Monday, May 27, 2013

I prescribe comfort reading.

Hello my dear readers. How I love and adore you all. Thank you for reading this blog. I haven't been posting much recently, I haven't been feeling like it.

I've alluded to feeling bad several times. I don't want to seem like I am "vagueblogging", a term I learnt recently that refers to people who drop vague hints about dramatic life events or personal torment to titillate their readership without going into too many details, in a sort of attention seeking and irritating fashion.

I also don't like being all earnest and issues-y. Look there's a time and a place and other blogging peeps rock the earnest genre but I'm not good at it, I come off moany and sort of emo, or like I'm hamming it up.

I thought I'd quickly be honest about things, in a way that suits me.  I want to quickly chat about stuff and then move on, and hope that it won't define me. I think it's probably good to mention things like this as part of a person but not to obsess about them. If we want to normalise being a bit crazy in the brain then we probably should treat it like any other chronic illness, like diabetes, and touch on it occasionally in a sort of matter of fact way without getting dramatic.  Sorry if I've offended anyone by saying that, and I hope nobody is getting too eye rolly about the whole thing.

Anyway the thing is I have rather a bad and sometimes debilitating problem with anxiety - in fact, I have GAD (Gad-zooks!) which stands for Generalised Anxiety Disorder.  I am sure I have had it my whole life but it is only in recent years that it has been formally identified.

At the moment, it is quite bad.

It doesn't really sound like a particularly debilitating thing, anxiety. It sort of sounds like you worry a bit about things, that you dwell on stuff, that if you tried hard enough to be POSITIVE you might be able to get on with it and just shut up.

It's not like that.  For me, over the years it has taken slightly different forms.

It's been with me as a sort of constant worrying and obsessive thought patterns, that when really bad caused me constant breathlessness and a never ending feeling of nervous butterflies in my tummy.

When P was a baby it developed into major depression. I took antidepressants and it was utterly life changing because I realised what it must feel like to be normal, there was an absence of something that had permanently dogged me.

At the moment I have sort of taken to thinking of my brain as a separate sort of spiteful entity that likes to torment me at random moments with heinous and frightening thoughts.

 I imagine my brain as the Samuel L Jackson character from Pulp Fiction, sort of torturing me and taunting me with ghastly thought patterns.

Suffice to say being regularly forced to relive stressful memories or walk through unbearable scenarios regularly and relentlessly is farking exhausting and leaves me at a low ebb, and it is quite tough getting simple things done, let alone commute to work and look after a family. I also get really run down and am constantly getting colds. The constant adrenalin running through my body renders me weak and depleted.

People with a genuine anxiety disorder can't just stop worrying, or keep calm, or whatever. They aren't "negative" or "whingers". If you are lucky enough not to know what it is like, then good for you, but you aren't more "positive" or "organised" or whatever, you just don't have this particular problem to deal with.

Props to you.

They have a brain that malfunctions. They have obsessive thought patterns that have worn a groove in the neural connections so deep it could be the doorsill at Westminster Abbey.

You can't tell them that other people have it better, it could be worse, first world problems, stop being so negative, think positive - because they know all that already. It's their arsehole psycho obsessive brains that don't get the message.

You can't change that overnight. 

 
There's plenty of things I can do to help myself and also people who I can and will engage to help me, I can't be bothered going into details but it's the old fish oil, exercise, psych, comfort reading Ladies Detective Agency novels blah blah.

Anyway, hey ho, this is me at the moment. I was toying with chucking the blog in completely because I am so tired all the time but I love it so I will just be a bit more relaxed and ad hoc about it, as suggested by my lovely Lounge Lizard colleagues.

I mean, when you feel like poo you just want to be miserable and talk about boo hoo topics and get all introspective and MOODY and frankly who wants to read that shizz - NOT ME AND NOT YOU I AM SURE!

It truly is a first world problem - I mean, obviously. I guess if I was living in sub-Saharan Africa I wouldn't have any time to be a mental I'd just be, you know, struggling to survive and avoid death from famine or war. But as it is I am a first world girl, living in a first world world, not getting enough exercise, running a busy stressful life and having a good old Celtic genetic tendency to be a mental.

At least I'm not an alcoholic. BONUS POINTS TO ME!

If you ever want to talk about this sort of thing feel free to email me about it.

Anyway, I feel better having said something about it, like I've unblocked myself again (and I don't mean digestively speaking, boom tish!).

Thank you for reading. When I get home this evening I will have a hot shower and do some comfort reading of the Ladies Detective Agency -  Mma Ramotswe and her endless talk of boiled pumpkin and Bush Tea are good for the soul.




Ahhhhhhhh.....


Yours in mentalness

Sarah

38 comments:

  1. Don't take this the wrong way, but I loved reading this post. I loved hearing your approach to dealing with anxiety, and what it is like to have it. Not eye rolling at all, in fact quite the opposite.

    Also, I am completely with you on Vague Blogging, and what the hell is it with Pumpkin Stew exactly? It's like her Crack.(Actually what IS she putting in it that makes it so appealing??)
    xx

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    1. Haha Mrs BC I know! Boiled pumpkin is nothing to get excited about in my book but the Motswana seem to go mad for the shizz!!
      Thank you for your kind words. It means the world xxxxx

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  2. I know exactly how you feel. I have anxiety too and I can't blog about all that stuff without coming accross all whiney. I've also thought about quitting blogging.

    I hope you don't quit, but do enjoy a break. I love your blog. We'll all still be here whenever you are up to it.

    Hugs and cakie things. xo

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    1. Thank you Ness. I hope you don't stop either I love you and your blog. Lets keep each other going! Lots love xxxxx

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  3. You're a lovely mental, and don't worry at all about seeming ANYTHING - everything you write is JUST RIGHT. Including this post. Tone perfect. And still funny too, even though I'm really upset that you have to deal with this. I personally couldn't read the Ladies books cos I kept wanting to say the names in my heads and kept getting all tangled up with the Mmes. My brain almost created a black hole for me to jump inside. (oooooooh is that what you're doing!?????)
    And YES vague blogging and EVEN MORE vague facebook status updates. Ugh. SO glad you've decided not to chuck it in for now. Cos i would be a sad sad saddykins.

    xxx

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    1. Thank you dear girl. You must try the books again they are the most comforting and delightful reads ever xxxxx

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  4. So glad you aren't quitting you make me laugh and I don't find that so easy!
    But I know what anxiety is like and frankly it sucks balls. Hope that things level out (as much as they can with things like this) and Samuel L Jackson shuts up for a while and gives you a break.

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    1. Thank you Lila! I am so touched really I am.
      I'm sorry you know the poo of anxiety too. Sucks balls is RIGHT! Thank you very
      Much for your loving words x

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  5. Slapdash. Slapdash. Slapdash. Am I allowed to make jokes like -GADdamnit just get over it DRAMATIC SIGH and then eye roll? Or too soon???? I'm a fellow traveller in mentalness. Be kind to yourself. Do not read too many of those books or you'll think that all you need is a big bosom and lots of patience to set up a detective agency. And remember that your honesty has just helped somebody, somewhere, breathe a sigh of relief because they are not the fuck alone. Kudos. xoxo

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    1. Never too soon to make jokes bring it on! Jokes is good man! Goooood!
      And do you mean it takes MOrE than that to set up a detective agency. Well I never. Disappointed is an understatement. LOl.

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  6. If you were here at Chez Abs having a cup of tea or even better a rose, I'd have much to say about what you've written here (Hope that's not vague blog commenting) For now however- I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling like this and I'd like to tell Samuel L Jackson to get his motherforking snakes outta your motherforking brain.
    Love to you.
    Brenda

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    1. Haha! Oh Mumabs god bless ya you always cheer me up. Fucking snakes on a plane FTW! I hope we can have that cuppa or that woine one day soon. Are you coming to Problogger? Thank you for your supportive words xxxxxxxx

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  7. I also suffer from Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Totally get it.
    xox

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  8. I am glad to hear that you aren't quitting blogging but I am sad to hear that your mind is playing havoc with your mind.
    I hope that you have had a hot shower and are snuggled up some comfort reading and that Samuel L is quiet...really he should have shut up after Pulp Fiction.

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    1. Thank you so much dear girl xxxxx I am heading off to have a hot shower STAT!

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  9. It's the Irish in you - you know we're all totally mental! It's a way of life. I understand. Blog when you feel like it, whenever, whatever - you'll always have an audience with us. x

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    1. Damn straight! Crazy like a fox, the celts. Utterly bonkers. Love you and your work dear Sulky xxxxxx

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  10. There's a lot I can relate to here too. Funny how there seem to be a lot of very similar personality types skulking around here in blog land! Or maybe I'm just drawn to the blogs of people whose highs and lows I can relate to? Either way, I'm really glad you haven't chucked the blog altogether. I find mine really therapeutic, even in the weeks when I can only manage one post - and even in the weeks when I don't manage to write any posts but just sit back and read other people's! Props to you for being brave and honest and finding solace/escapism in books not booze. Luckily old Alexander McCall Smith is annoyingly prolific, so you should be OK for a good while yet. xx

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    1. You are so right Lara I don't think I could really stop for good. And yes, we bloggers tend to be introspective types that's for sure xxx
      Thank you for your lovely words

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  11. There's a lot I can relate to here too. Funny how there seem to be a lot of very similar personality types skulking around here in blog land! Or maybe I'm just drawn to the blogs of people whose highs and lows I can relate to? Either way, I'm really glad you haven't chucked the blog altogether. I find mine really therapeutic, even in the weeks when I can only manage one post - and even in the weeks when I don't manage to write any posts but just sit back and read other people's! Props to you for being brave and honest and finding solace/escapism in books not booze. Luckily old Alexander McCall Smith is annoyingly prolific, so you should be OK for a good while yet. xx

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    1. Yes Alexander McCall Smith pumps those novels out doesn't he!!!??? I am feeling much more inspired about the blog now I have written this post. So much better. Thank you Lara xx

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    2. HAHA I replied to both your comments I am totally a mental.

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  12. I totally get it all... To the point there are certain bloggers (who are blogging through adversity and are beautiful writers) that my husband has banned me from. My brain sounds like an old washing machine on high spin some mornings and it can be a vicious cycle. I've veered off from blogging at the moment as I have so much going on in my head and I'm frequently sick too! I don't know what the answer is - but thank you for sharing xx

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    1. Thanks for reading and commenting Luisa. There are some things I need to steer clear of too. I hear you on the washing machine thing. I hope you feel better soon xxxxx

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  13. Hey lovely - so busy doing stuff that I managed to completely miss this post! I've been there once or twice (or maybe more) myself and it sometimes feels like that bloody GAD is hanging around waiting to bite me on the bum. I'm going to email you properly in the next day or two but I'm sending you a HUGE hug to be going on with. You take care of yourself NS because you've become rather important to me (and them ^^^) xxx

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    1. Thank you NS! So sweet. I am so freaking TOUCHED that you said that. I can't believe I wrote this but I am glad I did. Stupid GAD. xxx

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  14. It sounds bloody awful..from my purley selfish perspective please dont stop blogging ..just talk to us when you want to

    hope today at least you on the upward swing

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    1. I won't stop smr. I love it so. I just felt reluctant but since I wrote this I feel much more relaxed about it. Thank you for always reading xx

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  15. I think it is great that you've let it all hang out and can well, laugh at your neurosis. Also you are getting on with things and doing your best to sort yourself out without going all self-pitying. There is nothing like a nice hot bath and a comfort read...all washed down with a glass of chilled white wine. Keep writing and I'll keep reading. hugs xx

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    1. Thank you Emma! You are the best. I want to be you when I grow up x

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  16. Ahhh - welcome to the mental club LOL If you pop on over to my blog there are lots of whiney, reflective, serious posts on my feelings and stuff. Did you ever see the one that was Soooo Whiney that I deleted it!! Can't help it. It's where my life is right now - though I'm on the better side of it now. You don't have to be happy and funny all the time. Real life isn't like that unless you are super duper lucky! You know what, I think everyone is a little bit mental. I mean - what is normal anyway? I don't reckon there is any such thing as normal! We all have our little quirks and struggles. Good on you for speaking up. Feels good to get it off your chest.

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    1. True dat Min! We are all mental. Yes I read that post of yours and commented but I totally understand why you wrote it and also why you chose to delete it. SO lovely to meet you today! x

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  17. Thank you so much for such an honest and heart-felt post. It seems we have a lot in common. I'm taking the first step towards fighting my depression/anxiety by dragging my sorry-ass to the docs this week. I've felt this way since I was 11 years old - time to do something about it, instead of throwing myself into work/ caring for the family as a way to ignore it! Hope you feel better soon x

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    1. Patchy thank you for your lovely words. Yes absolutely DO SOMETHING you don't have to trundle through life always feeling that way. It was really liberating to realise that. Wishing you so much luck and I hope you feel better really soon x

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  18. yes yes a million times yes.

    You are freaking awesome.

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    1. No, you are. You really really are x

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  19. I broke my 'don't ever bother replying on a tablet rule' to respond to this one.... I tried last week, but it didn't work. Totally get this. I struggle with anxiety too...... Hope things have improved. So lovely meeting you and your cousin- let us know if you're ever in the hood for a catch up x

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Vent your spleen! You know you want to.

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