Sunday, November 25, 2012

007 - Lady Date. Beach. Batshit crazy.


I am feeling sweary.

Last night, being reluctantly torn from from my usual Saturday night activities (ie. watching Gardening Australia, folding washing, and going to bed early), I was forced out into the real world AFTER DARK.  Scary shit people.  I cant tell you how weird it feels when you are generally a shut in, only being released for solo nocturnal outings to ALDI or Woolies or some such place.  One of my dearest friends JJ (funky mother to three and arts worker extraordinaire) and I decided to throw caution to the wind and meet at that well-known artistic and cultural hub the Logan Hyperdome to view the latest James Bond film Skyfall.  Look, I'm not really a Bond devotee or anything but frankly anything that started at the right time of night (ie. NOT 9.30pm as that is hardcore past my bedtime) was fine with us, and I have always been partial to a bit of Daniel Craig ogling, so Bond it was.

The Hyperdome is about 20 mins from my place and 20 mins the other way from JJ's so it was perfect, but actually I'd never been to see a movie there before.  It was pumping baby!  The joint was jumping!  As JJ said, who knew!?  And why not, too....who wouldn't frequent a place that not only has a humongous cinema but also boasts a Sizzler's, a Gilhooleys pub and a Coffee Club amongst other things?  I don't BLAME them!   All you inner city snobs are missing out on all the action.  Anyway suffice to say it was the place to be and every man woman and child were there to see James Bond too.  Luckily it was in the most 'normous cinema ever known to humankind so that was fine.

I think the most exciting thing was seeing the trailer for Les Mis.  Oh. Em. Gee.  We were in ecstasy.  JJ reminisced about her youthful choral career and we both shed a little tear.  Hugh Jackman! Sacha Baron Cohen! Russell Crowe!  Heck yes. 

Skyfall was very entertaining of course in a camp sort of way.  Daniel Craig was looking a bit more haggard and weathered so less easy on the eye but I still felt fondly towards him.  Anyway there was sufficient bonking of Bond girls, car chases and blowing up of secret service buildings for even the most devoted of Bond aficionados, so all good there.  We had a blast.  We were totally Mums on the Run.  I pitied the people sitting next to us but not enough to stop our endless guffawing  and general chattering.  We have PRECIOUS FEW opportunities for this shizz people!

You can shake me OR stir me anytime, baby. [Source]
As a result I felt positively renewed today, like a new woman.  I felt kind and benevolent.

M had suggested we go on a family outing to the beach so I agreed, and after breakfast we packed up and set off for Currumbin where he thought there was a nice area for small fry to splash.  We had an ok time even though the bloody sun tent thing broke so I spent the whole morning sitting at a picnic table with B so his little bald head didn't get burnt to a crisp while M and P had a swim .

B and M.

P giving me cheek.

For someone who grew up on the Sunshine Coast and now lives on the Gold Coast I have me some deep seated ISSUES when it comes to the beach.  Issues I tell you.

As a teenager on the coast all the cool kids were surfie types and so I did the obligatory bleaching of hair and wearing of board shorts and bikini tops, as was the style at the time.  But as soon as I moved away to the Big Smoke for uni I died my hair pink, red, black, red, brown, black, blonde and brown -you name it -  developed a moon tan and generally stewed and became neurotic and weird.  And these days I am basically just down right phobic and scared of the beach.  I know.  Neurotic and weird, I hear you agree.  Neurotic and weird.

My phobic crazy beach disorder kind of goes like this.  Are you ready?

1.  I am pale, with a ruddy undertone to my skin, the sun burns the shit out of me if I walk outside to hang the washing out and if I spend the day in the sun then frankly I become pork crackling.  

This is me "sunbaking" on our honeymoon.  See? Moon tan.  Neurotic.  Weirdo.

2. I freaking hate the feeling of sand sticking to the sunscreen on your skin and I hate the feeling of putting clothes back on when you have sand and sunscreen and salt on your skin and it is all prickly and gross and URRURURURGHGHG I am FREAKING OUT JUST TYPING IT.  

3.  I hate public toilets at the beach, they never have toilet seats and the floor is always wet and sandy and God knows what and there's never hooks on the back of the door so your clothes get wet and OH GOD THE HORROR MY SKIN IS CRAWLING RIGHT NOW!  

4.  In a world that values hairless prepubescent female bodies I have been blessed with a thick pelt and that includes armpits, legs and the delicate BIKINI AREA and even my GODDAMN CHIN but that's another issue.  I am down with hairy armpits, I am all good, that's totally European and sexy and whatnot but I cannot come at hairy legs and so forth and frankly the upkeep to maintain a hair-free leg and pubical area is just too much for me and makes me want to have a good lie down right now.

5.  I am NOT THIN.

For so many reasons I endorse the Nigella burkini. [Source]

6.  I find the beach culture in Australia aggressive.  This was bad on the Sunshine Coast but oh fark it is worse on the Gold Coast.  Swaggering bronzed surfie types wearing thongs and no shirt, with their skinny girlfriends.  I feel like an alien near them.  Like they are so CONFIDENT and I can't help but feel like they have some SECRET KNOWLEDGE about being comfortable in your own skin even though you are a douchebag agro bogan and I can feel them all LOOKING AND JUDGING AND POINTING AND OH GOD THE HOOOOORRROOORR AGAIN (breathes into paper bag).

7.  SHARKS!!!!!!!!  My mum, who thinks I am an uptight wowser who should just chill out dude and go with the flow and calm the fuck down and enjoy myself, once tried to tell me there were no sharks in Hervey Bay/Woodgate Beach because it was protected by Fraser Island.  Nice try Mum, but I am pretty sure that is CYCLONES not SHARKS - I am ONTO YOU!!!!!!!

But I HATE MYSELF for being so ridiculous about the beach and always try and make myself go and end up practically on the floor of the car having a panic attack and shouting at my husband.

Our Argentinian neighbour M and her husband and kids spend every waking moment at the beach and they are brown as nuts.  When P was a baby and I was going slowly crazy as a loon, M used to say to me "Jost take herrrr to the beach!  All bebbies loff the beach!" and I wanted to scream, "Are you fucking out of your mind?! The beach with the sand and the sun and the waves and the bogans and the SHARKs and the OH MY GOD I AM LOSING MY SHIT AGAIN!!!!!!"

I decided today that it was all just stupid and even though the tent didn't work (M was screaming "WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS SO HARD!!?? FUCKKKKKK!". I know! Out of character) I remained CALM and sat peacefully watching the little kids do their surf board riding lessons and thought to myself "If that bunch of tubby kids can be ok with the beach then dammit so can I".  

I am thinking maybe I need to take surfing lessons.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?  Hmm.  I'll think about it.

Anyone else dislike the beach? Love it? Are you crazy as a motherfucker like me?


  1. I LOVE the beach. I can walk to it here in about 5 minutes, so me and the pup can scamper to our hearts content. I burn under a 20 watt bulb, so it's Factor 50 for me, but it's winter here at the moment. I find it very calming and beachy sunsets are gorgeous. I saw the latest 007 movie, but thought it was crap - except for Javier Bardem. Can't believe Daniel is early 40's - 50 if he's a day, surely? Glad you got out and about without a straitjacket! Always a sign of progress, in my eyes, though I notice they still keep mine hanging up in my wardrobe.

    1. Javier Bardem is the best. I know I am ridiculous about the beach, I like looking at it and having a drink though. Yes Daniel looking old as the hills. Liked the 007 movie because it was as.silly as I expected it to be. Silly as!

  2. I think we had almost the same weekend. I saw Skyfall on Thursday night and couldn't believe how well populated the cinema was. Thought the movie was okay; seemed more of a drama than an action film to me, but what would I know. Got angry with The Pharmacist for not being of titled Scottish descent with some amazing yet utterly decrepit family property out in the highlands somewhere.

    Also spent yesterday at a beach barbeque for which I decided to wear a cashmere cardigan, thick ponte dress and heels. I am insane. I too have problems with sun due to complexion restrictions and SAND is the MOTHER OF ALL EVIL. I had sand down my pants and in my hair and on my face yesterday and I was upright and seated in a chair the whole time. It is insidious.

    1. Sand down the pants is NO FUN FOR ANYONE! My mums family all worship the Beach God and I am.considered unnatural and freakish and generally annoying in that regard. M also would spend all day at the.beach.and.I am a sad disappointment.

  3. I feel your pain Sarah. We both hate the beach and go as little as possible. On those rare occasions we do go, it's only because I've forgotten how much I hate sand, sun,sweat, people with better bodies than me, and wind. Then when we get there I can't take my shirt off because I feel naked and not used to walking around in togs. I subsequently get an anxiety attack thinking everyone's staring at me and my white skin like I'm some kind of freak - which I am at the beach - so totally out of my comfort zone.

    1. Oh Cathy, who knew??? Sorry about all the swearing, I thought about leaving it out but then I reckon Shakespeare was pretty rude in his day and they study him at school so I went with it.

  4. Ok I'll admit it ..not really a beach lover either...its not the beach.... I dont like the sun anymore!

    Where I live on a hill above Coogee Beach, you can pick all the UK backpackers..they are lying in the sun,.. without a care in the world ..ha. waiting for the great Aussie Sunburn. In my teenage years we lay out there smothered in baby oil ..mad or what?

    If it's any consolation as you age you lose your body hair ..well some anyway! deja vu? have we discussed this before?

    Finally Im glad you and JJ had a great night out..I suppose even Logan looks good to a shut in .

  5. Oops I thought I had replied to you smr!
    Anyway, yes, Logan was happening! I am not kidding...
    Looking forward to the hairless years. I don't think we've talked about it before but I'm happy to.
    On Sunday there was a lady sleeping on a towel and she was red as a lobster. Awful. I should have woken her but didn't want to freak her out.

  6. Just catching up after a very busy week... I hate the beach too!! I told you that you were my long lost twin. Except I don't have a ruddy undertone to my pale skin - I have a sallow yellow one. I actually also hate public toilets and I have been feeling quite sweary for a week now. The three year old called something "Stupid" the other day and I was actually relieved that this was the "S" word she had chosen. Stellar parenting. I know.

    1. SS, I would take sallow over ruddy ANY DAY! P opts for Poo Poo or Dum Dum and has been talking trash to the other kids at kindy apparently. Sad face. I figure if I get all my swearing out on the blog I can keep it to together better when dealing with naughtiness.

  7. Also, has everyone realised the irony of my profile pic being of me and P at the beach?? Haha. I am fully clothed however.

  8. Hope to see you at Christmas up at the sunshine coast. I enjoy your blog regularly. I am a beach lover, but the sticky prickly thing with the sand and salt is spot on - made me shudder just reading it.

    1. Cousin C, I am looking forward to it so much! And Baby B will be able to meet his namesake Big Cousin B! And everyone else too of course! So funny that you read this. Ha ha!

    2. And Big Cousin B is really, really Big these days...


Vent your spleen! You know you want to.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...