My very exciting announcement!

I don't know about you lot but I always read a blog entry that has some sort of "EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT!" or "HARDCORE BLOG DEVELOPMENTS OMG THINGS ARE HAPPENING FOR ME FINALLY!" title.

I mean, who wouldn't!

So...basically I have tricked you...no exciting developments here. MWAHAHAHAHA. Oh dear I feel practically crazed with power.

Still, I have decided I am going to become more diligent with the blog and try and make something happen.

I mean I am freaking talented and my whole life is performance art so if others can do it, why not I?

So, as professional bloggers and organised people are wont to do, I have decided to institute a blogging schedule.  This is to force me into writing every day.

Here it is - oh I am so excited!*

Monday - Moaning Martha Monday - join me as I elucidate on things that get my goat, where I vent my proverbial spleen, and where I basically WHINGE FOR AUSTRALIA!

Tuesday - Tasty Tuesdays! Join me, um, again I guess, as I talk about FOOD - come here for tips and tricks, budget meal ideas and healthy recipes!**

Wednesday - WHINGING WEDNESDAY! Oh no wait, that sounds a bit too much like Moaning Martha Monday.  Ughh. I'll have to come back to Wednesday.

Thursday - Thrifty Thursday! Join me, as I go on incessantly about all the crap I've bought at op shops.  Crazy Jesus statues with chipped noses? TICK! Ancient Scottish woollen sweaters? GUILTY AS CHARGED!

Friday - FARSHHHHHION FRIDAY! This one is my favourite. Here I will go on about clothes and that.  Because I like clothes. And that.

Saturday - On Saturdays we will welcome back the much missed SLAPDASH REPORT! Where I update you on all things CURRENT AFFAIRS AND POLITIC-ESQUE. You know you want it!

Sunday - Slappy Sunday.  Here I just crap on about whatever I feel like.  AWESOME TO THE MAX!

OK...so what should I do for Wednesdays? Any ideas? Anyone out there still reading this blog?

Alan? Alan? Alan?

Here's a photo of a hamster.

Look at him! HE HAS A CORM!

*DISCLAIMER: am not actually that excited
**HAHAHAHA as if -  tricked you again. I will talk about food though I guess because I tend to eat lots of it, more's the pity.

Election roundup - a bit late

Oops I missed this going up! Anyway here is my take on Election 2013. In case you were wondering.

The Shake Report - CLICK TO READ

The Shake Report

Hello guys! Confused about what's been going down, current affairs wise? Finger no longer on the pulse?
ME TOO! Doesn't stop me though...

Here's the latest Shake Report for your reading pleasure..

The Slapdash Report - on The Shake

Gosh youse lot I'm off flaunting myself at The Shake AGAIN today!

Saturation coverage basically.

http://www.theshake.com.au/news-opinion/the-shake-report-faceless-men-edition/

The Shake Report is today brought to you by Faceless Men, and thank you for the inspiration sitdownmummy!

Ever wondered what goes on behind closed doors with those mysterious men behind the ALP? So have I! Wonder no more guys!

The Slapdash Report has changed!

Hi everyone!

I know you are all just HANGING OUT for my latest Slapdash Report.

Well things have changed peeps and the lovely people at The Shake have allowed me to add my weekly current affairs ravings to their learned publication.

So now it is called The Shake Report!

I am so excited to be part of this new magazine and thrilled to be included.

 

The Slapdash Report, The (Swim) Brief Edition.

As predicted I am already running out of ways to make my Slapdash "A Current Affair" Report amusing.  Did you watch Shaun Micallef the other night? Another bastard stealing all my ideas.  Trust me, I had an absolutely hilarious Report prepared but he used all my jokes. I am not lying*. Some people are just so damned uncreative. If you want to see all my brilliant ideas, go here. I have sent him a terse email from my lawyer**.

In order to squeeze some mileage out of my tired old concept this week, I've decided to write the Slapdash Report from the perspective of Tony Abbott's budgie smugglers.

My other reports are available here.

[Source] Courier Mail. Leader of the Opposition Tony Abbott putting all us ordinary sloths to shame yet again. Doesn't he realise his fellow Australians are all obese junk food addicts who hate athletic over achievers? Who is his media adviser I'd like to know!?

Dear diary,

Woke up early this morning when Tony stuffed me into his exercise bag along with his musty old towel and running shoes. Sometimes I don't feel like this is a relationship of equals.  He treats me roughly and I just have to support him without question, physically and emotionally.  I want to leave, but I just can't. I adore the man. Nobody wears me better.  

 He was in a foul mood, probably because that red headed harlot Julia Gillard had announced she was going to spend a week in Western Sydney sucking up to bogans, when he had totally had the idea first.  He was angry with me for discouraging him when he first canvassed the concept, but it's not my fault I prefer the idea of a dip at Balmoral Beach to endless laps in the local murky Western Suburbs municipal pool.   

His temper was only made worse by those fools he calls colleagues when they squabbled once again about the refugee visa issue. I wish they understood how much they upset Tony when they fight, and then it's me who suffers when he's so distracted that he forgets to rinse me out in the laundry sink and I go mouldy.

Anyway, dear diary, I'd better go, Tony's shouting at me again. Oh God, what is it now? I'm exhausted from our session this morning, I can't handle another workout of angry swim/jogging.  Don't tell me someone's mentioned his "women problem" again. I wish those shrill feminists would just shut UP and leave the poor man alone.  Anyone who loves watching Downton Abbey with his daughters is obviously totally down with all that equal rights stuff.

Ever yours,

B. "Speedo" Smuggler

There you go guys, out of the mouth of babes togs.

Until next time.

Your faithful servant,

Slapdash Mama.


*I am actually lying. I do that sometimes. I know, despicable.
**Lying again. Practically pathological, really!

Valentines Day. The Slapdash Report - Vol. 2

True to form, I'm exhausted, so I'll make this as brief as humanly possible.

Baby B, the birthday boy himself, has a horrible croupy type cold thing and is (uncharacteristically) causing us no end of sleeplessness.

Anyway, in case you hadn't heard it was Valentine Day yesterday.  Instagram was awash with champagne, red hearts, chocolate, and red roses out the whazoo.  Even I was getting a bit sick of it, and I am a veritable diehard fan of V Day.

I have however brought shame upon myself and my family (although maybe not, actually, seeing as how we are all pretty half arsed and lazy, see my mother's post for details).

I woke up this morning (after a hell of a night with the sick bub) to discover M had bought me a facial voucher from ye olde Ella Bache, along with a cute card with a heartfelt message of love inside it.  Adorbs.

M, however, woke up this morning (after a hell of a night with the sick bub) to discover that I had bought him....nothing.  I know, I totally suck.  I am usually awesome and excellent at making things festive.  I've lost my mojo briefly.  I blame my return to work.  It is taking up important ME TIME.  How very dare it!?

It's all particularly sad and/or amusing, depending on how one might view it, because when I went down to Ella Bache to get the ole eyebrows waxed on Saturday, I had forgotten that I was supposed to have my free facial as well.  Because I couldn't stay, I had to forfeit it.  This pained me greatly.  The ladies were sympathetic and said things like "Oh well, it's Valentines Day this week, you never know your luck!!!".  I scoffed and pooh poohed the idea that M would think to purchase such a treat.  When I got home, I lost no time telling him how the ladies and I had discussed the likelihood of his gifting me in this way and all concluded it was out of the question.

I was proven wrong to my eternal shame.

Luckily I ducked out, dragging the sprogs along, to our local discount alcohol dispensing barn and bought some fancy champers.  M is an understanding fellow.

So, on to the election recap, edition 2.

I've already lost energy re: the election campaign so I'm casting my small and be-holed net a little wider to encapsulate current affairs more generally. Cop out? Yes! Care factor? Nil!

Here's the latest dot points I've shoved together in my inimitable fashion.  You saw it here, um, LAST probably!

- Our leader Joolz and her posse have announced a sort of vague flexible working for parents policy.  I think they're trying to make it so that all parents have the right to request part time work and so forth.  I also have the general vibe that they're thinking of extending this to peeps getting towards retirement age too.

-  The other Joolz, Julie Bishop, noted progressive and radical thinker, responded to the flexible working whatnot by letting us all know ladies can't have it all.  This pissed off some ladies.  I can't imagine why. I totally agree.   I want a ferrari, champagne on tap and a man-slave, but nobody's coughing up.  Is that what's she's talking about? No?  Oh well then, my apologies...

- It's all come out that our sacred Gods of the footy field have been Lance Armstrong-ing it up, druggy growth hormone supplement style.  Whatever.  I couldn't care less but I suppose we have to THINK OF THE KIDS! Won't someone think of the KIDS!?!  Joolz told all the clubs to come forward and spill the beans.  Don't know if they have yet, Google it peeps if you care enough.  I think everyone should just take growth hormones, you know, to even out the playing field and create a race of SUPER HUMAN FOOTBALL MACHINES!  Why not?

They totally are. [Source]

And there ends the Slapdash Report for this week!  Think I missed something important? Probably!  Inaccurate and sloppy? Definitely!

Stay tuned for further updates next week!


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