Lalala - weekend things and stuff and Key Learnings and weather and whatnot.

Hello there peeps.

There has been some deadset doolally weather round these parts. I spent a few days up the coast at the Slapdash Family compound and there was a hum dinger of a hail storm while I was getting my hairs done at the, what I call, hairdresser. All us ladies there pressed ourselves up against the glass, robed in our capes and curlers, squealing and screeching things like "Oh me car!" and "Should we get some towels?" and "Everyone insured?".

Luckily the Noble Honda Civic that is our chariot of choice seems to have survived with the merest ding in the roof, despite veritable CRICKET BALL sized hailstones.

Then yesterday our Gracious and Tree-lined Suburb* was at the epicentre of another nutty storm that rent the kiddies daycare centre sun shades in twain and caused no end of consternation amongst eager local social media users. The magic of modern technology meant I could see a video of the hailstorm as it happened two houses away from ours, even though I was in the city at work. It's like living in the future!

Anyway the long weekend up the coast was very pleasant, as my brother, the prodigal son, had returned for a brief visit and my parents killed the fatted calf and whatnot**.

Here is evidence of said fraternal visitation.

During the visit I learnt some Key Learnings. The first of these Key Learnings was focused on my mother's dog. He is a sort of cattle dog and has been, for most of his life, rather neurotic and barky and disobedient. Push came to shove recently and Mum was forced to employ some Expert Assistance. aka Dog Whisperers.

They taught her how to show him who is boss. Apparently he had been stressed out because he thinks he is Pack Leader and frankly he is just not up to the job, being small of brain and feeble of character. So hence the manic barking and stress pooing and mentalness.

Mum had to give him what for and lay down the law and set things straight and so forth. Which, essentially, consists of sternly saying the word "BAH!" to him when he is playing up and carrying on like a pork chop. Apparently "BAH!" is a Universal Dog Sound that speaks to canines on a Profound Level and signals to them that All is Right in the world and that they are not pack leader, so they should just chill the hell out and relax and take it easy and enjoy a responsibility free lifestyle.

Weirdly enough it seems to have had a remarkable effect on the beast. So there you go.

The next, darker and more disturbing Key Learning, is as follows.
 My mother starkly revealed to me on the weekend that, even though since 1997 I have laboured under the illusion that I received the Highest Possible Mark for Senior English, thereby rendering me the Best English Student that my teacher had ever had, I did not, in fact, receive the HIghest Possible Mark and it is possible to get a Higher Mark then the mark that I got.

I know.

I basically don't even know who I am any more and have essentially been living a lie.

I had to have a good lie down after that revelation I can tell you.

Moving on from the destruction of lifelong belief systems, I had to race home from the coast in order to gussy P up in her ballet tutu and a face full of makeup for her official ballet photographs.

I am not cut out for this ballet mum caper. We still have a dress rehearsal AND a concert to go.

Not only will I need a lie down after it all but I daresay I will need a stiff drink or two by the time it is all over.

Cute though, right? Cute as a bug's ear.

In a final point for you this evening, I present an utterly hilarious and deadset clever piece of satire from the Tunnel Presents website. I've heard the person who wrote it is really good looking, nice smelling, kind, clever, generous, an excellent gardener with a high commitment to personal hygiene and permanently well styled hair. Ahem.

Good night readers. And good luck.


*and by Gracious I mean Bogan-acious
**by killing the fatted calf I mean shouted him to a bloody spensive steak at the local tavern

Bad habits.

Getting back into the blogging swing is hard. Anyway I'm trying. Even though you might think if you read this post that I have confused blogging with Pinterest. Whatever.

I am a woman of many bad habits. These habits include but are not limited to;

• nail biting and picking
• picking scabs
• squeezing pimples
• never having cash in my purse and always having to borrow money off people at work. I never even have cash in my purse for the church collection. Straight to hell.
• comfort eating
• obsessive thoughts
• procrastination 
• obsessive checking of certain websites that may or may not include Facebook
• thinking 24/7 about clothes and about buying clothes even though I have lots of clothes

I like to combine the two latter habits by obsessively trawling through online shopping websites, putting a whole lot of items into a virtual shopping basket, getting to the checkout and realising I don't have the money to spend and dumping the whole lot out again.

I am currently obsessed with the website birdsnest.com.au.

I want all of the things. They have heaps of really nice dresses.

Here's the latest shizz that I covet on their website.

I think if I had a larger collection of suitably brightly coloured and natty coverall kaftan arrangements, my enjoyment of the beach (with my ruddy pork crackling skin) would be increased 11/10.

Another beachy coverall thingo. I need it.

Cute dress, no? I am attracted to this yellow floral print. It speaks to me at a profound level and says "buy me! Throw chafing and caution to the wind!"

Obsessed with all the dresses by this label, "Lazybones". So lovely and they look cool and swishy. And flattering I reckon. I approve of this shape frock, it does wonders for my ample thighs and buttocks and relatively small waist.

Everyone needs a white dress for summer, right? Well, I think they do. I like this one. It would be a good way of hiding unshaven legs. Which let's face it is high priority round these parts.

What's not to like about this top? It has pom poms, it has sort of folksy Mexican embroidery, it's white, it's colourful, it has long sleeves for maximum sun protection.

Can't. Stop. Thinking. About. This. Dress. I mean, naturally I am thinking about Climate Change, Red Cross Appeals, social ISSUES, but also, this dress.

I likie this dressie.

Another excellent way to make the most of a small waist and conceal a hairy leg. I have one maxi skirt and by God I wish I had bought one sooner.

I have heard some terribly sad and upsetting things over the last few weeks, but at least I am soothed by mindlessly perusing clothes on the interwebs.

Do you pretend-shop on the internet? Should I really be doing this on Pinterest? Does anyone even care?

This happened, then that happened, then another thing happened.

Far out. I hate it when I forget to blog. It necessitates a sort of catching up post.

 

Ugh.

 

Anyway, here goes. Let's just get it out of the way and we can all move on, and hope like bally HECK that I do ACTUALLY get my act together blog-wise.

 

So Halloween happened. You can read my post from last year's Halloween if you like. And let's face it WHY WOULDN'T YOU?? 

I've given in totally (well, almost) to Halloween, being as how my kid was desperate to share it with her neighbours, and also I have to admit that I actually really like American stuff. She had a little witchy poo hat on and went along to one of the special streets round these parts that goes in for celebrations in a big way.  She managed to gather a hoard of treats that I confiscated and then proceeded to eat myself over the last couple of weeks. Luckily she seems to have forgotten about them.

I have some good friends who loathe Halloween, and look, I do admit that packs of roaming teenagers getting about with bolts in their necks can be somewhat OMINOUS but I am ok with small fry having a bit of a dress up and a trick or treat.

There I said it. 

I have no photographic evidence of the costume but never mind.

On to the next Festival that Divides the Nation - the Melbourne Cup!

 

Here's what happened this time last year! FASCINATING! AND NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE HATS!

I really love Melbourne Cup. Mainly because of the hats and FARRSHHIIOON and champers. Less so because of the evils of gambling and the whole shooting of horses what break their legs and so forth. I mean I am not on board with that. Naturally. Sad face.

But my work puts on a HELL of a shindig and I basically look forward to it all year because by God I don't get out much these days and a girl needs something to HOPE FOR.

I was going to write and article for The Shake about DIY hat fashion but I ran out of time what with me being really shithouse at writing at the moment.

Still, I did attempt to make a few fascinators including this one that I actually wore....

Made from some faux flowers I got from Spotlight and usually have shoved in a vase in my hallway, and my small daughter's sparkly headband. Deadset ingenious. Did kind of squeeze my skull a bit but as my mother always said, you have to suffer to be beautiful.

Made this one too, from a kindy creation P made with a paper doily stapled to it. I also made one out of Lego, trying to go for an Isabella Blow/Philip Treacey vibe. This was, however, less successful.

Here I am in my DIY fascinator. I got this dress at an op-shop recently for a few quid. Bargain! It was, however, slightly too tight for the enormous lunch I consumed. I had to unzip it at the back in an unladylike move.

Another, more artistic angle. Taken by my mercurial colleague R.

Here's some of the vittles from our luncheon. Pretty good right? They even have radish flowers and all! FANCY AS!

My work colleagues R and A getting their pink on.

Plonk.

Anyway, it was rather enjoyable. Not that I won anything but I never do.

Also, in an interesting move for the YOOF of Australia, I have applied to undertake a Postgraduate Diploma of Senior Secondary Education.

That's right, mofos, I am going to be school-marming it the utter heck up before you know it.

I'm trying not not to get ahead of myself, seeing as I haven't actually been accepted into the course as yet, but I see a beautiful future ahead for me.

“Coffee, coffee, coffee before we teach-ee teach-ee.”