Monday, June 2, 2014

Where the actual is winter? And other complaints. LANGUAGE WARNING FOR DELICATE TYPES!


So life round these parts is generally pretty beautiful at the moment.  If our life was a meme it would look like this…





I have, however, had what can only be described as a BAD DAY today.  You can’t rest on your laurels, people. Bad days are hiding round corners in even the rosiest of rosy households!

Firstly, where the actual is winter? I mean come on.  On so many levels this weather is disconcerting to me. Disconcerting to the MAX.  I have broken out my jeans on NUMEROUS occasions, only to be confronted with scorching temperatures requiring the SHAVING OF LEGS and WEARING OF SUMMER DRESSES again.  I have put the DOONAS on the beds. DOONAS, PEOPLE!!! I have been schvitzing like a schmendrick. This endless summer is NO LAUGHING MATTER.  And furthermore, what about the polar caps, polar bears, and all things polar? I bet the water levels are rising at a rate visible to the naked eye now. I blame that schmuck Tony Abbott and all his ghastly cronies. DAMN YOU TONY YOU EVIL MISOGYNIST CLIMATE CHANGE DENIER. DAMN YOU TO HECK.

Secondly, my hair.  Let’s deal with that, shall we?  So I’ve made a sort of OUT OF LEFT FIELD and WACKY commitment to no longer using shampoo on my hair.  I know, crazy, right? The thing is, and bear with me here friends, I was getting millions of sores and scabs on my scalp. I HOPE YOU AREN’T EATING WHILE YOU READ THIS! And then I was picking them.  I KNOW! SO DISGUSTING! I am basically the grossest.  Anyway, as an attempt to remedy this ewky problem, I decided to; a) stop washing my hair so much, because I figured washing it too much was making it produce too much oil and then I was getting nasty pimply spots, and so forth, and b) when I DID wash it, I was to embrace the dictums of what is known colloquially as the “No ‘poo” movement, and use only bicarb soda and apple cider vinegar. Definitely no poo! I KNOW IT SOUNDS WACK! Maybe it is.  Anyway I am trying to get to the point where I only wash my hair once a week.  At the moment I can only make it about 3 days without wanting to shave it all off and sell it a la Cosette in Les Mis.  Or was it her teeth she sold? Actually I think it was Fantine not Cosette? Whatever, it’s gross. It’s greasy and itchy. What the fuck. Why I am I even putting myself through this horrendous ordeal?  It is a LIVING HELL PEOPLE.  

Thirdly, PARENTING. I am not PARENTING in a CONSCIOUS way at the moment. I am parenting in a fucking exhausted and half arsed manner whilst allowing the children to watch too much TV and checking the fadizzle out of my phone every two seconds just in case something DRAMATIC has occurred in those 2 seconds that I might not have known about. FUCKING SMART PHONES. FUCK THEM. I am really addicted to the fucking phone and it is affecting my LIFE MAN. My parenting, my motivation, my self esteem, GODDAMN EVERYTHING. What to do? I LOVE IT I HATE IT I LOVE IT I HATE IT.  Anyway, parenting is KICKING MY ARSE in other ways too. I am hardcore trying to live in the now and enjoy the moment with my beautiful 4.5 year old darling girl before I lose her to school next year, BUT OMFG IT IS HARD MAN. HARD HARD HARD at the moment.  Her relentlessnessness is EXHAUSTIPATING. She plays NEVER ENDING “Let’s pretend” games and forces me to join in. Forces me I tell you. I am a pawn in her Game of Thrones. She is like that creepy little boy king, whatsisname, and I am basically Ned Stark. With no head.  *sobs weakly*

Also, these things too;

  •    My neverending cough that keeps me awake til the wee small hours
  •   The federal budget – OMFG what can I even say about that
  • Children being held in detention centres still. Fuck.
  • My weight, my lack of exercise and my comfort eating.


As I said, it’s been a rough day.  Still, I have these awesome things to get me through;


  • Not working at my old toxic workplace any more. Thank FUCK.
  • Ben and Holly – best show on telly – “I’m an egg, I’m an egg!”
  • Our beautiful garden. Delightful, I tell you!
  • Op shopping. It’s like a drug.
  • Getting fake nails with shellac. WHY HAVE I NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE OMG IT IS THE GREATEST
  •   Discovering liquid eyeliner. SEE ABOVE POINT RE: shellac! OM to the mother-lovin G!


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.  Out with anger, in with love.

How are you all traveling? I care, I do. I really really do!

24 comments:

  1. Lol. Glad you feel better after your rant. I've just been going off about the weather too. It's meant to be 27 degrees tomorrow and I've laid out opaque tights to wear. Oh the humanity!

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    Replies
    1. Me too Renee! I love opaque tights! Love'em sick. I would wear them all year round if I could.

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    2. I love opaque tights too! This is an unaddressed side effect of climate change. I will write a letter to the minister ASAP!

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  2. On the hair thing - MooGoo. Whenever I get stressed/sick/well whenever really, I get itchy scalp leads to flaky scalp leads to all the points you mention so eloquently above. I can either 1) prevent by using MooGoo shampoo/conditioner or 2) treat with moogoo shampoo/condition for a few days, plus if it's a real nasty dose add some MooGoo cream - I think it's the Eczema one. AMAZING. Get on that NOW. (Terry White chemists, I believe. Or online).

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    1. Moogoo you say???? It sounds....sticky! Will investigate stat!

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  3. Totally agree on the weather rant. I don't actually care about the temperature but like you I have also put the doonas on the beds and changed EVERYONE'S wardrobe over from summer to winter clothes. Once you do that (and I traditionally do it at the start of May) it is irrevocable - winter is a forgone conclusion. Except of course that this year it's not, and each time I have to get yet another summer clothing item out of storage I am filled with RAGE!!

    Glad to see you've discovered the happiness of fake nails. I don't know about you, but it always gives me a little pop of joy every time I look at them. They never fail to cheer me up and some days you need that xx

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    1. I thought of you when I got them done! So good, so cheerful!!!

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  4. So, blogging schedules ... Actually, bugger blogging schedules - SO GOOD TO SEE YOU BACK NS!!! I wondered where you'd been and now I know - picking scabs off your head ... In future, every time I scratch I'll think of you :-).

    I've decided to stop parenting - it's simple, you just STOP - I like to think of it as self preservation, I mean, last night I had a dream that I was a backing dancer for 1D (Gangnam style), when they start invading your sleep it's time to take drastic action!

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    Replies
    1. OMG! Why haven't I thought of that!!!! That's brilliant, I'll just chuck the whole caper in. I'm out!!!

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    2. OMG! Why haven't I thought of that!!!! That's brilliant, I'll just chuck the whole caper in. I'm out!!!

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  5. Parenting! It is the best! And also the worst!
    My entire life is a negotiation. With a THREE YEAR OLD!
    We have to negotiate which spoon will be used at breakfast, which toys will be taken to the park, why he shouldn't have to sit in his car seat, if he is going to wear shoes.
    It is freaking exhausting!
    By about ten in the morning I am worn out and willing to concede on every point!
    So there has been a lot of tv watching and ice cream eating happening around here.
    Which is a win, win really.

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    Replies
    1. So exhausting! I Am going to give in and accept that I must prepare organised Activities for the girl or suffer the consequences...

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  6. Hideous I feel hideous, just had to whip to Westfield to change a 3rd part of faulty kids shoes and I tried on a few cardigans to see if it would hide my muffin but fug no way would it. Then I saw myself in the mirror and my black top had all those pills - whatever can't spell, and I looked terrible, so I rushed home to change before pick up because I'm sure I embarrass myself but don't know it and I'm on my third day of juice only detox and I'm farking starving, not feeling great, have headache, haven't eaten in nearly 3 days, still fat, bloated, don't feel detoxed ,feel TOXIC! But reading your blog post has made me smile. I'm doing shocking parenting right now also, but it's such hard work right? I also lose my boy to school next year. We've had enough time (says the cold-hearted mother who already has one at school and has way too much on her plate to be nice) Look after yourself lovely x

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  7. The weather is absolutely Tony Abbott's fault. Climate denying racist homophobic tool that he is. In fact it's all his fault. Everything. Ever. I've had a bad day too. A really bad day. And I've been a terrible parent lately. And I blame Tony. Why? Because I can. Bastard.

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  8. I hear ya. I have a fat arse and I like to hide the muthafucka in a coat. Where the fuck IS winter - seriously?

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    1. My friend, I think it might be here! My arse rejoices!!!

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  9. Nothing like a good vent. And I am soooo over all my summer clothes - come on Winter, where the hell are ya?!

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  10. I must say I am loving this winter so far. But, where is my skinny summer body? It seems to be back in 1994 still.

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    Replies
    1. Hahahahaaaa! Mine is lost in the 90s too.

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  11. "Muuuum play with me!" - The most horrific four words to female ears.

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Vent your spleen! You know you want to.

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