This week has been noteworthy for subjecting me to a considerable number of ghastly and grotesque things. I mean more than normal. Of course as a mother my duties consist primarily of wiping arses, sweeping the floor, swishing out the toilet, scrubbing unidentifiable sticky crap off the floor and walls, wiping arses, wiping noses, and let's not forget wiping arses, but this week there was even more ickiness.
DISCLAIMER: I know there's more to it than that, and in between the arse wiping there's a whole lotta love and a modicum of "enjoying-the-journey" with a pinch of "being-grateful-for-the-small-stuff", and a dollop of "not-wishing-the-time-away", so don't get your knickers in a twist or panic or anything.
WARNING! PEOPLE WEAK OF STOMACH OR ILL OF HUMOUR OR GENTEEL OF MANNER PLEASE DO NOT READ ON!
1. Because I am a responsible citizen, I generally, if at all possible, tip any solid deposits from the baby's nappy into the toilet before disposing of said nappy in the bin. It's what all the cool mums are doing this season. It's the new black. Anyway I was trying to get a particularly, ahem, sticky one off the nappy and into the loo, and I must have been leaning too close to the bowl (can you see where this is going??) because when I finally gave a vigorous enough shake to dislodge it, it landed with a resounding splash. A positive tsunami of toilet water came right out of the bowl and whacked me in the face like a slap with a wet and decaying fish. I reeled back, shrieking in horror and rushed to cleanse the foul residue off my mouth and nose. All the rest of the day I kept having flashbacks. Nobody writes about this in the baby books. I am ALL ABOUT THE FACTS. People without babies, or parents-to-be, be warned - THIS HAPPENED AND IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU TOO!
2. Yesterday, I was reprimanding P for pulling all the clothes out of one of her drawers. I looked closer and saw what looked to me like a large gumnut sitting all gumnutty like in the aforementioned drawer. I picked it up in my soft bare hands.
"That looks like a weird gumnut," I thought, bringing it closer to my face "Really weird, it almost looks like...um..OH MY GAAWWWWWWDDDD!"
It was a lump of cat turd.
The horror. And I had lifted it up to my nose for a good identifying sniff. I am dry wretching just remembering it now. I sprinted out the laundry door and chucked it in the garden, sprinted back to the sink and gave an excellent impression of Lady Macbeth. After attempting to cleanse the drawer itself, I then had to spend another good many minutes of my precious time sniffing all the items of P's clothing to ascertain whether they had come into contact with the turd or not. My trusty nose told me to my dismay that many had indeed. Bloody long haired cats with the wispy bums and the trailing of the poo and the oy! Who knows how long it had been sitting in there? Who knows how many other cat turds are lurking in wait for me in other corners of the house?
3. The third and camel's-back-breaking gross-out incident was a trial run of sleep-time toilet training. Resulted in fifty million wee-soaked sheets and endless, endless washing, including a bag of soaking sheets from kindy that I forgot about and left to marinate to their full rancidity in the laundry. Suffice to say for the moment we are back in nappies at night. Well, P is anyway. I'd put a nappy on myself if it meant more sleep. But I digress.
Also, in unrelated news, I was listening to ABC radio and they were talking about the Frankenstorm again. The reporter was talking about all the destruction and so forth. Highlighting the devastation, he spoke in hushed tones and gave examples of locations that have been particularly effected. None drew more emotion from him than this (I'm not quoting him directly, this is the gist of what he said)...
"The whole row of casinos are all boarded up, and no one knows when they might be opened again."
Oh God noooo! The casinos! Won't somebody think of the casinos! Where will all the displaced storm victims gamble away their remaining worldly goods?
DISCLAIMER: I know there's more to it than that, and in between the arse wiping there's a whole lotta love and a modicum of "enjoying-the-journey" with a pinch of "being-grateful-for-the-small-stuff", and a dollop of "not-wishing-the-time-away", so don't get your knickers in a twist or panic or anything.
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| P enjoying the hell out of the journey and representing Cronulla-riot-style in an Aussie flag t-shirt. |
WARNING! PEOPLE WEAK OF STOMACH OR ILL OF HUMOUR OR GENTEEL OF MANNER PLEASE DO NOT READ ON!
1. Because I am a responsible citizen, I generally, if at all possible, tip any solid deposits from the baby's nappy into the toilet before disposing of said nappy in the bin. It's what all the cool mums are doing this season. It's the new black. Anyway I was trying to get a particularly, ahem, sticky one off the nappy and into the loo, and I must have been leaning too close to the bowl (can you see where this is going??) because when I finally gave a vigorous enough shake to dislodge it, it landed with a resounding splash. A positive tsunami of toilet water came right out of the bowl and whacked me in the face like a slap with a wet and decaying fish. I reeled back, shrieking in horror and rushed to cleanse the foul residue off my mouth and nose. All the rest of the day I kept having flashbacks. Nobody writes about this in the baby books. I am ALL ABOUT THE FACTS. People without babies, or parents-to-be, be warned - THIS HAPPENED AND IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU TOO!
2. Yesterday, I was reprimanding P for pulling all the clothes out of one of her drawers. I looked closer and saw what looked to me like a large gumnut sitting all gumnutty like in the aforementioned drawer. I picked it up in my soft bare hands.
"That looks like a weird gumnut," I thought, bringing it closer to my face "Really weird, it almost looks like...um..OH MY GAAWWWWWWDDDD!"
It was a lump of cat turd.
The horror. And I had lifted it up to my nose for a good identifying sniff. I am dry wretching just remembering it now. I sprinted out the laundry door and chucked it in the garden, sprinted back to the sink and gave an excellent impression of Lady Macbeth. After attempting to cleanse the drawer itself, I then had to spend another good many minutes of my precious time sniffing all the items of P's clothing to ascertain whether they had come into contact with the turd or not. My trusty nose told me to my dismay that many had indeed. Bloody long haired cats with the wispy bums and the trailing of the poo and the oy! Who knows how long it had been sitting in there? Who knows how many other cat turds are lurking in wait for me in other corners of the house?
3. The third and camel's-back-breaking gross-out incident was a trial run of sleep-time toilet training. Resulted in fifty million wee-soaked sheets and endless, endless washing, including a bag of soaking sheets from kindy that I forgot about and left to marinate to their full rancidity in the laundry. Suffice to say for the moment we are back in nappies at night. Well, P is anyway. I'd put a nappy on myself if it meant more sleep. But I digress.
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| Just some of the washing. I know, it's so interesting. I'm glad I wrote about it too. Won't be long til the Pulitzer Prize people are on the phone to me! |
Also, in unrelated news, I was listening to ABC radio and they were talking about the Frankenstorm again. The reporter was talking about all the destruction and so forth. Highlighting the devastation, he spoke in hushed tones and gave examples of locations that have been particularly effected. None drew more emotion from him than this (I'm not quoting him directly, this is the gist of what he said)...
"The whole row of casinos are all boarded up, and no one knows when they might be opened again."
Oh God noooo! The casinos! Won't somebody think of the casinos! Where will all the displaced storm victims gamble away their remaining worldly goods?
You are HILARIOUS.
ReplyDeleteI have no children, and don't think I ever will, but sympathise with the poo plight. Have never been covered in human excrement but have, on a number of occasions, been up close and personal with flying cow poo.
I am also never leaving my drawers open again.
Yes, the Frankenstorm - did it really justify a week of headline-leading coverage in Australia? Hmmm.
No, YOU are hilarious! Thank u for commenting Z...I love reading your blog. Yes, you must beware the sneaky cat poo and close your drawers!!
DeleteI feel your pain! I am the woman who leapt out of bed straight onto a freshly regurgitated (thus nice and squishy)hairball that was the size of a kitten. I shrieked and slipped simultaneously and crashed head first into the wall. Concussion and a hairy vomit slipper in one fell swoop. Like I need concussion on top of my obvious mental defects?
ReplyDeleteOh no! How awful. Hairballs are the bane of our existence too. So hideous.
Deleteoh yuck! bloody cats and i think the flasbacks are the worst.. hope they hace ceased and desisted.
ReplyDelete..
I gather you have a chrsitening on Sunday..hope it goes well..not sure wha know you know what I mean.
On Monday I start a new job ..Im a bit frightened I havent worked fulltime since April last year. I used to work for an MP who lost his seat in the NSW state election.Yes Im thinking of the money!
on an end note it's flea time here..we need some rain also in Sydney
Oh I hope your new job goes well. My permanent ft job was made redundant after the change of gov here too, am going back on a pt contract with them in a different position but it has all been most upsetting. Best of luck to you. Yes, christening Sunday it will be a v quiet affair so should be fine. Thanks for all your comments smr xx
Deletethanks for your best wishes, Sarah
Deletethat turd in the toilet backsplash into your face and your mouth was open and a drop got to the back of your throat OMG THE HORROR happened to me too.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the flashback.
Damn you.
Oh no I'm sorry to remind you. Just thinking about it again now makes me want to gargle with Dettol. Thank you for commenting Kelley I have loved finding your blog...I laugh, I cry, who can ask for more?
Delete