Stuff and junk and writing and not writing and hooks and pineapples and that.

I get hardly any time to update this here blog thing at the moment. Starting the blog has definitely reignited my love of writing, that is for sure. Well, when I say love, what I actually mean is weird obsessive NEED. I can hardly think of anything else.

Everything I hear, see, do, makes me think of something to write.  The frustration of constant words circulating in my brain and nowhere to vomit them out is just indescribable. In that I cannot actually describe it. It is just that indescribable. See I just can't describe it's indescribableness.

For example, Mum came for a visit today, and she was telling me about some weird family gathering she went to yesterday with her blind cousin who lives somewhere called "Bald Knob" or "Hairy Bum" or something ,and her other cousin who had a brain tumour and no short term memory, and they ate bone broth and drank tap water and reminisced about days of yore.  While we were having this conversation...

Mum: So we were talking about old Uncle Bill C____, and you know, how he had a hook for an arm, and...
Me: Wait, what? He had a HOOK for an arm?
Mum: Yeah, yeah he had a hook for an arm, you know, and he was married to Auntie A___, who was a bat...
Me: WTF? He married a bat?
Mum: Her NAME was Bat, stop interrupting. Anyway so he had a hook for an arm and he owned a pineapple farm in Yeppoon, and...
Me: He ran a PINEAPPLE FARM??!
Mum: *rolling eyes* YES of course he ran a pineapple farm, you know that, anyway and Cousin V____,  he couldn't remember ever meeting me! And so I told him how he used to put elephant beetles down my shirt when we visited the pineapple farm...
Me: Elephant beetles!?
Mum: YES! You know this story! Anyway, so I told him about the elephant beetles, and how he lived with us for a while when he was studying, and...
Me: Oh, and then he remembered who you were?
Mum: Yes! Well, only for about five minutes until he asked me again and I told him about the elephant beetles again, you know, because of the brain tumour thing, and...
Me: Hang on, he has a BRAIN TUMOUR?!!

..basically, all I could think was "NOT FAIR how come I wasn't at this gathering with the people with the brain tumours and hooks and the pineapples and the bats  I TOTALLY COULD HAVE PUT IT ON THE BLOG!".


Anyway look what I did there, I put it on the blog anyway.

I know the blog seems silly and sweary and blarghyarghy but I get a huge amount of satisfaction from it.

But it is SO hard to find the time to actually put pen finger to paper keyboard.

Anyway I'm not looking for sympathy, just, you know, venting my spleen and shit. Well, maybe not venting my shit. That's just gross.

Let's move on quickly.

When I actually get time to write something there are so many ideas floating around in my head that I am rendered sort of mute.

Sometimes I think I might never update the blog ever again. And then I do. And I feel better for a while.

So here I am. Updating the blog.

Wearing clothes and stuff and how you look and that.

I'm on The Shake burbling on about wearing clothes and whether you are your clothes and joining the Masons and blah blah so forth.


http://www.theshake.com.au/flair/are-you-what-you-wear/

Wenatex pillow WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!

Hello everyone! Today I announce the much anticipated winner of the amazing Wenatex pillow giveaway!

To enter, you had to tell me why you deserved a good night's sleep - and you had to MAKE ME LAUGH!

The funniest entry would win!

I can tell you it was a toss up between a couple of entries that made me laugh out loud.  But in the end, I decided to choose...

ALEX FINLAYSON for his entry. Because VOMIT! Need I say more.

Here's his entry...

Great post... and at the risk of being "cyber-glared-at" (because we all know Dads win the game of 'who can keep their eyes shut the longest and pretend they are sleeping through the noise of the crying child') I'll answer your question.

Two nights ago we camped out in the back yard but the missus and RatBoy bailed out at about 10pm. RatGirl and I stayed in the tent but she kept wriggling out of her sleeping bag so I spent 'the entire night' making sure she was warm... and she snores.
Then last night RatGirl woke me up by tapping on my face... then spewing on it. The poor little bugger was sick every 20 minutes or so. And I'm organising a surprise "Congratulations! You're Still in Your 20s!" 29th birthday party for the missus so I've got a lot to do today... 

and being a bloke I get all 'grumpy-zombie' when I'm tired

Alex! Get in touch with me so I can send yo' details to the Wenatex peeps so they can post you their pillow. 

Thank you everyone for entering and thanks Wenatex for the great gift!

Over and out.

Better the Weber you know.

Today I'm writing about my BBQ. In keeping with today's Lounge theme. Which is BBQ. I know, I'm such a creative person.

Ole RoboMum is hosting today - check her post out and all the other peeps too!

So we have a BBQ. It's a Weber kettle arrangement. Not gas. Wood or heat beads.

We got it a few years ago. M was dead keen on getting this type. I wanted a gas BBQ. You know, so we could USE it and stuff. As it is, we have this bloody thing that you have to fire up at least eleventy hours before you want to eat, or there's nothing doing. The first time we used it we had friends over and we didn't get our laughing gears round our snags and chops until about 10pm.

I mean the whole bloody POINT of a barbie queue is to just, like, chuck a couple of steaks on and, you know, two minutes later you've got yourself a low carb dinner for minimum fuss!

Fucking disappointing frankly. It caused no end of tension between my beloved and I. Stupid thing.

It's somewhat better now we've realised that the strength of the Webber is as a sort of oven. You can cook a mean roast chook in it that's for certain. Still, we can cook a mean chook in our proper oven too so I'm still not totally convinced of its charms.

One of the endearing things about this particular Weber is that when we bought it, it came with a "gift with purchase". 

Observe...

This recipe book is one of the more hilarious things I've had the pleasure of owning. It is an Ode to the Weber. The authors are Hardcore Weber Devotees. THEY ARE WEBER EVANGELISTS!

Behold them in all their glory.

Brash young barbecue salesman meets home economics guru - and BAM - the magic happens!

I have a real fondness for this 1970s food aesthetic. Liberal use of glace cherries - TICK! Did you know you could bake cakes in a Webber? IS THERE NOTHING THOSE THINGS CAN'T DO?

You can even make a Bombe Alaska in a Weber. Or should I say - BOMBE KOSCIUSKO! BAM! SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE?!

Hardcore 1970s dinner party aesthetic. I LOVE IT SICK!

 The Webber did have its moment to shine when P was a baby, when we used it to dispose of a particularly heinous baby book that we owned.

Don't listen to those bossy free speech libertarian types, burning books can be fucking SATISFYING, particularly for crazed and sleep deprived parents.

Said baby book in said Weber. Parents beware. This book is farking crazy. I knew this photo would come in useful one day.

A picture of me at the time. To explain what might be construed as a SLIGHTLY hysterical decision. You know, to burn a book. POSSIBLY slightly cray cray.
Hey lady, nice eyebags! They so big you look like you goin' on VACATION!

The Weber will always have a place in my heart for this reason, despite its inadequacies.

The End.

Baby boomers do technology.

My mum recently got herself a Smart Phone.

I know.

That was the sound of my brain exploding.

I don't think she would mind me saying she has been rather RELUCTANT to embrace new technologies.  Until now. With one quick purchase she has catapulted herself into the 21st century.

I know she bought herself a Smart Phone because she told me herself, but if she hadn't mentioned it, there's been a few CLUES that might have given me an inkling.

Clue 1 - I had THIS conversation with my Dad.

Me - "Hi Dad"
Dad - "Hello."
Me - "How's things?"
Dad - "Good. Is your mother alright?"
Me - "Um...I think so. Why?"
Dad - "Oh nothing, it's just that I received a confusing text message from her"
Me - "?"
Dad - "Actually I received it 3 times. In a row."
Me - "?"
Dad - "And I think it was meant for someone else."
Me - "Oh. I think she's got a new Smart Phone."
Dad - "Oh right."
Me - "Maybe she was sitting on it?"
Dad- "Yeah maybe".

Clue 2 - I received a "Linked In" request from my own mother.

What does it mean? IS SHE ASKING ME FOR A JOB? I HAVE NO IDEA! I DON'T EVEN USE LINKED IN!

Clue 3 - I received the following text message sequence.

Mum - Love you, Nanny
Mum - PS I've transferred some money into your account
Me - !!!!
Me - Why???
Mum - Don't worry no I haven't
Me - Was that message meant for someone else
Mum - Yep
Me - LOL

Clue 4 -   I have the following phone conversation with her.

Mum - "Hi darling"
Me - "Hi. That was funny about the text message wasn't it!?"
Mum - "Haha, yes very funny! Still it was great how I worked out how to send all those photos to P wasn't it?"
Me - "What photos?"
Mum - "Um..oh GOD don't tell me I didn't send them to you?"
Me - "Um..nope"
Mum - "I wonder who I sent them to then?"
Me - "Maybe you sent them to Dad? He mentioned he got several confusing messages from you. We were speculating that perhaps you had left the phone in your pocket and sat on it"
Mum - "Oh dear! I wonder if ALL my text messages are going to the wrong people? I did accidentally put your father's phone number in under my massage therapist's name..."
Me - "Oh MUM!"
Mum - "Maybe all my text messages are just going to your father?"
Me - "Far out."
Mum - "Hahahaha!"
Me - rolling eyes

Clue 5 - I receive the following text message from Mum

Mum - Arr you


THE END

Talking Frankly. Or frankly talking?

Happy Friday lovely readers!

Today I am guest posting over at Alison from Talking Frankly's blog!

In a hilarious turn of events she has described me as "bonkers" and "energetic"!

Anyone who knows me in the flesh will know that I am actually a lazy, morose type who likes to complain about the unfairness of the world.

Still I'll take that description and roll with it!

She is so amusing and lovely - you should all immediately go and follow her on Bloglovin or whaever it is the cool kids are doing these day.

THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME YOU LOVELY PERSON!

Favourite photos. The Lounge.

Hello everyone. It's Thursday so it is Lounge time. Thank goodness for enforced topics because sometimes I can't think of anything to blog about.

I KNOW!

Hard to believe right? 

Today Tegan is hosting over at her blog Musings of the Misguided and we are talking about our favourite photos.

If you are a regular reader of the blog you will know that photography is not my strong suit. I mean, I appreciate a good photo as much as the next person, but taking them? Taking them is something else.

My family have never been very VISUALLY TALENTED. I mean my Mum is practically blind and Dad is - oh well, his talents lie elsewhere (as Faux Fuchsia would say).  Most of the photos of my childhood are off centre or obscured by a blurry thumb or two. I'm pretty sure the parentals wouldn't mind me saying that.

M's family are excellent photographers and have a vast library of family photos.  I am jealous.

Anyway I chose some of my favourite family pics to show you.  The first 3 are from my ARTISTIC AND OFF CENTRE QUIRKY WALL OF PHOTO FAME that I have arranged in the hallway with my MAD INTERIOR DESIGN SKILLLLLZZZZ.

 Therefore in order to share them with you I had to take photos of the photos.

HENCE THE RATHER POOR QUALITY! 

But that's just how I roll.

I am also breaking my rule about not including people's faces (except mine these days) because they are all pretty old pics so I think it's ok.

This is a family photo of my Mum, Dad, my brother and I. I love it, because in a sort of pathetic yearning for what might have been that only other adult children of divorced parents could understand, I like to look at it and imagine they had never separated. Sad but true. PS My brother is unfairly characterised as grumpy in this photo but he was just squinting into the sun. He was a dead set cheery baby. 

This is a photo of my paternal grandmother (she is the one on the right) and her sisters. Her young unmarried uncle had this photo taken of the girls so he could have something to keep while he was away at war in WW1. The family story is that he was killed on the last day of the war, and the photo came home with his things. I am sure lots of families have similar stories. So sad.

This is a photo of my maternal grandmother judging the Miss Something Something Competition in the Whitsundays. I can't remember what. I think the sash on the girl at the end says "Coral Queen 1965"? My grandfather was the police inspector up that way at the time and she had to do things like this. Well, she probably didn't HAVE to but who would knock this gig back???!! Fun! 

Also I am including one last pic, because I am having an early mid life crisis. Here's a photo of me when I was the three things that I am not any more and never will be again.

1. Young (er)

2. Childless

3. Thin (ner)

Anyway there's a few of my favourite pics. Obviously I have an endless stream of adorable photos of my kids and some nice ones of my husband but we don't have all day now do we? 

Smell you later!

Mwah.

The wind beneath my wings.

It was our wedding anniversary last weekend.

We went out to dinner at a great restaurant called Hellenika, at Nobbys Beach. It was really fantastic. I was high on pseudoephedrine and also drank nearly a whole bottle of red wine to myself. WEEEEEEEE!*

Anyway you should go there if you are on the GC it's tops.

I thought about posting about our wedding day and putting some old photos up, but decided it was too self indulgent, because I don't like to put photos of other people on my blog without asking them. And M is HARDCORE not into having photos of himself on the interwebs. So it would just be a full colour spread of ME ME ME.

And then I thought, FUCK IT, this is my blog and I can indulge my whims if I want to.

So, New Idea style, here is a full colour spread of photos from our wedding 6 years ago. Minus any photos of anyone except me.

OK I might include some headless snaps of other people just to give a complete picture. Anyone in these pics I will take them down if you want me to.

MWAHAHAHA.

Just imagine Bette Midler singing "Wind beneath my wings" while you scroll through these.

Interesting facts about our wedding:

-  The grass was really wet and squishy and I had to stand on the balls of my feet lest the heels of my spiky heels sink into the mud. I hadn't thought that one through
- The couple who ran the restaurant where we got married were weird. The vibe was hostile. The man was ok but woman seemed to hate us for some reason. They were in the process of handing it over to new owners. My theory was that they were getting divorced and that would explain her venomous feelings about marriage.
-  The marriage celebrant was an old teacher of mine
- The photographer was my cousin's friend. Now he is my (almost) brother in law!
- My bridesmaids were my friends B and J, they are sisters. They were my housemates at a time in my life when I was lower than a lizard's belly and they helped me get through it without even really knowing they did.
- We had the poem "Owl and the pussy cat" read by the celebrant. Aren't we cute.
- I didn't have a wedding car, I just called a cab. Everyone seemed to think this was weird, particularly the cab driver. When he arrived he said "Which one of you is the bride?". We were like, um, dude, the one wearing a white dress and carrying a bouquet maybe?
- We had a lunchtime wedding. This also blew people's minds. But we rocked on into the night with a bar tab at a bar in Mooloolaba. Yeah.
- There was a "blue moon" the night of our wedding.
- I did my own makeup and hair. The bridesmaids did their own. They also chose their own dresses.

You can read about how M and I met here. Marriage is weird and sometimes it is hard. But all up I like it. I like it a lot.


*Don't try this at home people. Don't worry I didn't breastfeed the kid.

Lazy mother tips. Music.

I'm a pretty lazy person, when all is said and done. Motherhood has challenged my natural lazy instincts like you wouldn't believe. No more lying on the couch for a whole weekend reading. Unfair.

Anyway lazy mothers still have to try and come up with shit to entertain their kids with so I thought I would prepare a series of Lazy Mothering Tips.

Here's the first one.

When the kids are doing your head in, crank up some tunes and dance maniacally at them until they stop whinging. It really freaks them out. I just go for it and pretend it is the year 2000 and I am cutting moves in Super Delux in the Valley. ANyone remember that place? If you ever read this post I wrote a little while ago you will remember that I had years of training in this particular technique. I used to use it as a way to torment my younger brother.

Hahaha.

As well as being lazy I am also prone to obsessions. Particularly with songs. I play them over and over and over until I never want to hear them again. Many of my former housemates can attest to this irritating habit.

Currently these are the songs I am obsessed with. Feel free to copy my playlist and let me know if my technique of bamboozle and distract works for you too.

P's favourite is the last one. Fo' sho'.

Wenatex bloggers event. AND A GIVEAWAY!

Good day loyal readership.
Thursday is, as always, the weekly Lounge Linkup. This week it is being hosted by the wonderful Kim Frost's blog Falling Face First. And the topic, you may be pleasantly surprised to note, is FAILS and STUFF UPS and so forth. I wouldn't know anything about that now would I?

Hmmmmmmmm.....

Well, it just so happens that I recently got invited to my first ever proper bloggers product event thingie the other week. Blog Power Events organised a morning tea, hosted by a company called Wenatex.

Never heard of them? I hadn't either! I was intrigued, nay, DELIGHTED to be invited. I mean WHO WOULDN'T?! I was dead set excited. I HAD FINALLY MADE IT ON THE BLOGGING SCENE, PEEPS!

I was quite nervous, but determined to make an EXCELLENT impression. I workshopped my outfit, booked in my Dad to babysit the dumplings, and Google mapped the hell out of the directions to the venue.

Or did I? Well to be perfectly honest what I did was what I ALWAYS DO. Despite my notoriously poor sense of direction, I quickly Googled the directions, took a bit of a look at them and said to myself "OH YES THAT LOOKS SO EASY I DON'T EVEN NEED TO REALLY WRITE THEM DOWN OR ANYTHING I CAN TOTALLY SEE HOW TO GET THERE! TOTALLY!" and headed off on my merry way.

OK so maybe when I headed off I might have already been about 1/2 hour late, but I said to myself "I can totally make up the time, it's not peak hour, there will be no traffic, PIECE OF CAKE!"

There was traffic. Oh lord was there traffic. Some sort of crazy accident or road works or whatever. Who knows, whatever it was had disappeared and left behind a traffic jam of epic proportions. OK maybe not epic but STILL BIG! I tried to be as ZEN as a MOFO about it but I could see the dice weren't exactly rolling my way.

I finally got into Brisbane and over the Gateway Bridge, and somehow was in the general vicinity of the venue, with enough time up my sleeve that could lead me there ON TIME! I know, I was pretty surprised too.

It was then I reached a crossroads. My inadequate scratchings on the back of an envelope merely stated the road I had to turn into, it didn't say which way to turn. The options were left OR right. I took a punt and turned left.

It was not the right decision. As I drove further and further along, I started to realize I was almost in the city. This was not good. By now the odds were firmly stacked against me ever arriving on time. I screeched over into a sidestreet and re-Googled the directions. "Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry!" I told myself. "IT'S GONNA BE OK."

I think I then proceeded to take approximately 17 million wrong turns before finally arriving at the venue. I then did about twenty drive bys before I could find a corner of the street to park in.

So all in all, I arrived, sweaty, red faced and flustered, about 45 MINUTES LATE.

I know. How embarrassing. I guess it was kind of ON BRAND though, you know, SLAPDASH MAMA SHE SO CRAZY kind of thing.

Anyway, lucky for me, when I arrived there was an AMAZING bed, doona, pillow, fancy pants high tea spread and Pimms to soothe my savage breast.

Because it turns out Wenatex manufacture and sell sleep related gear - mattresses, pillows, doonas, you name it.

Here I am recovering from my difficult journey...

 Now that is a woman who is in need of a comfy bed. I am here to say that this was undoubtedly the comfiest bed I have ever had the pleasure of reclining on. I mean, maybe I'm no judge, what with my old school foam mattress on a single bed that I had until I was 18, but still. Comfy! Comfy as!

Wenatex is a European company and by God do those Europeans love a good lie down, am I right? I mean, siestas and naps left, right and centre! And apart from being as comfy as all get out, all the products are also free from chemicals harmful to humans, which is a very good thing indeed.

And apparently, according to our presenter, "intimacy" is also "AMAZING" on these mattresses. If you get my drift.

PHWOAAARRRR!

Some of their products are stuffed with their own special blend of secret herbs and spices, all designed to help you sleep. No, not THOSE secret herbs and spices!

Also the pillows have SILVER in them, so WATCH OUT WEREWOLVES, OK!? Or am I thinking of vampires?

Anyway pretty sure that if you had one of these herb stuffed mattress things or a silver pillow you would be safe from vampires AND werewolves*.

We got a pillow each as a present and I can tell you now I have NOT been attacked by a werewolf OR a vampire since.

You can read more about Wenatex on their website here

You too could have this protection! Wenatex have given me this pillow to give away to one lucky reader!

1  Wenatex Silvermed Plus classic pillow - http://www.wenatex.com.au/our_products.asp   RRP $320

I know! That is one high quality pillow right there!

To enter, you must complete the following challenges.

Tell me in the comments why you DESERVE a good night's sleep! I will be choosing the answer that amuses me the most so try and make it FUNNY!

If you wanted to go and like the blog's Facebook page that would be pretty cool too. WINK WINK!

The winner will be announced in a fortnight, on Thursday 22nd July.

 EDITED TO ADD: OH GOD SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHY I WROTE THIS. Thursday isn't the 22nd! I will change the date to MONDAY 22nd JULY.

*May not actually provide protection against supernatural life forms.

 DISCLAIMER: I was gifted a cool pillow. I am very lucky. I didn't receive any other payment for this giveaway. OK?

Cold. Yoga. Hirsutism.

Hi guys.
Hope your week is traveling well.

I was doing a spot of fairly inadvisable reading of the Slapdash Mama back catalogue today. Apart from the whole UGHHHHH people are reading the SHITE I am writing feeling I got, I was also struck by a common thread. So common, in fact, that it is in fact referred to as the COMMON COLD.  That's right. A considerable number of my erudite missives are complaints about either me or (God forbid) M or the kids having a bloomin' cold. Just SO INTERESTING for everyone I am sure.

Well GUESS WHAT!!?? I have a cold. Right now. This minute. The kids and M are just recovering from one too.

Despite my suffering I still went to work. I'm not sure if this wasn't seen in a negative light by my colleagues what with the wastepaper basket overflowing with snotty tissues and all, but a working mother never has any sick leave to waste. Don't get me started on that.

I also dragged my carcass up to the yoga class I go to at work at lunchtime. I was VERY unenthusiastic, but felt compelled to attend. Mostly because I had forgotten to make my payment to the organisers and had to scab $65 off my longsuffering yet cheery workmate MG. I understandably felt that after his generous loan I really couldn't skip it, more's the pity.

Anyway it was quite a stressful class, what with my stuffed up snout rendering my yogic breathing ineffectual, and my feeble attempts to conceal my utterly feral unshaved legs from the rest of the class. I am determined not to weaken and shave my hairy pins until the end of winter, when I can start a brand new regime of waxing, and therefore hopefully reduce the amount of time I spend attending to my body hair.  Anyway I spent a goodly amount of the class today lying flat on my back gazing at the ceiling. Still, it's the thought that counts.

Speaking of body hair, I am totally over mine. Or should I say, it is totally over me! Like ALL OVER ME! I have always been a fairly hirsute lady, but I swear as I get older I get hairier and hairier. I am developing a veritable beard. Not a day goes by when I don't suddenly catch sight of my chin hairs glinting in the sunlight and have to make a hasty dash for the tweezers.  Maybe I should just grow it and get a job as a bearded lady? I could have my own You Tube channel, that seems all the rage these days.

My legs are bloody hairy too, and my bikini line (if you can call it that!) goes almost to my knees.

I've ranted about this before but frankly it's worth repeating. I sort of felt the need to apologise for it at my last de-pelting at the beauticians.

"I swear I'm just getting HAIRIER and HAIRIER! I mean it's practically down to my KNEES now!" I remarked to her.

She shrugged disinterestedly and said, in an accent reminiscent of the Gay Mancunian Heroin Addict caracter "Keanu Reevess" from Saxondale, "Oh, it's just hormonal, all that hair is. Hor-MON-al."

Fuck you hormones, you've been the bain of my existence since I was an early blooming twelve year old, with a bra strap ripe for the snapping by over excited pre teen boys.

Anyway I will leave you with a snippet of a Saxondale episode, featuring aforementioned Gay Mancunian character, for the unenlightened of you who aren't familiar with it. Enjoy.