Slapdash parenting.

So I've been writing this blog for a while now. A few months.  In case you hadn't realised the main THEME of the whole blog is Slapdashery, or "Near enough is good enough", and in my loveable, endearing, cheeky and adorable way, I gently mock myself and my parenting for the amusement of all.

And frankly the public can't get enough of it. And by public, I mean my Mum. Hi Mum!

For a more detailed treatise on Slapdashery and Self-Deprecation please see this post or the guest post I did for Redcliffe Style.

But on a more SERIOUS note, sometimes I do feel a bit down.  I worry quite a lot about my parenting and feel inadequate.  I also worry about my own identity, and my own personal faults and flaws.  I wonder, what is my gift, my particular talent? I sometime feel like I'm not much good at anything.

I look at Instagram and crafty mummy blogs and feel like a big losery poo head, who is lazy and losery and pooey.  I feel jealous of them. I feel like I should be sewing and crafting, organising the house, and planting an organic vegetable garden, whilst commuting to my part time job and GIVING IT MY ALL and then I try to, and I get all stressed and upset because I find it so hard.  And then I get cross. And then just want to have a lie down and watch Game of Thrones on DVD (that's a whole other blog post yet to come people, stay tuned) whilst drinking a gin and tonic and fanning myself with a squashed origami crane.

The thing is this, I think.

I absolutely, truly believe that everyone is different.  You've just got to do shit your own way.  If you are a crafty old fox, then craft away.  If you are a green thumb, then dig the shit out of that garden.  If you can't relax unless your underwear is colour coordinated, then knock yourself out, you are awesome.  If you are like me ie. easily stressed out, anxious, and critical of yourself, then LOOK AWAY FROM THE TALENTED PEOPLE NOW and just  DO IT YOUR OWN WAY.

I read this article from Mrs Woog of Woogsworld fame on the Hoopla website and it made me think long and hard about all this "comparisonitis" that sometimes does my head in.

Another article that speaks to me and my natural tendency to worry and fuss is
"How to be an idle parent", by Tom Hodgkinson.  Dude has written a whole book on the topic. Haven't read it but the article is the shizz.

Also my friend JJ sent me this once when I was a bit down in the dumps.  Also excellent reading.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I that think the best thing to do is recognise your limitations people! If you are constantly full of energy, positive and have natural talent, then ignore me, because I am not.

But if you feel stressed, a bit over stretched, a bit devoid of talent, a bit uncreative, I'm about to do what I never thought I would.

And that is GIVE YOU SOME PARENTING TIPS!

I said in my "How to be a Slapdash Mama" post that "lowering your standards is the new black".  I am not joking.  The only way I can ever feel relaxed and actually live in the moment, like all those freaking memes are telling me to, is to CUT ALL OF THE CORNERS and only do what I want to do.

Well, I try anyway.

So, here we go.

MAKING FOOD FUN!

See this cup of water? SO BORING! If I presented this to P frankly she'd chuck it in my face, and be right to do so. Nobody should be forced to drink such a boring drink, it's a human rights abuse.

Now, see THIS drink!? See what I've done here? I've taken a straw and shoved it into the cup of water. INSTANT PARTY! P thinks this is the bees knees.

And if I'm really feeling crazy, not only will I shove a straw in, but I will also put some ICE CUBES in there.  I am actually not kidding when I say P goes crazy for this shit.  They enjoy simple pleasures, your three year olds.

Give this totes boring plate of eats to a jaded three year old and feel their wroth!

But shove it into a fancy lunchbox, and you've got yourself a CLEVER and INTERESTING SNACK PACK. Clever, no? Easy, yes!

BIRTHDAY CAKES

OK, I actually like baking.  But basically if you do not like baking, just buy a cake already.  As Mrs Woog said, kids don't care where it comes from, cake is cake.

So working on the assumption that I already like baking and making cakes that taste yummy, I also know that I do not like having to assemble things or dick about with fiddly shit.

Basically I make the same cake every year. As did my mother for me.

P's 1st bday cake. Melt and mix butter cake recipe.  In a big heart shaped tin.  With pink icing.  Bob's your uncle.

I did it again for P's 2nd birthday. Here's the photo of the 1st birthday cake again, I couldn't find one from her 2nd. But picture this one. With pale yellow icing. And marshmallow daisies. EASY AS SHIT.  

I did it again for Baby B's christening, but I also seem to have cut corners with photo taking cos I can't locate one of that either.  It was a heart shape. With white icing.  Boo-yah!

I do admit to sometimes mixing it up with a rainbow layer cake.  BUT it's the SAME RECIPE. And it is freaking easy.

Looks good but is EASY. But if the idea stresses you out, DON'T DO IT! ALSO if you want to bake a huge crazy Women's Weekly cake book recipe, go ahead, I think that is awesome. DO WHAT YOU FEEL!

I went a bit off-theme for P's third birthday and did the layer cake again instead of the heart. But the layers were pink this time.  CRAZY I KNOW!

 I could go on at length.  Perhaps I'll make this a series too. Slapdash Parenting?  I'll think about it.

Do you cut corners? Or are you energetic and positive with colour coordinated undies? Does the idea of origami with toddlers bring you out in a cold sweat?  It's a rich tapestry my friends, with room for all!

Linking up with Flog your Blog Friday again.  I know, no button. Maybe I'll work it out this weekend.

The art of self deprecation. The blog. Money.

So we are back now after our abbreviated family visitation for the Christmas period.
It was pretty jolly well jam packed with family and friends catchings up, you know how it is, the annual compulsion to see millions of friends and related peoples all at the one time.

At all the social events we attended there was much chitty chat and interest in me and this here blog, which I found, in a sort of contrary way, alternately interesting and annoying. I say contrary because well, obviously I write it and put it on the interwebs so peeps will read it and laud me as the singular voice of a generation. So I shouldn't really be surprised that you dudes actually DO read it, and correspondingly have OPINIONS on it and, following on from that, opinions on me and how I write and how you perceive the way I see the world. And the downside to doing this is that the good old written word is notorious for its propensity to get a teeny tiny bit misinterpreted.

The upside is, of course, that having this blog is kind of like having that golden opportunity everyone dreams of, the opportunity to HAVE THE LAST SAY. What I mean is, usually when I've had a conversation with someone about something, I often go away thinking "Bother, I wish I'd said {insert clever retort here} or {insert witticism here} or {insert clarifiying remark here}".

Well, writing a blog means no longer do all the things I wish I'd said remain unspoken, no longer do I wish I'd had the words to explain myself properly. I can now force you all to endure my musings, my followings up and my clearings up of misunderstandings.

On that note, here's some shit I want to clear up about me and this here blog that's been brought to my attention during awkward conversations I've had over the festive season.

1) On being self deprecating.

My cousin C from Deutschland reads the blog ( hello C). He was very nice about it and said he loved to read it because it reminds him of home. Thanks C. BUT. He also said  "and you are actually quite funny, in your miserable sort of way". I laughed but was thinking lots about it afterwards. At another gathering of old schoolfriends yesterday, I told them what he had said and there seemed to be general consensus that yes, it was miserable. Ok. So I think I know what you all mean, but I feel compelled to clear something up. That renowned scholarly journal Wikipedia defines self deprecation as
       " the act of belittling or undervaluing oneself.^[2] It can be used in humor and tension release...".

I prefer to use the parlance of our times and define it as "Taking the piss out of yourself".

Some famous self-deprecating humourists include such big names as -

• Larry David. I don't want to alarm you but I don't actually think he is as hopeless, accident prone, and socially awkward as he makes himself out to be. Um, I mean, he's a famous writer who, you know, only wrote like the most famous sitcom ever, Seinfeld. So probs pretty together and clever. See? EXAGGERATING for dramatic effect!!
• Woody Allen - see above precis but substitute "sitcom" for "gazillions of massively popular and awesome movies".

Ok, so what am I on about? I guess I was a bit horrified to think that what I was writing might be going down on the public record as "miserable". I read it over again for myself the other night, and you know what? I really don't think it is. It is SELF-DEPRECATING. I am really NOT MISERABLE. I'm a lucky person, I have a good life and beautiful friends and a supportive family and the thing I love most in the whole world is to have a larfff.  I don't know about you lot, but I am also deeply flawed and a bit ridiculous. I can be impatient, lazy, selfish, hopeless, hairy, depressed, smelly, grumpy, silly, argumentative, overwhelmed, disorganized, moody, negative, drunk, inconsistent, foul mouthed, emotional and so forth.

So you know what I do? I take the piss out of myself! For larffs! For shits n giggles! I take my bad points and I poke fun at myself for your entertainment! I EXAGGERATE!!!! It's not all totally REAL!!! The only sure fire way to NOT hurt anyone's feelings when writing to be humorous is to direct all the barbs and slings n arrows at yourself.  I do this for you people! I am so GIVING! I am practically a saint. Aren't you all LUCKY!!!!!!!

I am not miserable. I am self-deprecating.

2) The blog seems so time consuming.

Ok, I get this a lot! It's not! It's not a burden, it isn't hard. I wrote most of this post on my phone on the drive back from the coast while the kids were sleeping. I like it! The words come spewing forth onto the page like, well, like SPEW! The photos take a while to upload, but I just load 'em up and then wait for the magic to happen. Anyone have a Facebook account? An email account? You too could write a blog - it is EASY!!

3) Why have a blog? What's the POINT??!!

Guys once again I don't want to alarm you but I don't write the blog as some sort of high tech version of a baby book. I'm not "keeping the family records" or whatever. It's for my writing, it's a creative outlet for me to write whatever I like however I like. Usually I try to be humorous (see point one above on self-deprecation).

Maybe one day someone will notice it and I'll get some moola out of it, which leads me to my next point.

4) Mummy bloggers who host advertising on their sites and/or write sponsored posts are somehow deficient or "sellouts".

Ok, OMG you guys. No! This is wrong. You have been BRAINWASHED by the mainstream media who are shitting their collective pantaloons because they are losing power to the good people of the interwebs. People are writing their own stuff on their own sites, other people are reading it and ad companies are INTERESTED in this! The media, such as it is, cannot handle this shift and like to make out that it is somehow unethical and pathetic for "mummy bloggers" to earn some cash for their words. Pfft I say. Where does all the money come for newspapers, for magazines, for their fancy "beauty buys" spreads and so forth. From advertising!

Let me tell you now, if ever I am lucky enough to become a popular blogger, I be monetising the SHIT out of this blog so fast you won't know what hit you. I might draw the line at cigarette advertising but that's about it. Don't worry I'd be all above board and declare my interests and whatever whatever, but if someone will pay me to write this shit then I am ENDORSING THAT CONCEPT BIATCHES!!!!!

Ok here endeth today's sermon.

I feel I should finish with this closing remark. Obviously, I know that by putting out my ramblings to the general public I am inviting people to read it and then form whatever opinion or impression they like. I am basically so happy and grateful that anyone reads it at all. I just wanted to set the record straight for my own self because I felt a bit URRGGHHHH in the tummy about the blog.  Carry on thinking whatever you like peeps. Don't stop reading. Or do. Whatever you like, I am down with it.

As you were.