Election roundup - a bit late

Oops I missed this going up! Anyway here is my take on Election 2013. In case you were wondering.

The Shake Report - CLICK TO READ

May you live in interesting times.

And don't we just! Live in interesting times, that is.

It's been an eventful week or so.

Last week I was told I was moving to a different team at work, and on the same day I accidentally went to a Trivia Night with Mother Down Under, Housewife in Heels and Faux Fuchsia. The next day I had a post published on Mama Mia, was a bit OVERWHELMED by the broohaha in the comments on said post, had a social media break over the election weekend, voted, watched the votes roll in, and recovered from a weird sinus infection.

I had organised to have today and tomorrow off work for some ME TIME and of course what happened? Baby B has come down with some foul lurgy and is feverish and sad. So no chillaxing for mummy.

Anyway my first foray into being published in the MAINSTREAM MEDIA MAN was a bit freaky, I sent them that post I wrote about going to the movies with P and having an impromptu beauty pageant up the front. It caused some people to lose their proverbial marbles and write some unpleasant things, or just generally disagree with me. Which made me feel EWKY but I decided not to read the comments because meh. I mean,  I was just writing about a thing wot happened and some stuff wot I thought about it. No biggie. Once I got over the shock of the reaction I decided it was very exciting to be published and that was that. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, if you will.

I'm thinking of writing a non-controversial piece next time. You know, like maybe about how paedophiles should be neutered or how all citizens should have the right to bear arms. Or bare arms. Even tuckshop lady ones.

I don't want to UPSET anyone! GOD NO!

*Makes farting sounds*

Anyway, how about that election, eh? I for one welcome our new Red Speedo clad overlord, and would like to remind Brother Abbott  that as a trusted blogging personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in his underground sugar caves.

What to wear on election day.

Confused about what ensemble to adopt on the big day? No, I don't mean your WEDDING day, I mean the election day, duhhhhhh.

Worry no more. Just read my helpful tips and be AMAZED!

CLICK HERE FOR ELECTORALLY THEMED SARTORIAL ADVICE!

The Slapdash Report - Fashion Edition!

Today's report is brought to you by Kylie Mole and Miranda Kerr's neck brace.

Because it's fashion week here at Slapdash Mama I'm broadening the net even wider to encompass some fashion world news as well as my usual in-depth current affairs coverage!

• According to the latest polls, Tony Abbott is preferred PM again.  Oh no, hang on, it's Julia Gillard again. Oops! Now it's Tony again - no, hang on, it's Julia! Tony! Julia! Tony! OMG. Lucky we only have 6 more months to go.  SO ACCURATE! Gah! Stop the polls I wanna get OFF!

• A group of high spirited and enthusiastic members of the public disrupted proceedings during Federal Parliament this week.  It was hard to make out but I've been lead to believe they were shouting words of encouragement to the Prime Minister. I'm no lip reader but I'm pretty sure they were saying something like "Julia Gillard we support you in your ROLE!" or "Julia Gillard you are funnier than Kylie MOLE!" It's just so fantastic to see people taking an active interest in our noble parliamentary democracy!

Got this from Tumblr. Don't know where it's from originally. Please don't sue me.

• Miranda Kerr had a car accident and is wearing a neck brace.  Everyone remain calm.  She's going to be OK.  Also, she still looks hot.  I know. Phew. Told you I would include fashion news! 

• The House of Representatives has passed the National Disability Insurance Scheme Legislation. Still has to go to the Senate.  It will mean we have a social insurance system for assisting people with a disability and their carers that all taxpayers contribute to. 

• There's trouble afoot in the Australian cricket team (look, I try to care about sporting issues).  Some blonde guy called Michael Clarke who is apparently the captain asked some other players to fill out their client service feedback forms and they said "Um, NUH!" and he became enraged and they got in t-ROUBLE and some other blonde guy called Shane Warne I mean Watson (why are they ALL CALLED SHANE?) chucked a mental and went home to his lady. Pretty sure that's accurate.

• Sigh, urgh, more SPORT drama.  The Cronulla Sharks have been having calf blood injected into their faces in a sort of new youth giving facial treatment.  Or was that Kim Kardashian? God knows.

• In a break from tradition, the Catholic Church has elected a gay black woman with 5 kids as the next Pope!  (I've written this part of the report in advance and just went with the MOST LIKELY scenario to be on the safe side!!)

There you go chaps, a little from column A, a little from column B. It's been a big week policy wise but I've only got so much space and time. I'm a busy and important woman, people! Time is money! And so forth.

Oh, I've gotten a bit sick of the OOTD stuff. But I haven't given up totally.

Here's a picture of me in my yoga outfit from last night.

Earth mother. Excuse the pot belly. I am not actually 5 months pregnant, I just ate a big bowl of spaghetti and drank a glass of wine. What, isn't that what everyone does before their evening yoga class?

Check it. Tree pose. I think. Maybe I should do a yoga video?

Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Like, exercise or go to the beach. Actually, ignore that. Do EVERYTHING I wouldn't do.

xx

The Slapdash Report, The (Swim) Brief Edition.

As predicted I am already running out of ways to make my Slapdash "A Current Affair" Report amusing.  Did you watch Shaun Micallef the other night? Another bastard stealing all my ideas.  Trust me, I had an absolutely hilarious Report prepared but he used all my jokes. I am not lying*. Some people are just so damned uncreative. If you want to see all my brilliant ideas, go here. I have sent him a terse email from my lawyer**.

In order to squeeze some mileage out of my tired old concept this week, I've decided to write the Slapdash Report from the perspective of Tony Abbott's budgie smugglers.

My other reports are available here.

[Source] Courier Mail. Leader of the Opposition Tony Abbott putting all us ordinary sloths to shame yet again. Doesn't he realise his fellow Australians are all obese junk food addicts who hate athletic over achievers? Who is his media adviser I'd like to know!?

Dear diary,

Woke up early this morning when Tony stuffed me into his exercise bag along with his musty old towel and running shoes. Sometimes I don't feel like this is a relationship of equals.  He treats me roughly and I just have to support him without question, physically and emotionally.  I want to leave, but I just can't. I adore the man. Nobody wears me better.  

 He was in a foul mood, probably because that red headed harlot Julia Gillard had announced she was going to spend a week in Western Sydney sucking up to bogans, when he had totally had the idea first.  He was angry with me for discouraging him when he first canvassed the concept, but it's not my fault I prefer the idea of a dip at Balmoral Beach to endless laps in the local murky Western Suburbs municipal pool.   

His temper was only made worse by those fools he calls colleagues when they squabbled once again about the refugee visa issue. I wish they understood how much they upset Tony when they fight, and then it's me who suffers when he's so distracted that he forgets to rinse me out in the laundry sink and I go mouldy.

Anyway, dear diary, I'd better go, Tony's shouting at me again. Oh God, what is it now? I'm exhausted from our session this morning, I can't handle another workout of angry swim/jogging.  Don't tell me someone's mentioned his "women problem" again. I wish those shrill feminists would just shut UP and leave the poor man alone.  Anyone who loves watching Downton Abbey with his daughters is obviously totally down with all that equal rights stuff.

Ever yours,

B. "Speedo" Smuggler

There you go guys, out of the mouth of babes togs.

Until next time.

Your faithful servant,

Slapdash Mama.


*I am actually lying. I do that sometimes. I know, despicable.
**Lying again. Practically pathological, really!

The really, really, really Slapdash report.

This is an update from the front line.

I am reporting a really bloody sick baby, a toddler with a black eye, constant rain and an AWOL cleaning lady.  This has resulted in dangerously high levels of unwashed laundry, dangerously low levels of sleep and a correspondingly low level of engagement with the outside world, rendering the Slapdash Report even more inaccurate and dangerously  anecdotal than ever before.

Your trusty reporter snuggling said sick baby.

There's casualties left, right and centre, citizens.

For my previous reports go here.

Anyway. I promised to deliver every Friday so here it is. Nobody can say I'm unreliable.  The news waits for no stressed out mummy.

-  Australian swimming team have been taking Stillnox and exhibiting dodgy behaviour.  Drugs in sport, eh? How novel. Tut tut.

-  The Greens party have got the huff with the Labour government in a big way over the mining tax not bringing in as much dough as they promised. So the Greens won't sit with Labour at Little Lunch any more and are hanging out in the school library. Or something.

-  Gillard is cross with the states about how they spend their health budgets.  So she's threatening to cut off their pocket money.  But this is deadset NOT blame shifting.  Nope. Not at all.

-  Everyone watches My Kitchen Rules except me. So out of touch.

-  Something something blah blah leadership debate Labour party Julia Gillard and Kevin Rudd.

Can't be bothered thinking of anything else.

Today started off ok when I dragged the sick baby out with me to P's new dancing lessons but has progressively degenerated.  I woke up this morning and said "I'm thinking of going a month without sugar!", and by the end of the day I'd had a trip to the doctor, the pharmacist, watched the baby vomit up his whole dinner plus a whole tummy full of snotty mucus and then try and eat it again like a dog, and I'd eaten a whole packet of these little bastards.

Red frogs, for the uneducated amongst you.

Exhausting to the max.

I'm in the freaking trenches over here people and it ain't pretty.  It's like an episode of MASH but without the comic relief of Radar's teddy bear and Klinger's frocks. Just helicopters full of dead soldiers.

OK maybe not that bad. But still bad.

Over and out.

Valentines Day. The Slapdash Report - Vol. 2

True to form, I'm exhausted, so I'll make this as brief as humanly possible.

Baby B, the birthday boy himself, has a horrible croupy type cold thing and is (uncharacteristically) causing us no end of sleeplessness.

Anyway, in case you hadn't heard it was Valentine Day yesterday.  Instagram was awash with champagne, red hearts, chocolate, and red roses out the whazoo.  Even I was getting a bit sick of it, and I am a veritable diehard fan of V Day.

I have however brought shame upon myself and my family (although maybe not, actually, seeing as how we are all pretty half arsed and lazy, see my mother's post for details).

I woke up this morning (after a hell of a night with the sick bub) to discover M had bought me a facial voucher from ye olde Ella Bache, along with a cute card with a heartfelt message of love inside it.  Adorbs.

M, however, woke up this morning (after a hell of a night with the sick bub) to discover that I had bought him....nothing.  I know, I totally suck.  I am usually awesome and excellent at making things festive.  I've lost my mojo briefly.  I blame my return to work.  It is taking up important ME TIME.  How very dare it!?

It's all particularly sad and/or amusing, depending on how one might view it, because when I went down to Ella Bache to get the ole eyebrows waxed on Saturday, I had forgotten that I was supposed to have my free facial as well.  Because I couldn't stay, I had to forfeit it.  This pained me greatly.  The ladies were sympathetic and said things like "Oh well, it's Valentines Day this week, you never know your luck!!!".  I scoffed and pooh poohed the idea that M would think to purchase such a treat.  When I got home, I lost no time telling him how the ladies and I had discussed the likelihood of his gifting me in this way and all concluded it was out of the question.

I was proven wrong to my eternal shame.

Luckily I ducked out, dragging the sprogs along, to our local discount alcohol dispensing barn and bought some fancy champers.  M is an understanding fellow.

So, on to the election recap, edition 2.

I've already lost energy re: the election campaign so I'm casting my small and be-holed net a little wider to encapsulate current affairs more generally. Cop out? Yes! Care factor? Nil!

Here's the latest dot points I've shoved together in my inimitable fashion.  You saw it here, um, LAST probably!

- Our leader Joolz and her posse have announced a sort of vague flexible working for parents policy.  I think they're trying to make it so that all parents have the right to request part time work and so forth.  I also have the general vibe that they're thinking of extending this to peeps getting towards retirement age too.

-  The other Joolz, Julie Bishop, noted progressive and radical thinker, responded to the flexible working whatnot by letting us all know ladies can't have it all.  This pissed off some ladies.  I can't imagine why. I totally agree.   I want a ferrari, champagne on tap and a man-slave, but nobody's coughing up.  Is that what's she's talking about? No?  Oh well then, my apologies...

- It's all come out that our sacred Gods of the footy field have been Lance Armstrong-ing it up, druggy growth hormone supplement style.  Whatever.  I couldn't care less but I suppose we have to THINK OF THE KIDS! Won't someone think of the KIDS!?!  Joolz told all the clubs to come forward and spill the beans.  Don't know if they have yet, Google it peeps if you care enough.  I think everyone should just take growth hormones, you know, to even out the playing field and create a race of SUPER HUMAN FOOTBALL MACHINES!  Why not?

They totally are. [Source]

And there ends the Slapdash Report for this week!  Think I missed something important? Probably!  Inaccurate and sloppy? Definitely!

Stay tuned for further updates next week!


Linking up for....

The Slapdash Report: Election 2013 edition.

DISCLAIMER: This report is TOTALLY BIPARTISAN and APOLITICAL.

It's got bipartisan-ship and apolitical-ness-ism coming out the whazoo!!

SECOND DISCLAIMER: Some broad called Corinne Grant wrote this article in the Hoopla today, somewhat taking the wind out of my proverbial sails.  But I will carry on nobly, even though bitch stole my story.  I mean who is she anyway? Some nobody*.

Having this blog means that I can now live out my lifelong dream of becoming a famous and highly regarded election commentator and political analyst.  I've waited years to show up that cocky Antony Green character and now's my chance.  I don't know about you, but whenever he's on the telly, I have to fight back an overwhelming desire to shout things at him like "Would it KILL you to make a prediction Antony?! Take a risk!!!" and "Obviously the figures aren't in yet you dork!" and even "Damn your graphics to hell Antony why don't they EVER WORK!?!".

So move over dude, the Slapdash Report is here to tell it like it is.

I'm just going to apply my mad skillz at synopsis writing (as previously displayed here and here) to the cut and thrust of the political world, and make it accessible to the man on the street. Because there's a NICHE for this shizz, peeps, and I am exploiting it like there's no tomorrow. I'm taking my inspiration from everyone's favourite finance presenter Alan Kohler and his amusing graphs and chatty manner - he makes economics fun!  Oh clever me! No-one would ever have thought to write  and/or present an amusing synopsis of the week’s political events for the entertainment of others**. What a breath of fresh air I am.   That Walkley Award gets closer every day. 

So now for the weekly synopsis.

WARNING: This synopsis contains NOTHING MUCH.  Turns out I don't know anything about what the frig is going down policy wise. My bad. You'll just have to Google that shit this week.

• Tony Abbott didn't get the memo that Aboriginal people lived in Australia for a teensy while before Europeans turned up.

• Craig Thomson's faced court for a gazillion different fraud charges that all basically boil down to using the work credit card to pay for prossies and porn.  He denies it. Some peeps want him to resign from parliament.  He says hell no, he won't go.  To be continued...

• Nicola Roxon and Chris Evans, old stalwarts from Joolz' cabinet, have resigned.  High spirited scamp and renowned humourist Chris Pyne reckons it's starting to look like the last days of Hitler's government .  Nic and Chris say it's just that they are fucking tired of never seeing their kids.  Whatever.

• This has meant Joolz had to shuffle the cabinet around like a deck of cards (hey I bet nobody's used that analogy before!). 

• The latest poll showed the ALP are doing way worse than the last poll.  But then someone pointed out hardly anyone voted in the poll 'cos they were all battling fires and floods and famine and pestilence.  Make of that what you will.

• Federal Parliament had it's first sitting week of the year.  I know, how did you all miss that one!  I for one have been glued to the radio listening to Question Time like there's no tomorrow. I know how to enjoy myself.

• Some chancy buggers put a whole lot of bets on that the election would be called for September.  Wish I'd thought of it.  Nothing ever works out for me. Sob.

Some other shizz undoubtedly went down but I'm running out of steam so -  there's my first edition of the Slapdash Report aka the SPEED BLOGGER'S GUIDE TO POLITICS all finished.

Disappointed?  Enraged?  Feel it was lacking in depth and policy analysis? Me too!  I'll try harder next time.

Maybe.

*OK, I'm kidding.   Corinne Grant is obviously a super funny lady with plenty of political nous and a lot of cred.  And I am not.  Carry on.  Read her story though it is good.

**Editor’s note: Please don’t tell Sarah about the Daily Show, the Colbert Report, The Chaser, even that “brilliant” example of political satire “Pineapple Politics” in the Courier Mail, or actual excellent current affairs inspired blog The Tunnel Presents (or any other of the million examples of this genre).  She will totally lose it. And I’m a bit scared of her. Last week she threw her mobile phone at me when I told her there was an American blog already called “Slap Dash Mom”, and then she burst into hysterical tears until I placated her by firing some interns.  Let’s just keep this to ourselves, for my sake, please?

Party Planning.

Went for a walk this morning, and you know what it made me think of? Why, it was just like hiking around the Swiss alps! So INVIGORATING and BRISK! I felt so energised and full of vim and vigour after that, just like I was in a Norsca ad! I simply love to get my alpine on at any given opportunity.*

Summer in Queensland. You are a cruel mistress. I think I hate you. Come back winter, I'm sorry I was nasty. I'll never complain about being cold ever again.**

P dressed herself in a corduroy skirt and cardigan this morning. I know, I think I started schvitzing like a shmendrek just looking at her.  Whatever that means.

In other ACTUAL news, I hear that our glorious leader Julia's called a federal election for September. Interesting times.

I love a good election. Lots of people are speculating as to why old Joolz has given us all such a huge lead in time.  Well, it's obvious you dummies! This unusually extended campaigning period will give us all plenty of time to plan associated election parties, a la Don's Party. Frankly the last election (which was a state one anyway) was a fizzer socially and I for one am determined to improve things this year.  It was damned considerate of the PM to think about the most important part of the whole voting caper, the booze up afterwards.  Good work Julia.

The election party to end all election parties was undoubtedly the one we attended for the federal election in 2007. Without declaring my hand, politically speaking,  we were all very excited that year for some reason. Anyway, it was at my friend J's house. She was the hostess with the mostess. 

We all dressed in electorally themed costumes. There was a Pork Barrel, an Aspirational Voter, a Blue Ribbon Liberal, a Trade Unionist, a Blue Collar Worker and Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard and Peter Garrett even put in appearances!

We played an amusing drinking game with colour coordinated shots. Blue for Libs, Red for Labor, Green for, well, the Greens.

There may have been a mullet wig that did the rounds as well.

It was so much fun.

I don't know if it can be topped but we should try. Although it might be more of a wake than a celebration. Just saying.

Save the date dudes.

EDITED TO ADD: Tune in every Friday for my Slapdash Election 2013 Recap.  Can't be bothered reading the paper? Too depressed by the news?  Disengaged, confused, bored, indifferent, downright APATHETIC?  Fear not my Slapdash Army.  Let me tell you what to think.

TRUST ME!


*Am using that old faithful literary technique IRONY again. As is my wont.

**We all know I'm lying here. Don't tell Old Man Winter though, I need to get into his good books.