumabs Double Entendres torch, my friend. Any time!

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  9. We have a 12 year old cat that grows long hair in winter and then has furballs which I manage with serious brushing to remove occasionally. We feed her with special furball biscuits (One brand) and they do seem to help her. I often think she could do with a shave but unfortunately $120 is too much for a couple of age pensioners to for out so back to the serious brushing and waiting till winter when most of the long hair has gone and she is back to being a shorthair for a few months.

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    1. Brushing is definitely helpful! We do brush Nutmeg but it still doesn't prevent the horror that is the regular hairball. xx

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  10. ha ha what the heck did you do to your cat!? Well I guess I'm livin the dream crafting shit and sewing and cooking and be being creative but I live in a city and can't be arsed to grow things because the rats sever them with their teeth. I have a feeling your cat might be my next pet portrait inspiration!! The Brazilian Cat.

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    1. I will commission a Brazilian cat portrait for you! Will a fiver do?

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  11. Shaved pussies look so funny. I love watching them. They don't know how comedic they are!

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    1. she was particularly amusing when she first got home and was still a bit dopey. HAHA!

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  12. YAY you posted, and that is such a great idea! So I suppose I shouldn't get a golden retriever dog for the same reasons. Glad you had a break away, looks lovely. Same old here, oh hang on, hubby was made redundant, my best friend for the past 4 years won't speak to me, I've worked 30 hours every week for the past 2 weeks and I'm not sure what I'm to do for my boy's 4th bday next week. I must outsource more, but to whom?? Have a happy week Sarah xx

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    1. OH NO. Darling EM I hope you are ok. We have been to a couple of parties at Boomerangs in the homemakers centre and they have gone well and seemed easy!

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  13. So I found your blog from Faux Fuchsia's blog list - that pic of Mrs. Slocombe is hilarious (and your post equally so)! New follower here! :)

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    1. Hello LR! Welcome! Thank you for following. Mrs Slocombe is one of the all time comic greats. xx

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  14. Kingscliffe looks splendid! Is that a poodle cut on your cat?

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    1. A poodle cut indeed! So funny but surprisingly pracitcal!

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  15. We shave the dogs because i cant cope with the dry wretching every time i have to trim the poop stained hairy bum lol. x

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  16. Lol -- the kitteh looks very chic with the new 'do.

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    1. Hello! Yes doesnt she!!! I have been very slack about commenting on blogs Wendy but thank you for visitng again x

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Vent your spleen! You know you want to.

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