A big year.

Hi!
Well, I made it. School holidays FOR THE WIN as they say.  Now I remember why I did teaching. I kid, I kid. I just re-read the last post I wrote and BY JOVE it was a bit NEGATIVE.

Despite all the rage I ended up really enjoying my time at the school.  It was hard, by God it was hard, but it was totally worth it.  Highlights included the Year 12 formal (I know! Hilarious!), the absolutely amazingly awesome other teachers in my staff room, new friends, some fabulous kids.  I will miss it.  Even the kids who hated me. I feel sorry for them because obviously I am the hippest and funnest teacher evah and they never even realised it.  POOR THEM I SAY!

Anyway, I cannot WAIT to start my new job. I will be in charge of the school library and will also have two classes to teach (Year 11 and Year 8 English).  It is LITERALLY (and I DON'T MEAN THIS FIGURATIVELY) my dream job. Not that I'm not freaking out about all the work and responsibility and shizz but I am so happy to have something so wonderful.

In interesting developments, we have also decided to pool our meagre financial resources in with my ole Dad's and buy a big house together with a granny flat or some such arrangement for him.  A glamorous granny flat.  This is also very exciting and I hope I can blog about our journey on the way.  Because goodness knows I am ALL ABOUT THE JOURNEY PEOPLE #grateful #journeythingo #somethingsomething

2016 is the year I remember I want to be a writer, the year I start cooking again, the year I start exercise and the year I kick arse Teacher Librarian style.  Not that I am one for setting up BIG NEW YEAR EXPECTATIONS OR ANYTHING (see previous posts for low-key New Year sensibleness).

Here's some pictures because BLOG.

Playing croquet because GENTEEL and CIVILISED

The beach, which I have taken to enjoying now that I have bought really expensive togs. That's all it takes peeps.

The tree.It's a new one. Suits the high ceilings. Don't look at the washing. I said DON'T LOOK AT IT GODD!

Birthday Week.

GUYS I am so terribly guilty and apologetic that I have been so quiet on the blog front! I mean I know that you are all just constantly hanging out on the edge of your seats for regular updates from me.  Who wouldn't? I mean this stuff is RIVETING!


WARNING - This post contains ENDLESS REALLY BAD, LIKE REALLY, REALLY BAD IPHONE PHOTOS. OMG WHEN WILL I LEARN AND START USING A PROPER CAMERA!!!???

First things first. If you would be so kind as to look to your right you will see a button  "Vote for me now". If you feel so moved, I would be eternally grateful if you could hop over there and vote for me in the People's Choice Awards. I mean, there's only like 1000 entries or something so I AM A SHOE IN OBVIOUSLY! 

Please and thank you.

Anyway as you all know it was my birthday this week, and in case you missed it I drew the winners of the Mollie Day prizes!  Check it out if you want.

I got pressies.

I done got me some nice perfume from the kids and an attractive nightie and set of jarmies from the husband which were both very nice.

But I have to say the best loot came from my dear old parentals who are traditionally generous beyond measure with this stuff and didn't fail to impress.

Dad gave me money to buy - wait for it - MY VERY OWN LAPTOP COMPUTER! I KNOW! OMG!

So I done bought one.

It's an Asus something something. I like it. Downside is that it is running Windows 8.  WTF? Windows 8 you are freaking me out beyond WORDS and making me feel ANCIENT AND HOPELESS! WHY SO WEIRD WINDOWS 8? Didn't the success of Apple teach you ANYTHING MICROSOFT? EVER HEARD OF USER FRIENDLINESS INTUITIVE SHIT BLAH BLAH?

I've been raging at it.

Here's hoping I come to grips with it STAT or someone will suffer.  I might just write a VERY STRONGLY WORDED letter to a certain Mr Bill Gates outlining my displeasure.

Be afraid Bill.

Anyway, the other present of awesomeness was from my mum - money for a big ole fancy pants, trendy, the whole works hair cut.

Guys. Don't get freaked out (I mean I know I am a 33 year old, generously proportioned mother of two, respectable public servant and erstwhile librarian), but CHECK THIS OUT!

 

I got an UNDERCUT BABY! Just call me Rhianna. You can share my umbrella, ella, ella, any time you need to, any one of you.


My bloggie friend Kim from Falling Face First has written about her blossoming early-mid life crisis and its resulting pink hair action. I too am starting to rage against the dying of the light and saying HELL NO I WON'T GO gently into that good night.

Look it's a pretty small one but we all have to start somewhere. Maybe next time I will get some lopsided geometric hairstyle action too but first things first.

Another friend K has a group on FB called "F**K Yeah Girls with Short Hair - Oz" for fierce chicks like us who rock a short haircut. You should totes look her up and join.

So we came up to the Sunshine Coast to stay at the Slapdash Family Compound for Easter and I write to you from said Compound as we speak.  This meant we had some built in babysitting and this subsequently facilitated a DATE NIGHT for M and I to celebrate my birthday.  So we went to one of our favorite restaurants ever - The Spirit House, in Yandina. It's a Thai restaurant. A super dooper one.

We've been a few times for lunch but hadn't been there during the night before - just so gorgeous! I cannot rave enough!

Here's some random bad photography so you can feel like you were THERE TOO!

It's set around a little pond like thing and you walk along a path to get there, all lit with lanterns and "spirit houses".

As we walked along I remarked perceptively, "It really reminds me of THAILAND!". Who'd have thought, eh?

We had a cocktail.

And some champagne.

We ate spicy delights.  The end.

I hope that little rundown was as good for you as it was for me.

 Anyway it's been a nice week. We've even been to the beach. We met my friend K there with her two little children today.  As we were playing on the grass near the sand a TV reporter and camerman came up to us. They walked right past me and zoomed in on olive skinned, beach touseled hair K and asked her probing questions like "What do you think people like to DO AT THE BEACH ON GOOD FRIDAY?" and so forth. I'm not sure what they were hoping she'd say.  Perhaps they were angling for something like "Oh, we like to REENACT THE PASSION OF CHRIST FOR THE BEACHGOERS" or "We enjoy the beach at Easter because the sand in our jocks reminds us of CHRIST'S SUFFERING ON THE CROSS!". What they got was a lot of close ups of her baby A eating a hot cross bun covered in sand and grass.

After they'd got her comments and their 5 minute baby close up, they wandered off to find another attractive family to film.

Completely ignoring me and my offspring.

WTF!!?? The bloody cheek. DON'T THEY KNOW MY BABY IS THE CUTEST BABY EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD????  I MEAN LOOK AT HIM!!!!

OK so maybe my outfit du jour wasn't screaming BEACH BEACH BEACH, what with my voluminous sun smart coverall, unshaven, pasty legs and Mum's old beach hat, but the kid has star potential at LEAST!.

How very dare they.  I almost shouted out after them "I say there! You with the camera! HAVEN'T YOU FORGOTTEN SOMEONE!!!???".

Anyway Happy Easter readers! Hope you never have to suffer the indignity of being ignored by a regional television station's camera crew. How ever will we live it down?

Until next time!

Valentines Day. The Slapdash Report - Vol. 2

True to form, I'm exhausted, so I'll make this as brief as humanly possible.

Baby B, the birthday boy himself, has a horrible croupy type cold thing and is (uncharacteristically) causing us no end of sleeplessness.

Anyway, in case you hadn't heard it was Valentine Day yesterday.  Instagram was awash with champagne, red hearts, chocolate, and red roses out the whazoo.  Even I was getting a bit sick of it, and I am a veritable diehard fan of V Day.

I have however brought shame upon myself and my family (although maybe not, actually, seeing as how we are all pretty half arsed and lazy, see my mother's post for details).

I woke up this morning (after a hell of a night with the sick bub) to discover M had bought me a facial voucher from ye olde Ella Bache, along with a cute card with a heartfelt message of love inside it.  Adorbs.

M, however, woke up this morning (after a hell of a night with the sick bub) to discover that I had bought him....nothing.  I know, I totally suck.  I am usually awesome and excellent at making things festive.  I've lost my mojo briefly.  I blame my return to work.  It is taking up important ME TIME.  How very dare it!?

It's all particularly sad and/or amusing, depending on how one might view it, because when I went down to Ella Bache to get the ole eyebrows waxed on Saturday, I had forgotten that I was supposed to have my free facial as well.  Because I couldn't stay, I had to forfeit it.  This pained me greatly.  The ladies were sympathetic and said things like "Oh well, it's Valentines Day this week, you never know your luck!!!".  I scoffed and pooh poohed the idea that M would think to purchase such a treat.  When I got home, I lost no time telling him how the ladies and I had discussed the likelihood of his gifting me in this way and all concluded it was out of the question.

I was proven wrong to my eternal shame.

Luckily I ducked out, dragging the sprogs along, to our local discount alcohol dispensing barn and bought some fancy champers.  M is an understanding fellow.

So, on to the election recap, edition 2.

I've already lost energy re: the election campaign so I'm casting my small and be-holed net a little wider to encapsulate current affairs more generally. Cop out? Yes! Care factor? Nil!

Here's the latest dot points I've shoved together in my inimitable fashion.  You saw it here, um, LAST probably!

- Our leader Joolz and her posse have announced a sort of vague flexible working for parents policy.  I think they're trying to make it so that all parents have the right to request part time work and so forth.  I also have the general vibe that they're thinking of extending this to peeps getting towards retirement age too.

-  The other Joolz, Julie Bishop, noted progressive and radical thinker, responded to the flexible working whatnot by letting us all know ladies can't have it all.  This pissed off some ladies.  I can't imagine why. I totally agree.   I want a ferrari, champagne on tap and a man-slave, but nobody's coughing up.  Is that what's she's talking about? No?  Oh well then, my apologies...

- It's all come out that our sacred Gods of the footy field have been Lance Armstrong-ing it up, druggy growth hormone supplement style.  Whatever.  I couldn't care less but I suppose we have to THINK OF THE KIDS! Won't someone think of the KIDS!?!  Joolz told all the clubs to come forward and spill the beans.  Don't know if they have yet, Google it peeps if you care enough.  I think everyone should just take growth hormones, you know, to even out the playing field and create a race of SUPER HUMAN FOOTBALL MACHINES!  Why not?

They totally are. [Source]

And there ends the Slapdash Report for this week!  Think I missed something important? Probably!  Inaccurate and sloppy? Definitely!

Stay tuned for further updates next week!


Linking up for....

Ringing in the New Year. Getting back my BloJo. Also, f****n magnets! How does that work??

Sounds rude doesn't it? But yes, you heard right,  I've gone and coined another term. I'm sure the Oxford Dictionary boffins will be on the phone to me any minute.

So "BloJo" ain't what you think it is. BloJo is the term used to describe the enthusiasm or feeling of motivation needed to write crap on your blog. That is, your Blog Mojo. See what I've done there? I've just shoved two words together to make a new one, in the manner of, say, " Boho" or "Bennifer" or "Brangelina", or even "sangry".

Anyway my BloJo had gone walkabout over the festive season, but I'm trying to get it back. I've been so sangry and loserish for the last month but the New Year is here and with it the psychological boost I need to pull myself together and get ENERGETIC! I'm feeling positively, er, positive! Woo! Come owwwwnnn 2013 hit me with your best shot!

P wearing her New Year outfit and contemplating the future.

How did youse ring in the New Year? We went and stayed at my SIL and BIL's place. The whole evening was a great success because...

a) The kids only stayed up til 8pm.  They had a sort of miniature discotheque that involved them giving a small performance of Queen's "Another one bites the dust" which P very amusingly calls "Buster Dust". Hee hee. They were then treated to a sparkler each and promptly wrangled, without too much drama, into bed. Amazeballs.

Aaaaaaaaaaah...Freak out!!!

b) The grown ups were then able to eat a nice meal, have a few drinkies including some bubbly, and proceed to usher in the new year huddled round the computer sniggering at You Tube clips such as this one....



Tee hee hee.

And this one.. .
It's a MEEEERRACLE! Fucken magnets?! How does that work??!

(There's also a very amusing SNL takeoff of this clip but it is mega hard to find.)


...followed by indulging in a Steve Coogan Live DVD, until lo and behold midnight was upon us! We all had another glass of fancy plonk and then hit the hay. And the kids slept all night long including Baby B. And then everyone let me sleep in til like 8.30am. I'm a lucky one.

I know how this looks, but we were actually having a lovely time.  And the plastic cups were for the kids I swear.  We used the posh glasses an' all. Innit.

But it didn't stop there people. We drove home and pottered about a bit before packing up AGAIN and driving to Kirra beach which is practically in another state, to meet up with some dear friends J and F and their sprogs, and other dear friends M and T. If you haven't been to Kirra for a while (like I hadn't) then OMG you are in for a surprise, the SAND! There is so MUCH. It was like undertaking a trek over the Sahara desert just to get to the water.  Anyway we did finally reach the sea even without a camel to assist us, and we all (yes, even me!) had a bracing dip in the rather wild ocean. Apparently someone drowned there today! Gah. How brave am I!!!?? Super brave, thank you very much.

Then we ate fish and chips.

Best. New Year. EVER!!

We are, however paying the price tonight for such an eventful few days, having just had the most hardcore bedtime battle times 2. Urghggf.

Cheerio chaps.

Everyone's doing New Year posts and I felt left out, so here's mine.

At this time of year we are called upon to farewell the old year, casting our eyes over the past 12 months with a cheerful wave and a "Those were the days of our lives!" or a "Thanks for the memories 2012 you crazy kid you!", or even a big old "Fuck you 2012 you sorry bastard!" depending on your mood.  And so, as we look forward to 2013 and send 2012 into the annals of history, I am naturally moved to drag out the old whiteboard and pens, the spreadsheets, manila folders, laptop, powerpoint display and laser pointers needed to update that ole Slapdash Family Ten Year Plan aka How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Hahahahhahhhhaaaa!  Oh dearie me! Hahahahaaaaaaa...haaa...haaaha...ha. Ha. Ahem. [Clears throat, wipes tears away, adjusts monacle].

As if!  10 year plan! Bahahaha. Oh there I go, I'm off again. Ahahahahahaaaaa...ha. Hahaha. Sniff. Snort.  Ahem.

Look, it's probably actually not a bad idea, you know. Don't listen to me.  And although I don't think I could ever quite get the wherewithall to do a ten year plan, as each New Year rolls round I do have the compunction to get some Resolutions going on.

This year I'm a bit stuck, I don't really know how I'm approaching it, thematically speaking, or what my real FOCUS should be.

I've kind of got two lists.  One of them is sort of vaguely along these lines -

1.  Be better at stuff
2.  Be more awesome at things
3.  Be less not awesome at junk
4.  Be thinner
5.  Do cool shit
6.  Write a ten year plan
7.  Make tonnes of money
8.  Change everything about myself that isn't awesome
9.  Be more organised
10. Be less disorganised
11.  Win at LIFE!
12.  Make my own bread!
13.  SEW THE WHOLE FAMILY'S CLOTHES!
14. WRITE AN AWARD WINNING NOVEL!
12. Go HARD or go HOME!
13. AWESOME!
14. MICHELLE BRIDGES QUOTATION!


You get the drift.

The other one is more along these lines -

1.  Love me for me
2.  Be ok with myself
3.  Live in the moment
4.  Embrace the now
5.  Moment in the live
6.  Let go and breathe
7. Letting go and breathing I am
8. Enjoy the small things
9. Insert inspirational quote here
10. I've been to paradise but I've never been to meeeee....
11.  Something something thankfulness something gratitude something something blah blah

Frankly both lists seem like a lot of trouble and I have a sneaking, sneaky sneakity sneak old suspicion I'm going to end up DOING THE SAME SHIT I DID LAST YEAR!

Here's cheers to 2013 anyway dear readers.  May all your resolutions, no matter how TOTALLY UNATTAINABLE THEY BE, come trueeeee!  You've all had a headstart already, because let it be known that just by reading my blog, you are statistically more likely to live longer, smell better, look fresher, earn more money and have more friends who correspondingly will be the type to have yachts and beach houses and who will want to invite you to stay there free of charge whenever you like.  No kidding.

I'll leave with some pics of me whooping it up at various par-tays over the years, because you know this shit won't be going down this year.  In bed by 10pm or my name's not Slapdash Mama.

See youse next year.  Have a drink on me.  Mwah.

Merry Christmas to my crew.

Merry Chrimbo everyone.

We've had a fat old time here at the Slapdash Family Compound.  We had M's family over for drinkies here to Mums place last night, and I did a hardcore last minute giftwrap and then stayed up til the wee small hours to go to midnight Christmas Eve service with my Daddy.  Lucky because CHRISTMAS NEARLY HAD TO BE CANCELLED! I KNOW!

I know what you are thinking re: last minute gift wrapping but I can explain.  I am not usually THAT slapdash.  My feeling "off colour" all week turned into a full blown catastrophic migraine on Friday night. I had to get a jab in the arm on Saturday afternoon and everything.  I was wondering why I couldn't focus or get anything done and felt so tired and depressed.  As I said on FB, total RESPECT for peeps who get them all the time.  How do you do it?  I could have wept from relief when the GP said there was a needle he could give me that would fix it.  Thank FUCK.  I thought I was dying.  M had to take over and make the apricot jam I had conceptualised as an "easy" alternative to buying gifts for the adults.  Oh what a fool was I...anyway the jam is very nice so that's something.  Dad even had to do an emergency run to our house to look after the kids, even while we were supposed to be driving to his place!  Let me tell you if you don't have your health you have nothing.  Nothing, my friends.

Anyway, I went to the Christmas Eve midnight service a) because I am a good Anglican and b) because Dad has been coerced into some kind of candle wrangling role up at his ole church so he had to be there to offside the lady he's accepting the baton from.   I say accepting in the loosest sense of the word.  Which seemed to consist of him sort of lurking around while she officiously fussed about shaking out robes and whatnot.  If her actions could speak they would have been saying "I am NOT READY to relinquish my VERY IMPORTANT CHURCHY ROLE and frankly YOU'LL HAVE TO PRISE THESE CANDLES FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS you upstart you".  Dad was very noble and withstood the liturgical attitude being directed his way.  As we left I could hear her lecturing him "And when you do the READING tomorrow you must be sure to SPEAK CLEARLY INTO THE MICROPHONE so that they HEAR you at the BACK OF THE CHURCH! CLEARLY, mind!".  Poor Dad, I wanted to shout "Love, I think he'll be right, he used to be a Deputy Principal and spent 90% of his time yelling at halls a thousand kids strong with or without a microphone.  No problems with vocal chords here", but I restrained myself.  Dad has a better grasp of the whole humility thing than I do.

So Dad came over to Mum's this morning to watch the smalls open their pressies.  They got tonnes as usual, with some hits and misses.  P's favourite pressie was a pair of Hello Kitty PJs I bought her at the last minute.  Lucky!  She promptly stripped down and wore the jim jams all day long.  She's wearing them in bed again now.  Cutie patootie.

P lounging in her new, er, lounge wear I spose.

 

We had a VERY HOT day and so of course ate a huge pork roast with all the proverbial trimmings.  No, but seriously it was delicious and then we had cherry sherry trifle and some of good old Heston Blumenthal's pud.  Oh yeah.  Hubba hubba.  I overcame my uncharacteristic migraine induced lack of appetite and did the dinner justice, more or less. 

Me at the feast with a small.

 

Mum at the feast.

Hope you all had a nice day.  I'm off to indulge in some Christmas Day Night festive "nibblings at the leftovers", as is tradition.

My good friend Gordon has popped over and he's going to help me eat....

 

...some of this.

Peace be with you my interweb family.

Poo of a day. Festivus. For the rest of us.

WARNING: This post is long,  photo heavy and self-indulgent.


I had a CRAP DAY!  Everywhere I go I read blogs that say "I'm sick of hearing about people whinging and whining about life, harden up and be POSITIVE" and dammit I try hard to be humorous and see the good (which is hard as I am naturally all "What do you mean the glass is half empty?  It was never full!  Who drank it?  I'm thirsty and I want a drink and you mean my glass is EMPTY?") and what not but basically today was SHIT and I was a SHIT MOTHER and yelled at my toddler and rang my busy husband at work bawling and hysterical and had a HARDCORE MELTDOWN!  I put this status update on my personal FB account;

I usually hate whining FB rants but my 3 y.o. daughter and her behavior have reduced me to screaming rage filled tears today. I'm not looking for reassurance that I am an awesome mother here because I am freaking telling you today has been a What Not To Do as a Parent Day and I feel like poo. Yelling, screaming, crying, begging, shouting, chasing, threatening. You name it. Over it. Over it. Over it. I know there are people with awful problems and so forth but today I can't get perspective. And no booze. And no comfort eating. Farking farkity fark feck bum poo arse bugger bollocks crap shit.

This actually had the effect of cheering me up no end because of course my personal cheer squad chimed in with supportive crap out the whazoo so I am ok again and about to GET ME SOME BOOZE.  Also we bought P McDonalds in an attempt to atone for the horror day.  Poor kid stuck with a psycho mother. Who buys her junk food. Oh well.

Here's some slightly more cheering festive thoughts from me to distract from the gloom and horror of the day.

This year we will be up at the Slapdash family compound and spending Christmas Day with Mum in a sort of weird retro revisiting of family Christmases I have known.  It will be nice but also sad.  Last Christmas we didn't even know my stepdad was sick and now he is gone.  Anyway here's a sort of Dickensian tribute, a photo montage of recent-ish Family Christmases Past.

A much younger Mum sitting near the Chrissy Tree perusing some weird  retro cookbook for Christmas Dinner ideas no doubt. Maybe 1995-ish?

  This pic is from what I like to call "The Portly Years".  Mum and Dad and me looking rather well fed indeed. Brother C probs taking the pic.

This is much more recent.  Me and my bro at the unit at Mooloolaba we all stayed in one year.  This was M's first Christmas with us.  Probably 2005?

My first Christmas with M's family.  M partaking in a little tipple as he glazes the ham.

Cake and sherry.  The essence of Christmas.

The completed ham from that year.

M checking out his ancestral Christmas Tree.

Lunch with his family.  Me on my best behaviour, I didn't burp or even use the wrong cutlery or anything!

It was pork that year.  Crackling, anyone?

Fruity flan!

Another year, at M's family pre-Christmas knees-up.

The same year.  We went out to lunch at Pepper's Hervey Bay on Christmas Day with Dad.  Delightful and no washing up.

Same year.  M partaking in some bubbles.

Same year.  Awkward family shot.

First Christmas in our new house.

Dad and my brother-in-law with our niece.  

 All M's fam and my Dad and bro.  Note the crazy blue velvet cusions on the chairs.  We also inherited this dining suite from the same lady as the couches.  I ripped those suckers off and Mum and I reupholstered the hell out of them by buying some cheap IKEA fabric and staple gunning it on in true slapdash fashion.

As above, with atmospheric blurriness.

P's first Christmas.  Have Bumbo, will travel.

Christmas with Grandpa.  This was a hellish year where we drove to every parent under the sun and I went mad.

Christmas at Mum's with my brother C.

It was some time around this day that I went mad.  Screaming , sleep-deprived batshit crazy.  Sorry everyone.  Seems like this is a bit of a pattern for me!!!

Christmas the next year just us 3.  Was supposed to be Mum and her husband D too but the horror floods meant no traveling.  It was quite lovely really not to have to go anywhere.

Angel scampering.

The loot.

The morning.

Family photo.  Lush crazy vegetables and herbs in the background due to major crazy rain that year.

Last year.  Everyone at our house again.

Cousins.

My stepdad. And the ham. We didn't know this would be his last Christmas.

Pressies.

Table set ready to roll.

Almondy boozey fruity cakey goodness.

I for one can't wait for Christmas.  I am anything but a Scrooge.  Bring it on. We all need to look forward to something.