Wednesday, April 30, 2014

My very exciting announcement!

I don't know about you lot but I always read a blog entry that has some sort of "EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT!" or "HARDCORE BLOG DEVELOPMENTS OMG THINGS ARE HAPPENING FOR ME FINALLY!" title.

I mean, who wouldn't!

So...basically I have tricked exciting developments here. MWAHAHAHAHA. Oh dear I feel practically crazed with power.

Still, I have decided I am going to become more diligent with the blog and try and make something happen.

I mean I am freaking talented and my whole life is performance art so if others can do it, why not I?

So, as professional bloggers and organised people are wont to do, I have decided to institute a blogging schedule.  This is to force me into writing every day.

Here it is - oh I am so excited!*

Monday - Moaning Martha Monday - join me as I elucidate on things that get my goat, where I vent my proverbial spleen, and where I basically WHINGE FOR AUSTRALIA!

Tuesday - Tasty Tuesdays! Join me, um, again I guess, as I talk about FOOD - come here for tips and tricks, budget meal ideas and healthy recipes!**

Wednesday - WHINGING WEDNESDAY! Oh no wait, that sounds a bit too much like Moaning Martha Monday.  Ughh. I'll have to come back to Wednesday.

Thursday - Thrifty Thursday! Join me, as I go on incessantly about all the crap I've bought at op shops.  Crazy Jesus statues with chipped noses? TICK! Ancient Scottish woollen sweaters? GUILTY AS CHARGED!

Friday - FARSHHHHHION FRIDAY! This one is my favourite. Here I will go on about clothes and that.  Because I like clothes. And that.

Saturday - On Saturdays we will welcome back the much missed SLAPDASH REPORT! Where I update you on all things CURRENT AFFAIRS AND POLITIC-ESQUE. You know you want it!

Sunday - Slappy Sunday.  Here I just crap on about whatever I feel like.  AWESOME TO THE MAX! what should I do for Wednesdays? Any ideas? Anyone out there still reading this blog?

Alan? Alan? Alan?

Here's a photo of a hamster.
Look at him! HE HAS A CORM!

*DISCLAIMER: am not actually that excited
**HAHAHAHA as if -  tricked you again. I will talk about food though I guess because I tend to eat lots of it, more's the pity.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Procrasti-bunting - a CRAFTY HOW-TO!

Now I don't know about you, dear reader, but I spend a shizz-load of time looking at things on the interwebs like Apartment Therapy, and following various interior designy crafty people on Instagram and whatnot.  In doing so, I had a revelation - there was one thing all these people had in common. They had BUNTING!

Yes, that's right, BUNTING! Bunting is to hipster parents interior designing the living shnizzle out of their kid's bedroom what, well, what a baton is to a conductor, what a mullet is to a bogan.  It is the HEART AND SOUL of hip parenting style.

So, I said to myself - SELF, I said - I need to get me some bunting!

For a little while I contemplated sewing some...and then I had a good lie down and realised the folly of my ways. AS IF!

Check out this super easy and creative alternative!  Check it out I say!


HOW GOOD DOES THIS LOOK!? Pretty bloody good, right!?

So, you are probably thinking - HOW ON EARTH DID SHE MAKE THIS AMAZING BUNTING WITHOUT THE USE OF NEEDLE AND THREAD!?  Well wonder no more. For I will tell you all.

 I call this procrasti-bunting - because I was supposed to be doing something important instead when I made it. AS USUAL!

No-sew bunting - SLAPDASH STYLE!

1.  Get some paper doilies that your lovely sister-in-law bought for you as a present once. Not sure what she was hoping I would use them for but I'm hoping making bunting from them is ok. Anyway lucky she bought them because I have NO IDEA where you would get paper doilies from. NONE I SAY!

2.  Get some scissors. Cut the doilies into triangles - I KNOW WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS IT'S AMAZING RIGHT!

3.  Get some kitchen string.  Sticky tape the triangles onto said kitchen string.  Then blu-tak the fark out of that string and stick it to the wall in the kids bedroom.


You can thank me later.

Got any BRILLIANT craft tips like mine? Fancy a bit of bunting? Do you go a paper doily? Let me know.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

It's tooooo darn hot!

Hello there.

What have you been up to?

I've been doing the following;

-  uni assignments
-  uni assignments
-  marking other people's uni assignments because MONEY
-  sweating
-  complaining about the weather
-  visiting with my parents
-  going to op shops
- celebrating my birthday belatedly with some fabbo blogging chums
-  taking my small daughter to a 4th birthday party at a play centre, momentarily panicking because I lost said small daughter for a goodly 5 minutes, then retrieving small daughter from stranger's birthday party after she insinuated herself into their room, sat down at the table, donned a party hat and began to eat her illicit chicken nuggets and chips with gusto. 
-  sweating
-  toilet training my boy - only he is sort of doing it all himself WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT THEN!? Touch wood, eh!?
-  uni assignments
-  loads of washing
-  thinking about exercise
-  thinking about being fat
-  folding loads of washing
-  tidying and retidying my cluttered house
-  taking my kids to the Lego movie in the middle of the day on the school holidays YEAH THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA I DON'T THINK OMG SO BUSY AND ACTUALLY I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE IT THAT MUCH
-  thinking about all the things I want to write but don't have time at the moment because ASSIGNMENTS and MARKING and CHILDREN and HOT WEATHER
- thinking about POLITICS and getting HOT UNDER THE COLLAR.  Is anyone else married to someone whose political opinions have diverged dramatically from yours? How do you avoid killing them ahahaha I mean squabbles? My husband is slowly turning into Boris Johnson, but without the good bits. I KID I KID HE HAS SOME GOOD BITS. Just not Boris Johnson's. Oh God I'm digging myself a hole.

I should probably stop typing because another blogger was telling me how they were looking back at their archives and when they first starting this blogging caper, hahaha, so funny, they just had posts with tonnes and tonnes of text and no pictures! I MEAN WHO WANTS TO READ THAT SHIT RIGHT!??

Ah oh.

Here's a picture - QUICK!

My husband, with friend. I KID I KID! This is Boris Johnson. He's a right character!

Here's a well-made bed to distract you all...

Hope you have some nice clean sheets to snuggle down on. Don't know why I bothered putting fresh sheets on our bed, I'll only sweat all over them again.


It's inhuman.

Good night, my friends, and good luck.

Monday, April 7, 2014


Well so much for more diligent blogging and writing. I haven't written a jolly thing except To Do lists and one essay since my last enthusiastic blog post.

Unemployed life is just so darn busy!

Here are some visuals...
Momma's watchin' her stories
Git yerself some grits child, Momma's busy
Momma's got a good feelin about this one kids!

Anyway, when I haven't been wasting time instagramming the shizz out of myself wearing a weird mullet (and LOOK I think that is a totally CREATIVE and LEGITIMATE artform so there), I've been wasting time at op shops. SEEING A THEME HERE PEOPLE? I start the blog post with pained complaints about having no time to blog/write, then i talk about all the weird crap I've bought at opshops. I think of opshopping as a totally legit creative artform too. My life is basically one long piece of performance art.

Here I am modelling an outfit sourced mainly from opshops. YOU TOO COULD GET THIS LOOK AND BE JUST AS LUMPEN AND AWKWARD LOOKING AS I! Oh yeah baby. I call this look "Matronly Boho".You saw it here first.

You can't tell in this photo but I am wearing BLACK UNDIES and the skirt is basically TOTALLY TRANSPARENT. I went to the shops and the library like this. I essentially don't even care any more. Check out my undies WHATEVER!

Also got these shoes. HOW GOOD ARE MY LEGS? SO GOOD!
Got these shoes too. My legs! I tell you! They are hot! Long hair don't care!

Got this hipster retro macrame plant holder at an op shop. What a find! God it was an exciting moment.
Got carried away with reading Apartment Therapy and embracing my macrame pot holder so I bought some more Hipster plants inluding this mother-in-law's tongue and pink pot. Don't know what's going on with my arm in this pic,something cray cray is happening.

Other things I have achieved recently include;

- finishing all the Breaking Bad episodes. I was satisfied with the end but wonder, will there ever be a Jesse spinoff? I for one would watch it.
-    taking up Lap Swimming. That is to say, I went once, last week.  Still, I was impressed with myself and instagrammed that moment too, for posterity. I hope to repeat it at some time in the next year. 
This brings me to another related development- I have committed to NEVER EVER shaving or waxing my bikini line again. My skin just can't cope. I am permanently covered in ingrown hairs, rashes and boils. What's worse, boils on your privates or some hairs? I take hairs. Some friends have been shocked by this revelation but I am remaining firm. I may invest in some board short related swimwear, or I may not. I can't be bothered doing it any more. If my pubes offend you, feel free to turn away in disgust. Not bovvered.     God almighty the formatting has gone absolutely doo-lally on this post so I think I might just quit while I'm ahead.                                           


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