Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Slapdash da Vinci needs YOU!

So I'm feeling a bit crook at the moment and had to have yesterday and today off work. DON'T PANIC MUM!

Even though I am feeling off it was still so completely fantastic to be at home and not to have to make the poo of a commute into the city.

I've been lying around and thinking about how good it would be if I could work from home.

Is it too much to ask?  I've been thinking about it and I reckon I've got a plan.

I need a patron.

That show off Leonardo da Vinci had the Medici family practically CHUCKING money at him, right? I mean when they weren't all becoming Popes and whatnot. I don't see what's so special about HIM. I'll give him Renaissance (Wo)Man!


Catherine-de-medici.jpg
Ole Catherine de Medici just patronising the HELL out of the arts BACK IN THE DAY

I can turn my hand to just about anything! Politics, art, science, poo, farts, bottoms, poo, literature and farts! And I do it all with a smile and some bright lippy! WAY BETTER than all those dreary old robes and floppy hats that he used to get about in.


UGH Leonardo, those floppy hats are so, like, 1500s! YOU NEED SOME POPS OF COLOUR!

See how freaking artistic I am? And take note Leonardo - pops of colour! BAM! I am dead set misunderstood.


I have so much to GIVE! Why won't my talent be recognised? If only some kindly sugar daddy/mummy of a patron would take me under his/her wing and ply me with money, booze, jacuzzis and booze. OK I'd settle just for the money, I am not an unreasonable woman.

SOMEBODY GIVE ME MONEY TO VOMIT CRAP INTO THE ETHER, WON'T SOMEONE GIVE PEACE A CHANCE?

And when I say give peace a chance, I mean give me some money.

As I've mentioned, I've got a lot to offer. I mean, for starters, one of the really FASCINATING things about me is that, unlike everyone around the traps these days, I HAVE NO TATTOOS! That's right people! I have PRISTINE UNTOUCHED SKIN! Acres of it. I am a fleshy ink-free zone! Totally deviant in this day and age. I mean, no tattoos are the new tattoos.

I could totally flog off my HIGH VALUE REAL ESTATE (ie body) to the highest bidder.

Give me money to write and I will tattoo your name/business/political ideology on my arm*. I'll get a freaking SLEEVE, baby! If Mitchell Johnson can do it then so can I.

Or I could, you know, approach it more traditionally and do some of those old faithful sponsored posts for my devoted patron.

I've got some targets in mind.  People with more money than sense (SHHH DON'T TELL THEM I SAID THAT OR THEY WON'T GIVE ME ANY).  Here's my list of possible Slapdash Mama Patrons and Sponsors;

Clive Palmer

Clive, I could write you the sponsored post to end all sponsored posts. I mean, you need some HELP, right? With your IMAGE. What with the new party and all? And the dinosaur park and shit? I CAN HELP WITH THAT! I've got some concepts I've been thrashing around, like "Clive Palmer: More than just a billionaire [SPONSORED POST]", or "Clive Palmer: The Man Behind the Dinosaurs Behind the Titanic Behind the Party Behind the Man [SPONSORED POST], or "Mining! It's Awesome! Let's do all the Mining! Yeah! Mines! [SPONSORED POST]. This could work. IT TOTALLY COULD!

Tom Waterhouse

Well, any of the Waterhouse family really. Well, whoever isn't in jail after all the More Joyous shamozzle. I could do a sponsored post with GIVEAWAY! Tom could giveaway some, you know, HORSE TIPS, to the winner of my competition! About, um, ahem, his mum's horses, and like, the ones that have limps and, erm...well...yeah anyway something like that, WE CAN REFINE THE DETAILS!

Gina Rinehart

I think I could ask Gina to write a regular column on the ole blog on PARENTING! Like, how to have an awesome relationship with your daughters and how to cope when they SUE YOUR ARSE? Either that or I could insinuate myself into her life effortlessly until she finally chucks over ALL her ungrateful children and WRITES ME INTO HER WILL! Her family have quite the tradition of this sort of thing I think you will find. Then I could be a lady of leisure and prattle on the internet to my heart's content. Ok, ok, so maybe she'd make me write the occasional post about how EVIL the mining tax is, how the carbon tax is the devil's work,  and also about how bad the mining tax is, BUT WHO AM I TO QUESTION MY PATRON? I'm flexible, people! Needs must!
Or I could just try and get a job with Fairfax, IT'S BASICALLY THE SAME THING THESE DAYS RIGHT?! Boom tish!

OK, so this sounds like a plan. Of sorts.

OR....I could just decide to host some little ads on my blog and see if anyone wants to advertise on it.

THAT'S RIGHT! I've decided to host some ads on the blog! I AM SO CHEAP YOU WON'T EVEN BELIEVE IT! CHECK OUT MY REASONABLE PRICINGS HERE!

YES! This whole rambling post in which I compare myself to Leonardo da Vinci and suggest that I ask Clive Palmer to patronise me, is a roundabout way of announcing I AM GOING TO HOST ADVERTISING ON THE BLOG! CALL ME!

Let's see how this goes, eh? Anyone out there with a small business, I CAN HOOK YOU UP WITH SOME GOOD SHIT! Well, some pretty good shit. OK, some average shit.

Do YOU have more money than sense yourself? Or a jacuzzi? Fancy yourself a bit of a highbrow patron of the arts type? Or maybe even your own mining company? PLEASE CONTACT ME! CLIVE PALMER I AM LOOKING AT YOU!

*I probably won't actually do this. You know, what with the pain and the kind of stupidity of the concept.

21 comments:

  1. Brilliant. Love your arty pose too you ijit. If you find a patron, let me know. I am thinking maybe I could do sponsored posts for, say, Smirnoff...

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    1. I would be open to basically anything booze related. Especially Veuve Cliquot. Fingers crossed!

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  2. Yes, and if Bombay Sapphire ever need a Poster Kitten, I'll be there for them!

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    1. Sulky not if I beat you to it! Hee Hee! Bottoms up eh ?

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  3. I feel your frustration intensely. Can you believe that Golden Crumpets have not yet approached me with their patronage. Meanwhile I have been working tirelessly to elevate their brand to the status of the macaroon. Its a labour of love but a little appreciation would not go astray.

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    1. Mumabs they don't know what they are missing. You are helping the crumpet brand more than they will ever realise the tight bastards.

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    2. Has their marketing department even HEARD of the internet. There you are working away tiresless for the crumpet cause - it's galling that's what it is.

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  4. Love it!
    Good luck in your quest to find a patron. I am off on a similar quest to win the lotto...I am getting closer to the holy grail...I can feel it.

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    1. No WE are going to win the lotto!!! Although to do that we would have to actually have to buy a ticket right? So...maybe I should do that. Buy a ticket. Yes.

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  5. Patron! Now there's an old-fashioned concept I hadn't considered. I just want to be a SAHM now my kids have grown up, don't need me and are never at home. Funnily enough, so does Mr Sans. Be a stay at home something, I mean.

    I keep hoping someone unfairly complains about me at work and I get fired. Then I can honestly say to my husband that it isn't my fault that I am unable to work..

    I wish I had realised my youthful body was gorgeous and that I valued money and not working more than self-respect, hard graft and intellectual rigour. If I hadn't scored a sugar daddy, at least I may have had more fun!

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    1. I know Lucinda! Such a waste! I think your desire to be a SAHS (something) is entirely resonable. Totally! If I can hook you up with a sugar daddy I will...

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  6. Unfortunately I do have more sense than money so cannot help out. Also I am tight as a badger's arse as they say in England. Now I don't want to rain on your parade but right now patronage is not as 'in.' If you look at any lady who has a life of leisure these days unfortunately if you follow your nose you will see she is living with a very rich man and offering him er, services. So this is the thing.....we need to make patronage hawt again. Get it out there on twitter. Florence's political leaders earned respect through their reputations, and providing patronage for a successful artist was a great public relations move. Only you can make this happen and soon you will have peeps desperate to be associated with your creative genius sending you shitloads of cash. You can do this!!

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    1. Right! Ok! I can do it! I mean Queensland is just dead set so much like Renaisaance Florence it is practically indistinguishable!
      I am onto it! I am looking up Clive Palmers twitter account RIGHT NOW!!!

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  7. I too am sick and need a patron ./lets face it a sugar daddy will do or in my case granddaddy

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    1. Oh no sorry you are sick smr! Look if come across any sugar parents I will send them your way x

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  8. Yay for working from home! I think you're much better looking than Leo too :-)

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  9. GO YOU! It's my aim to do that eventually, once I figure out how to make my blog look cooler! And if I had money or something to advertise I'll be all over you :) Em x

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    1. Em I paid someone to help redesign it using my creative vision! Also got proper pics done. I bit the bullet! Now in really need to make money from it!!! xx

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  10. Now there's a gap in the market. Forget reaching our to PR companies - we need to be reaching out to PATRONS! And any company that set's itself up as a broker between these two groups will be on the cutting edge of post-modernism!

    In other news.... why CAN"T I stay home and write waffle and fiddle with auto-shapes instead of going to my paid employment? WHY????

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    Replies
    1. Life is truly unfair R. It really is. Discover us damn you!!!

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Vent your spleen! You know you want to.

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