Workin' and commutin'

Hi everyone. Thanks for your nice comments on this post about my little girl P. I'm hoping all is behind us, so I can focus on the TRULY BIG ISSUES OF THE DAY. LIKE THIS!

Sigh. My life is so hard. I don't know if you guys know this about me, but I am not independently wealthy and I have to...I know, I can hardly say it...WORK for a living.

I KNOW.  The horror. The outrage. SURELY THERE HAS BEEN SOME MISTAKE???

Where is my tennis court? My swimming pool? Further to that, where is my Swimming Pool Boy? How come I don't get to spend all day sipping Pimms and reading on the banana lounge?

It's a cruel twist of fate that I have ended up this way.

Yeah yeah I know there are starving kids in Africa and unemployed types round the place but STILL. WORKING FOR THE MAN HEY? WHO INVENTED THAT?

Not. Fair.

Ugh I mean I know I am freaking lucky to have a job. And yeah it's two days a week and has flexible working hours and is paid well and matches my qualifications perfectly. Yeah yeah so what?

I AM STILL GOING TO MOAN ABOUT IT OK?

BOO HOO! WAAAH!

I can't seem to focus at work at the moment. M and I are ALWAYS LATE.  I have a really long commute and I EFFING HATE IT.

I've been doing this gold darn commute for bleedin' years and years and I've felt the whole time that it was a temporary thing. BUT IT ISN'T! UGH. Thank goodness it is only two days a week - any more and it would KILL ME. KILL ME I TELL YOU!

I have a carpark at work so these days I drive. For some ridiculous reason I have NEVER, like NEVER been organized enough to get my hands on any books on tape for the drive. I have friends and acquaintances who do a similar commute and are making their way through the Modern Classics at a rate of knots. I am just killing my brain with commercial radio. Dumber by the kilometre. If that's possible.

I have experimented with other modes of transport over the years. I used to catch the train quite a bit but it's such a rigmarole. Queensland is not know for its commitment to public transport. UNDERSTATEMENT. To get to the train station I have to drive 10 minutes. Then wait for the train. Then catch the train which takes over an hour. Then walk over the river from the train station which takes another 15 minutes. I NEED A SHOWER AND A LIE DOWN AND A SECOND BREAKFAST AFTER THAT I CAN TELL YOU!  Generally speaking I prefer to be stuck in traffic in my own car than at the mercy of Queensland Rail. Particularly with a full bladder. And 90% chance that the train loo will be broken. And the train station one too. OH GOD THE AGONY.

Also the high probability of being trapped in the carriage with a group of teenagers talking about BOYS and OTHER GIRLS and MUSIC is even worse than the pain of the full bladder. Oh give me a full bladder any day. Anything rather than suffer through the interminable and dimwitted convos of the youth of today.

The train trip was made slightly more palatable once I got my first Ipod. It was quite the thing! It didn't matter what shite the Young People spouted I was able to exist in my own bubble. And don't give me that "Oh back in my day we all used to talk to each other and have singalongs and play cards together on the train and knit each other sweaters and share Christmas Pudding together" because I'm Not Buying It. 

I have to say though that the Ipod situ did end in tears once though. This would only happen to me.

One morning I couldn't find my headphones so I stole M's new fancy ones. They were that type that you sit right into your ear canal. Noise canceling ear hook thingos or some such.

I tried them on at home and they were a bit fiddly. I had to twist and jiggle them to get them in right but I did it eventually. Pleased with my find I shoved them in the bag and headed to the train.

Once I got on I found a spot and sat down, grabbing my ear phones and shoving them in. They felt uncomfortable and like they weren't in properly, so I kept gently twisting them every now and then, until they seemed to be in position.
 I sat for while, gazing blankly out the window, ignoring the awkward fact my knees were gently touching those of the man facing me, until I felt a weird movement and realized the ear phone had fallen out of one ear and was hanging free.

But hang on! I could still feel something inside my ear? I had a bad feeling about it all.  I gingerly put my finger into my ear and BINGO! The ear bud had come away and lodged itself firmly in my ear canal!

I panicked. But only on the inside. Because EMBARRASSING! I looked furtively around to see if anyone was watching, and gently probed my passage again (what? get your mind out of the gutter).  Nothing doing. Panicked, I poked harder, which only served to shove it in further.

OH GOD NO I thought, panickedly. SHIT SHIT SHIT! It's going to end up lodging in my SINUS! Or my BRAIN! I CAN'T FEEL IT ANY MORE. WHERE HAS IT GONE?? STOP TOUCHING IT! STOP POKING IT! STOP IT STOP IT!

I restrained myself and put my hands in my lap. Shit a brick. There was another 40 minutes of the trip to go and I was stuck there on the train with an ear bud pushed half way into my brains. What the HELL WAS I GOING TO DO?

I tried to formulate a plan. I was SCREAMING ON THE INSIDE but remained poker faced. You would never have known my inner turmoil.

OK. When I get to the train station I am going to RUN ALL THE WAY TO WORK and then get one of the security guards to help pull it out.  NO! NO! Shit! I can't do that. The security guards are my NEMESES and I can't let them see my WEAKNESS! I will never hear the end of it. They will taunt me forever and dob me in for accidentally stealing a Visitors Pass. They already hate me DON'T GIVE THEM ANY FODDER! Should I ring M? Shit he can't help. Should I pull the emergency cord? Yes! I think I should. OK I'M GOING TO GET UP AND PULL THE CORD! OMG THIS IS TOTALLY AN EMERGENCY! I AM TOTALLY GOING TO DO THIS. IF THIS ISN'T AN EMERGENCY I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS!!

OK. OK. Hang on. Hang on. No it isn't. Calm down CALM DOWN! OK.

This is what you will do. You will get off at Central. You will WALK QUICKLY TO THE NEAREST MEDICAL CENTRE. And they will extract the ear bud. And you will then proceed to work and nobody will be any the wiser.

OK. So I did just that. The 40 minutes felt like 10 hours. Finally I got off at central and bolted to the nearest medical centre, as per the plan.

I came panting up to the receptionist.

"Please!" I gasped, disheveled and wild eyed. "Please, I need to see a doctor. NOW! IT IS AN EMERGENCY! I HAVE AN EAR PHONE STUCK IN MY HEAD!"

The girl rolled her eyes.

"There are no appointments available. You will have to go down to our sister medical centre, on A___ St."

Just my luck. I turned and ran like the wind to the other medical centre, and repeated my panicked plea for assistance.  As luck would have it, a kindly GP saw me straight away, and extracted the offending ear bud with a set of long thin tweezers. And he managed to keep a straight face.

"Oh THANK YOU!" I gushed afterwards. "OH, hahaha, oh dear I suppose this sort of thing happens ALL THE TIME! RIGHT? Doesn't it? AM I RIGHT? I'm right aren't I? All the TIME RIGHT?"

He looked at me pityingly. I hurriedly paid the receptionist and high tailed it out of there, arriving at work without a moment to spare.  The only thing I comforted myself with was the knowledge that my quick thinking had saved me from a lifetime of disgrace and humiliation at the hands of our sadistic and slow witted security guards, had I let them in on the secret.

Anyway this is a cautionary tale. If you are a meddling idiot, you know, like me, do not use those weird sticky inny ear phones. Because SHAME AND HUMILITION WILL BE YOUR DESTINY. MARK MY WORDS.

The end.