Mundanity, yo.

Hello all. How are youse guys going? Me, I'm tired, bra-less and wearing stained clothes, thanks for asking.

I'd like to extend a personal welcome to all my new followers! You have just taken your first big step towards happiness and personal fulfilment. Trust me! I am like the Anthony Robbins of the blogging world. No shit. I am unleashing some serious "power from within" right now. I kid you not.

But enough with the fart jokes, let's move onto more serious matters, like my previous post on the impromptu beauty pageant P was in at the cinema.

The cinema emailed me back and seemed very worried and concerned and thanked me for letting them know.  I'm thinking the manager had no idea what the fairy ladies had planned.  Hopefully they will pay more attention when organising this sort of thing in the future. Maybe I should go this Saturday as a sort of mystery shopper just to check up on them. Hmm.

Anyhoo, today was mundane, which was fine with me.  The weather is positively apocalyptic in SEQ at the mo.  Rain, rain and more rain.  Thinking of everyone in places like Gympie who are going under for like the fourth time this year. Bad juju.

As a result we were pottering round inside. Here's a rundown of the day in dot points, my favourite inclusion in a blog post. Apart from irony. I love that bitch sick.  Don't ever leave me.

• Made wholemeal Vegemite and cheese scrolls, baked the shit out of them until they were as tough as old boots and essentially inedible, and then ate like a thousand of them anyway cos that's just how I roll. Or should I say, that's how I "Vegemite scroll".  Ahahahaha.

P declared them too "crunchy". She was right. Check out the one on the far left. Dry as a dead dingo's donger, as they say.

• During lunch P got really tired and excused herself from the table, changed into her jarmies, snuggled down in her bed AND WENT TO SLEEP FOR LIKE 2 HOURS! I know. WTF. Another sign the apocalypse is nigh.  I got really freaking excited that maybe I would have both kids sleeping during the day for the first time in MONTHS AND MONTHS but naturally B, having had a good sleep in the morning, wouldn't oblige me, the little devil.  I rang Michael to tell him and he said "Maybe it's something you did in a past life that means you can't get the kids to sleep at the same time." I think he could sense my eyes narrowing through the telephone line.

• Went next door for coffee in the afternoon and workshopped with my neighbour all the ways we could do more exercise and eat better, then came home and ate a whole lot of ice cream out of the tub while the kids were looking the other way.  Ugh.

In conclusion, I leave you with some Before and After photos of our recent backyard blitz.  Prepare to be amazed. Amazed I tell you.

Before...

 After...

I know what you are thinking but don't worry we mulched the herb garden after this photo.

Somebody call Gardening Australia, I think I can feel a visit from Costa coming on!

Any news, dudes? Spill it.

xx

Everyone's doing New Year posts and I felt left out, so here's mine.

At this time of year we are called upon to farewell the old year, casting our eyes over the past 12 months with a cheerful wave and a "Those were the days of our lives!" or a "Thanks for the memories 2012 you crazy kid you!", or even a big old "Fuck you 2012 you sorry bastard!" depending on your mood.  And so, as we look forward to 2013 and send 2012 into the annals of history, I am naturally moved to drag out the old whiteboard and pens, the spreadsheets, manila folders, laptop, powerpoint display and laser pointers needed to update that ole Slapdash Family Ten Year Plan aka How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Hahahahhahhhhaaaa!  Oh dearie me! Hahahahaaaaaaa...haaa...haaaha...ha. Ha. Ahem. [Clears throat, wipes tears away, adjusts monacle].

As if!  10 year plan! Bahahaha. Oh there I go, I'm off again. Ahahahahahaaaaa...ha. Hahaha. Sniff. Snort.  Ahem.

Look, it's probably actually not a bad idea, you know. Don't listen to me.  And although I don't think I could ever quite get the wherewithall to do a ten year plan, as each New Year rolls round I do have the compunction to get some Resolutions going on.

This year I'm a bit stuck, I don't really know how I'm approaching it, thematically speaking, or what my real FOCUS should be.

I've kind of got two lists.  One of them is sort of vaguely along these lines -

1.  Be better at stuff
2.  Be more awesome at things
3.  Be less not awesome at junk
4.  Be thinner
5.  Do cool shit
6.  Write a ten year plan
7.  Make tonnes of money
8.  Change everything about myself that isn't awesome
9.  Be more organised
10. Be less disorganised
11.  Win at LIFE!
12.  Make my own bread!
13.  SEW THE WHOLE FAMILY'S CLOTHES!
14. WRITE AN AWARD WINNING NOVEL!
12. Go HARD or go HOME!
13. AWESOME!
14. MICHELLE BRIDGES QUOTATION!


You get the drift.

The other one is more along these lines -

1.  Love me for me
2.  Be ok with myself
3.  Live in the moment
4.  Embrace the now
5.  Moment in the live
6.  Let go and breathe
7. Letting go and breathing I am
8. Enjoy the small things
9. Insert inspirational quote here
10. I've been to paradise but I've never been to meeeee....
11.  Something something thankfulness something gratitude something something blah blah

Frankly both lists seem like a lot of trouble and I have a sneaking, sneaky sneakity sneak old suspicion I'm going to end up DOING THE SAME SHIT I DID LAST YEAR!

Here's cheers to 2013 anyway dear readers.  May all your resolutions, no matter how TOTALLY UNATTAINABLE THEY BE, come trueeeee!  You've all had a headstart already, because let it be known that just by reading my blog, you are statistically more likely to live longer, smell better, look fresher, earn more money and have more friends who correspondingly will be the type to have yachts and beach houses and who will want to invite you to stay there free of charge whenever you like.  No kidding.

I'll leave with some pics of me whooping it up at various par-tays over the years, because you know this shit won't be going down this year.  In bed by 10pm or my name's not Slapdash Mama.

See youse next year.  Have a drink on me.  Mwah.

My week, a synopsis in photographs

I'm finding it difficult to get a moment to myself to write this blog.  So here's a speedy update on my week in photographic form, for those who are interested, although why you would be is anyone's guess!  I tried to start it twenty million times with P and B at my feet "writing" Christmas cards and so forth but not a moment's peace was to be had. I usually do as much as I can on my phone in any snippets of calm I have, but I still have to tweak it properly on the ole fashioned desktop computer.

I cannot work under these conditions people I AM AN ARTEEEESSST!

Also, I've been shamelessly flogging the blog around the traps and have successfully ensnared some new readers.  Hello to you all my new friends!

OK so here it goes for what it's worth.

• I invented a new word, sangry. You're sangry when you feel like this - 

Oh woe is me, I'm failing the kids, I'm an awful Mum, I'm never going to have a meaningful career, my daughter hates me, boo hoo hoo hoo 

        And then immediately feel like this - 

Grrrrr the house is so MESSY no matter what I do, I may as well be a frigging char lady, all I do is argue with the toddler and wipe arses, it makes me so MAD I WANT TO KICK A SMALL DOG BUT I CAN'T SO I'M JUST GOING TO SCREAM LIKE A BANSHEE AT MY HUSBAND!

 And then like this again -

Oh the world is so full of cruelty and horror, global warming, war, Tony Abbott, famine, misogyny, it's all too much, {sobs into pillow}.

Closely followed by - 

If I hear one more word about RADIO BROADCASTERS ACTING LIKE ARSES or if one more person bags out Julia Gillard JUST BECAUSE SHE IS A WOMAN WITH RED HAIR or if P does ANOTHER wee on the floor I am going to go OFF LIKE A FIRECRACKER OR AT THE VERY LEAST SCREAM LIKE A BANSHEE AT MY HUSBAND!!!

Sound familiar anyone?  We all get sangry from time to time.  Let it all out folks, breath out sangry, breathe in love.

• I remained more or less committeed to Fox in Flats #darecember. Get ready for some hardcore selfie action you guys.

Dress

Neck party

Red nail polish

Animal print

All black

Curls

•  This happened - 

Then this happened - 

Then this happened again - 

See "sangry" entry above for further details.

• Cute baby crap went down

Hee hee

Bless

•  This happened. For ages. WTF.

Sharpness of mind and clarity of thought, I has it.

•  I had a Tupperware party.  I know.

Wore this.

Baked this.

Scored free shit.

What have youse guys been up to?  Get about in mismatching clothes? Yell abuse at your husband?  Score some noice free plastic gear? I want to hear it all.

Things I am totally awesome at.

Whenever I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps, I like to do what the life coaches tell you, and run through a mental list of all the things I am TOTALLY AWESOME AT just to give myself a little boost.

- I'm really fantastic at devising arts and crafts activities for kids and I've even written a book about it called "Keep calm and carry on glitter glueing!"

P indulging in a bit of hardcore arts and crafts.  Actually this wasn't at my house.  Damn.

- I'm also rather an expert at coming up with awesomely creative ideas for kids meals, and it just so happens I've written a book on this topic too, called " Shut up and eat your chicken nuggets!"

B tasting some of my home made delights.  See the joy in his face? Warms the cockles of your heart...

- I've got a real natural talent for home organisation and interior design, and am regularly asked for advice from television show Better Homes and Gardens, and Martha Stewart even follows me on Twitter. I was the one who came up with those wedding pompom crepe paper bizzos everyone makes! I know, she totally owes me.

Martha is totally interested in collaborating with me on the above interior concept. I like to call it "All of the crap covering all of the bench".

- I have really superior willpower when it comes to junkfood. I've actually never eaten sugar in my life, generally preferring to snack on spirulina smoothies made with spinach, cacao, coconut water, wheat germ and other healthy shit.

As you can see my diet is hardcore vegan.

- I am really calm and relaxed all the time and have a positive approach to life. I meditate regularly and am often asked to talk to school groups about techniques for stress management , including crying, panicking, yelling, crying some more and rocking backwards and forwards in the foetal position. Works for me.

Me behaving maturely and calmly.

Looking on the bright side.

Coping with stress and extreme heat in a totally relaxed and positive way.

Going to my happy place.  Not at all sleep deprived and mental.

- I have finely tuned financial management skills. I invested the very first dollar I ever earned and the compound interest has really paid off. Now I have enough money to buy a small island of my own!

Me freestyling it real estate investment wise.

- I am very fit and passionate about sport of every description. This summer I am planning to participate in a triathalon, continue with my coaching at Little Athletics and will also be appearing at my very first body building meet! In preparation I will be eating nothing but tinned tuna and protein shakes with the occasional bowl of boiled rice. I've even designed my very own string bikini for the event, and had my tracksuit stencilled with my motto
"Go hard or go home and have a Gin and Tonic".

Just doing some training wearing highly appropriate exercise gear and shorts that are not too revealing of chubby white legs at all.

Just going hardcore off-road cross country style wearing similar appropriate attire.  I'm a slave to fitness I tell you.

- Last but not least, I am always being invited to glamorous social events where I'm inevitably the life and soul of the party and always dressed to the nines in the latest fashions.

Don't ask.

So much to live for! If I didn't have such a large entourage already vying for my attention, I'd totally want to be my own best friend too!

Linking up with Grace for FYBF!!

Some of my favourite things aka proof I am really a teenage boy stuffed inside the skin of a lumpen 32 year old woman.

I present the following evidence in support of the thesis that I am really just a weedy, spotty teenage boy being crushed to death inside the body of a suburban mother of two.

My top 10 movies are:

1.  Anchorman
2.  Dude, Where's My Car?
3. Anchorman
4. Anchorman
5. The Big Lebowski
6. The Sound of Music
7. Anchorman
8. Anchorman
9. The Piano.
Nah bra, just messin with ya! As if! That emo shit's for CHICKS!
10. Withnail and I

OK, so number 5 shows there's a little girl inside me too, struggling like buggery to escape.

On a serious note, there is an ANCHORMAN SEQUAL COMING OUT!  I know, it's almost too exciting to bear and frankly I am really really scared it's going to be TOTAL SHIT!!!!

My top 10 TV shows are:

1. Seinfeld
2. Futurama
3. The Simpsons
4. The Young Ones
5.  Bottom
6.  Absolutely Fabulous
7.  Alan Partridge
8.  All cooking shows that have ever existed in the history of the world I am not kidding I will watch them all
9. QI
10. Gardening Australia

OK, I'm actually not sure what the hell that TV show list says about me except that I am a freaking nutcase who has the psyche of a spotty youth and the interests of a crochet obsessed Nana who thinks she's a bit clever, likes eating, fashion, laughing at bum jokes, eating and also bum jokes.  Bum.

Also, by way of a closing argument - this.



Workmate R aka MaryMary, this is for you my friend.

What do youse guys like?  Do you like stuff?  Or things?  Or watching crap and stuff? Do you abide? Like the Dude? Me TOO! We should totally be FRIENDS!!!!

Mentoring like a boss.

Yesterday I got an invitation to go to a fundraising cocktail party.  It's to raise money to support new graduates and students in my erstwhile profession so they can attend a conference.  I'm supposed to be going as a VIP - "Very Important Professional" and I'm going to be paired with a fresh wide-eyed little student or graduate.  I found it a bit confusing, seeing as my own career trajectory has entered into what can only be described as a bit of a tailspin.  They must be deadset scraping the bottom of the barrel.  I pity the enthusiastic little up and comer who gets dumped with me.  Unless I am going to be used as a "What Not To Do" example.

Well, if anyone's looking for mentoring in "How to get made redundant while on maternity leave" or some lessons in "Commuting to work 3 hours every day for 6 years and hating every minute of it", then I suppose I'm your woman.

Mind you, if its tips on how to win friends and influence people you are after, you need look no further than my patented conference networking technique.  The technique involves;
1. Getting paraletic at a conference dinner
2.  Spraining your ankle on the dancefloor, followed by
3.  Lurching into to bed at 4am
4.  Getting up again at 6am to meet the bus that is waiting to take everyone on a whole day wine tour
5.  Sitting up the back of the bus, slumped in a corner with a plastic bag of ice on your ankle
5.  And finally, actually DOING the wine tour without vomiting.

This,  I am definitely an expert in and am only too happy to assist.  I'm sure you will agree that certainly did demonstrate some fairly legendary stamina, so perhaps that is why I'm being asked.  Yes, it makes sense now!  Watch and learn, grasshoppers!

Mentoring it the hell up, island style.

As above.

Sharing my knowledge.

Taking one for the team like a good mentor should

Mentoring like a boss.

Giving back to my profession.

Just doing some mentoring.

Anything for education.

Sacrificing myself on the alter of mentorship.

This is how it's done kids!

Bottoms up!

Mentoring - you're doing it wrong!

Getting my mentor on at my connubials.

Anyone else indulge in a bit of mentoring these days?  Any tips?  What should I do with my own life?  Who am I?  Where am I?  Quick, someone get me an icy cold mentor...I mean drink.