Sunday, February 17, 2013

How to mend a broken heart.

Ok, I'm willing to admit that sometimes the whole 'slapdash' thing works against me.  Thank god there are some perfectionists out there or I would totes do something stupid like send my wedding invitations out with the wrong date on them,  and then have a hardcore Bridezilla meltdown in the shower (that may have involved screaming obscenities and/or crying) when I realised.

Oh wait, I DID DO THAT!  [Hangs head in shame].

Anyway, developing this theme a little more, today was Baby B's small family birthday partay.

In the name of keeping things square for the siblings, I decided to do the same kind of thing that we did for P's first bday, and that included, (you know what I'm going to say right!?) a HEART SHAPED BIRTHDAY CAKE!

Booyah.

In the interests of keeping things easy, I made everyone else bring a plate, and bought Woolies croissants to serve.  Simple!  All I had to do was make the cake.  Which I've done a bazillion times at least.

The heart tin I have is ENORMO.  So I do the same basic melt and mix butter cake recipe I use for everything, and make three times the normal recipe.

So this means when I make the heart cake I need 6 eggs.  When I opened the carton last night, I discovered I only had 5 eggs.  Mum was there, so I said "Oh SHIT A BRICK I've only got 5 eggs.  Mum, 5 eggs will be enough won't it? I'm supposed to have 6".

Mum said, "Yeah, she'll be right mate, no worries, she's apples, just shove the 5 eggs in it'll be right", and then I said "Yeah, I mean it's chocolate cake so there'll be cocoa in it which will make it a bit dry but she'll be right, 5 eggs will be HEAPS!  Who needs 6 eggs? Pah to you recipe" and other things along those lines.

So I merrily made it with 5 eggs.  Everything was going swimmingly and I was having another glass of red wine as the cake cooled on the stove top, and then I had to turn it out of the tin.

And this shit happened.


Insert NYPD blue music here - "Duht duhht!"
When it cracked I went through the seven stages of grieving, like you do when your heart is broken.

Shock - "What the FUCK is happening! I can't believe it, I have made this a million times! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING PEOPLE!"

Denial - "It's fine, it's just a small crack, no-one can see it, it's a perfect masterpiece flawless cake, yes, yes, yes it is....nice little cake, good cake..."

Anger - "Goddammn this thing it is RUINED and I am THROWING IT IN THE BIN AND BUYING ONE FROM WOOLIES, I am not kidding, I am losing it, it is going in the bin RIGHT NOW GAHHHHHHH!!!!"

Bargaining - "Come on little cakie wakie, I'm sorry I was so angry, I didn't mean it, we can make it work, please...!!""

Guilt - "Poor Baby B, I bought all the other shit for his party from crappy Woolies, I just wanted to make ONE PERFECT HOMEMADE THING FOR HIM AND NOW HIS WHOLE LIFE IS RUINED FOREVER AND HE WILL BE SCARRED FOR LIFE!!"

Depression - "I am such a crap mother, I can't cook to save myself, who am I, where am I, someone pour me a glass of woine, I'm having a moment..."

Acceptance and hope - "You know what! I think I can do it! Yes! It's working! Look everybody I AM KING OF ALL OF THE CAKES AND THE WHOLE WORLD AND EVERYTHING!!!!! SUCK THAT MARTHA STEWART!! BOOYAH!!"


Anyway, at some point during this whole rollercoaster of emotion I posted this pic on Instagram (yeah for social media!) and everyone said "Just glue that bitch together with icing, nobody will notice, ain't nobody got time for dat!" and so forth, so I didn't completely freak out til this morning when I realised we HAD NO ICING SUGAR.

"Duht duhht".

This slapdash gig sometimes comes at a price people.  My life is my art.

Anyway, before I had time to replicate my Bridezilla moment in the shower, Mum rushed off to the servo and came back with icing sugar out the whazoo, and I successfully glued the SHIT out of that broken heart until it looked like this.


Pheeeew!
Anyway after that I was exhausted and could have done with a lie down, but the show had to go on and actually we had a lovely time and Baby B was his usual chuckly self, so that's the main thing.







Ever had a cake fail? Ever saved a cake from the bin with mad icing skillz?  Had a broken heart?  Tell your old friend Slapsie...I won't judge.  Believe me.

44 comments:

  1. Love it Sarah! I ended up buying 2 sponges for J's fire engine cake after a melt down over the fire engine pink/red colour that painted the original cake (I used colouring instead of gel - silly me). Anyway- yet another brilliant example of slapdashery. Of course, the other option for you was to do some photo shop on the cake - your one year olds not going to remember if the heart was a little broken- You know my thoughts on photo shop? If you look at the 6 pies in the picture of my last post- one of them had a fly on it in the picture! Sure, I could have made 6 more pies.... but instead, I used that magical brush that made the fly disappear x P.S. I gave that pie away!

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    1. Oh my god why haven't I thought if this! Genius H, just genius.

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  2. Again, HILARIOUS!!! That cake looks divine btw, I wanted to bake a cake for A's bday tomorrow but I was too tired (from what I have no idea) :(

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    1. R is that you? B still has bad cough, might have to stay home tomoz, will let you know x

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    2. Yes, tis me! Oh no, poor bubba :( Stay home and look after him! :) Yes FB me, although I'll probably find out somehow now that I'm in your committee! :D I'm not sure if you've heard yet as it happened on Thurs/Fri. I was so looking forward to seeing you tomorrow!

      Ps. I love reading your blog, it really is one of, if not *the*, funniest blog on the web ;) xx

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    3. What!!!??? Send me a message...

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  3. Love - the only reason I haven't had a cake fail is my sister in law from heaven. You've seen her work. She is a freaking genius and when I rang her on the occasion of S's 5th birthday having a similar moment she was all calm and collected and said the same thing. Glue that fucker together with icing. So, sound advice. She then made The Octonauts out of whatever magic icing she uses and he was the happiest little boy in the world. B's cake looked beautiful and you make me laugh. xx

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    1. Icing cement is the.bomb. Your sil has the best icing cake making skillz ever. you lucky duck xxxx

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  4. It looks good to me. I wouldn't mind having a slice with a cup of tea right now :)

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    1. I've eaten an ungodly amount of it Rachel. Urgh..

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  5. I don't think I've ever even made a cake! But trust me, I've had enough non-baking fuck-ups in my life to make up for it!! Great rescue job!

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    1. Oh Sulky I cannot imagine you fucking up. Doesn't a cat always fall on its feet??

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  6. For P2s 2nd birthday I was forced to turn a dolly varden cake into a volcano. The moral is when your cake is a disaster make it look like you planned it that way.

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    1. Holy moly there is no way I would even attempt a Dolly Varden cake. I know my limits Brenda! I am impressed you even tried!!!

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  7. Oh my goodness you must have been freaking out. I have had multiple cake disasters for my teddy bears picnic birthday party. You may have forgotten... I think the children finally ate the cakes that were from plan d after three very poor attempts. These things always happen when it counts!! K xxoo

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    1. Oh yes I forgot the teddy bear picnic cake dramas! Oh dear....a comedy of errors!

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  8. A beautifully mended heart. You did a great job :) Thanks for the giggle.

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  9. This is why I buy cakes from the shop!! Looks great well done!!

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    1. A good policy I think!! Less room for error!

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  10. Your cake is brilliant. We had a broken oven for birthday season last year, and I had to buy a Woollies Cake for The Gentleman. Turns out, everyone likes Woollies cakes and no one called DOCS!
    Winning!
    xx

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    1. Perfect! Mrs BC it was your IG enthusiasm that got me through haha

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  11. Brilliant save, and good on Mum for whipping down the servo! Cake looks blimin' good, I wouldn't have known, and no one would of.

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  12. That cake looks so delicious!
    I'm not crash hot at cakes but I do try. I make all my kids birthday cakes. I try my best but they're always a bit meh.

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    1. I'm sure they aren't meh! Cake is cake after all...:-)

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  13. Great saving! You wouldnt even know! nice work

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  14. Love the cake Sarah. "Keep calm and jam it with icing". I need to apply that to all panics of a day (and not just the kitchen variety panics - maybe even at work too!). I am v impressed with your bakey bakerson skills. I imagine you sashaying around le kitchen with cute apron and ballet flats humming away. xx

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    1. Um....actually K it is a bit more like wearing an old tattered and stained nightie, no bra and shoe less. And crazy hair.

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  15. I assure you I would love even a cracked heart cake!

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  16. Ah thank goodness for icing, it saved the day! Though I did have a giggle at your broken heart. I have a bad track record when it comes to turning out cakes - half of them stays in the tin. Yep. I'm so cool like that!

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    1. Oh no Janet! Probably that will happen to me next time. That would be a definite trip to the shop I reckon!!

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  17. pmsl! good save! looks fantastic and you can't even tell it's shattered inside! if only we could glue our real hearts back together when they broke!

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    1. Yes wouldn't it be good! Although I eat lots of sweet things when feeling down, is that the same thing??

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  18. No wonder you were exhausted after that hissy ...darling never ever triple a recipe..well you know that now and dont need a smarty pants like me telling you

    Wrong date on your wedding invites you're one of a kind ..thank God for that and that's why we love you

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  19. smr I've done it a million times before! It always went alright...now I've lost my confidence with the multiplying recipe factor!! Ha!

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  20. I've only just recently found your blog (meaning yesterday) and I have to say I am in LOVE with you already. This is exactly me all over for my sons first birthday cake. I cooked it fantastically it was a piece of art and then I took the icing to it and it looks like a blue monster had thrown up all over it instead of being a nice smooth blue masterpiece. I cried, threw things, swore... And hubby fixed it for me!

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    1. Haha! THanks for commenting Rachel. Yes, the cake can be stressful. Why do we do it to ourselves??

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  21. Replies
    1. You are too kind oh Party Planning Goddess...x

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Vent your spleen! You know you want to.

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