Why I write.

There’s this THING going round, perhaps I could call it a meme? It’s blogging community related anyway, and it’s like a sort of pass the parcel for GROWN UP writery types.

My dear friend Caitlin from Mother Down Under has passed it onto me.  It’s an invitation to answer the question “Why do you write?”

Caitlin texted me to make sure it was ok to pass the torch on to me, so to speak, probs because basically I don’t really write much at the moment. HAHAHAAAAA. Not that I don’t want to! By God I’ve always got words swirling round my head but by Jove it’s tough to get a moment alone with a writing apparatus to get them down on the bally jolly buggery paper.

Still, I am jumping at this opportunity to SPILL MY GUTS about why I do what I (sporadically) do.

What am I working on?

I am trying to write some longer versions of blog posts in the hope I can craft them into something I can get published some place. It's proving difficult. Also I have started thinking in more detail about a book i want to write.  Yes. Thinking. Not writing.

I really feel the strong urge to come up with some sort of ingenious creative endeavour but I am sort of falling flat.  In that I am not coming up with one.  Any ideas?

How does my writing differ from others of its genre?

Genre? Genre? What genre even is my writing?

How does my writing process work?

I just have words and shit swirling round my head all day and sometimes I spew it out here. If I am trying to write something else I stop and start and stop and start. I used to take notes on my phone every time something good came into my head. I should probably start doing that again.

Why do I write?

Well. Look, I think the reason I write can be summed up eloquently in this way.

I write shit down because when I try and say it out loud, it always comes out all screwy and peeps end up looking at me like…

But you see, if I write it all down, man, it comes out SMOOTH LIKE….umm….SMOOTH LIKE PEANUT BUTTER OUT OF THE JAR ON A WARM DAY. Now that is MOTHEREFFING SMOOTH PEOPLE.

You see what I’m getting at!?

Here’s an example.

Me [sitting at the desk at work]: HAHAHAHAHA

Coworker: what are you laughing at?

Me: Oh, it’s this thing on the internet, it’s a blog, she’s so hilarious and high fashion but also FUNNY and she was just going on about culottes and shit and she’s really thin and her blog is called Man Repeller, because she doesn’t wear makeup but it’s MORE THAN THAT it’s completely brilliant and guess what I just saw she was born like 10 years after me, how come she is so funny, it’s not really fair, but get this she has this MANIFESTO and it’s all about Man Repelling and I am totally a man repeller from way back because of my commitment to pubic hair and…

Coworker:

But like, if I totally write it all down it makes sense, right? Am I right? I’m right aren’t I? It makes sense? People? People? Anybody? Bueller?

Anyway I think I am supposed to nominate some other bloggers....

I choose my friend Housewife in Heels, and also ole Frank at Talking Frankly. Even though they may have already done it. Soz if you have guys.

My very exciting announcement!

I don't know about you lot but I always read a blog entry that has some sort of "EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT!" or "HARDCORE BLOG DEVELOPMENTS OMG THINGS ARE HAPPENING FOR ME FINALLY!" title.

I mean, who wouldn't!

So...basically I have tricked you...no exciting developments here. MWAHAHAHAHA. Oh dear I feel practically crazed with power.

Still, I have decided I am going to become more diligent with the blog and try and make something happen.

I mean I am freaking talented and my whole life is performance art so if others can do it, why not I?

So, as professional bloggers and organised people are wont to do, I have decided to institute a blogging schedule.  This is to force me into writing every day.

Here it is - oh I am so excited!*

Monday - Moaning Martha Monday - join me as I elucidate on things that get my goat, where I vent my proverbial spleen, and where I basically WHINGE FOR AUSTRALIA!

Tuesday - Tasty Tuesdays! Join me, um, again I guess, as I talk about FOOD - come here for tips and tricks, budget meal ideas and healthy recipes!**

Wednesday - WHINGING WEDNESDAY! Oh no wait, that sounds a bit too much like Moaning Martha Monday.  Ughh. I'll have to come back to Wednesday.

Thursday - Thrifty Thursday! Join me, as I go on incessantly about all the crap I've bought at op shops.  Crazy Jesus statues with chipped noses? TICK! Ancient Scottish woollen sweaters? GUILTY AS CHARGED!

Friday - FARSHHHHHION FRIDAY! This one is my favourite. Here I will go on about clothes and that.  Because I like clothes. And that.

Saturday - On Saturdays we will welcome back the much missed SLAPDASH REPORT! Where I update you on all things CURRENT AFFAIRS AND POLITIC-ESQUE. You know you want it!

Sunday - Slappy Sunday.  Here I just crap on about whatever I feel like.  AWESOME TO THE MAX!

OK...so what should I do for Wednesdays? Any ideas? Anyone out there still reading this blog?

Alan? Alan? Alan?

Here's a photo of a hamster.

Look at him! HE HAS A CORM!

*DISCLAIMER: am not actually that excited
**HAHAHAHA as if -  tricked you again. I will talk about food though I guess because I tend to eat lots of it, more's the pity.

Movies. Hogswatch. Charlie's angels.

Hello to all my readers. I hope you are traveling well in this festive season of festivities. Chrimbo for some, other festivals for, well, others.

We are traveling in an ambling fashion, what with us all being on hols and all. I am enjoying the relaxed pace although the smalls are still too small to allow their parents any GENUINE relaxation. Still we take what we get.

In order to steal some ALONE TIME we shoved the kids into daycare on Monday EVEN THOUGH WE ARE ON HOLIDAYS and went to the movies. Well, look, I had a Gold Class pass that was given to me by my boss IN MARCH that I really felt should be used. Unfortunately, either ticket prices have gone up in that time or my boss just felt like he couldn't quite spring for the FULL price of two tickets because when the card was handed over there was still $10 to pay. THANKS A LOT BOSS R I DON'T THINK! Outrageous.

Anyway I always like a Gold Class experience and it wasn't even ruined by the following facts;

• I ordered churros to be delivered half way into the movie and they were dry and weird
• One of the only other groups in the cinema were an EXTREMELY ELDERLY and frail couple who talked very loudly and confusedly to each other before finally, and noisily, leaving the movie early. Poor ducks.
• I didn't really like the movie. It was American Hustle. I just couldn't really get into it. M liked it though. Margaret and David raved about it like crazy people. I was all like "meh".

My friend Mother Down Under also kindly invited me to see The Secret Life of Walter Mitty last night, she had scored some blogging related free tickets! Lucky me. I liked this one much more. Yes. Things I like about this movie include;

• Ben Stiller
• The scenery in Iceland and Greenland
• The ending
• The bit with the helicopter and the boat and that

 Anyway I recommend it.

In Chistmassy news, I have finished all my associated shopping and am enjoying my longstanding Christmas traditions of listening to this album;


and reading this book;

If you aren't familiar with either of these festive classics then I say, get thee to Amazon.com STAT! Or iTunes or a ye olde record shop/book shop.

Finally, I've said before that I am dead set lucky to have met some fabulous new friends through blogging. Some of those said friends are Cult Fashion Blogger and all round Excellent and Amusing person Faux Fuchsia, glamorous and talented Mummy Swap artiste Housewife in Heels, and crafty minx Mother Down Under. FF has quite taken us under her wing. She is the Charlie to our Angels. And when Charlie asks her angels to action something, we action the hell out of it.

FF is utilising her high end blog statistics and loyal readership to raise some cash for a little family she knows who have a sweet boy called Hugh. Hugh suffers from a condition called Alpers Syndrome. It is degenerative and life limiting. For more information, or to donate, you can read FF's blog or visit Hughie's website.

I am also going to attempt to put a link to his website on the blog sidebar but being the luddite that I am I might struggle. We'll see how that goes.

I am very lucky to have two beautiful and healthy children. There was a painful moment earlier in the year when we thought P was not going to be so healthy. It was the most frightening and exhausting time in my life. I can't imagine how hard it would be for Hugh's family.

Anyway, until next time, my loyal readers, adieu. Adieu. To you and you and you.

Lounge. ProBlogger. Triple J.

Hi everyone! Welcome to The Lounge. I've been AWOL a bit. But here I am again keeping it real, as usual.

I  have written this post at the last minute and have not proofread it. Am too KNACKERED! Apologies for any typos.

So, there was this conference on the weekend.  Something to do with blogging. Apparently it's very big these days and some people even make money from it.

Haha I am so funny. Anyway the ProBlogger conference was held at QT on the GC, which is a hip happening hotel at Surfers. As I am a blogger, and I make a cool $50 a month blogging (see that little video down there? It's the MONEY TRAIN PEOPLE!), and I live on the GC, then you might be forgiven for thinking I would be participating in said Problogging COnference.

I hate to disappoint you, but I didn't go. Because MONEY! My $50 a month didn't quite cover the hundreds of dollars for the conference tickets. I have sworn not to miss it next year though.

In a sort of stalkery move, fellow lounge lizard Rachel and I took the opportunity to meet up with our out-of-town Lounge compatriot, Tegan! She was clever enough to organise herself tickets to ProBlogger, so we went to the Stingray Bar at the QT to share a few drinks with her. While lurking around opportunistically we also ran into Rachel from Redcliffe Style, Lisa from Mrs BCs House of Chaos, Carly Findlay, Twitter friend Jatosha and others were floating around. Cool man.

I've never actually indulged in a night out "on the town" Surfers Paradise style, but gosh, Stingray is a cool joint. I was driving so I behaved sensibly, and made a getaway fairly early on when I realised the whippersnapper to mutton dressed as lamb (aka me) ratio was getting out of balance and NOT in my favour. If anyone is wondering if their dress is too tight, or short, or low cut, for a night out on the GC, fear not. You will have found your people.

On the way home, as I do when I am in the car, I cranked the radio. Feeling old as I was, it made me think of recent developments in my increasingly complex relationship with Youth Radio Network Station type thing Triple J.

I love listening to the radio. I have already waxed lyrical about my love for Classic FM, but my first radio love will always be Triple J. I LOVED listening to the Js as a high school student. When I discovered it, my whole world changed. THE MUSIC! THE COOL! It was quite the revelation.  I still listen to it, and actually these days there are HEAPS of bands and DANCE OUTFITS and whatnot that I like. A number of years have gone by where I couldn't have told you a single song that appeared in the Hottest 100, but I am back in touch with the KIDS these days. I mean, I think I am.

As much as it pains me to admit this, however, I am veeery slowly realising that I am edging ever further outside the target demographic. Signs I may no longer be part of the "Youth" are presented to you here. You be the judge.

• Recently, wunderkind breakfast presenters Tom and Alex had this quiz where people had to ring in and they played songs from Hottest 100s of yore. And they had to guess them, right. Anyway, they played a song from the 1998 Hottest 100. Now, 1998 was my freaking hey day, people. I was all over the Hottest 100 like a rash back then. Anyway, neither of the gormless twits participating in the quiz knew the song they were playing.  I was screaming at the radio "Regurgitator! OMG! Regurgitator you fools! WHO DOESN'T KNOW THIS??". One of the participants said grumpily, "Aw, fair go guys, I mean, I was only 4 years old". Cue my brain exploding. I mean, shit. I almost spat my coffee out. OMG that means he was born in 1994 which means there are ADULTS out there who were born in 1994! HOW OLD AM I EVEN ANYWAY EVEN?

•  I've developed quite the fondness for Macklemore. I like to shimmy along in the drivers seat of the car whilst rapping out some sweet rhymes like a veritable mofo. I was doing just that when I realised the inconguity of a white, Australian, thirty-something mother of two rapping along to the "Can't Hold Us" lyrics "And that's what you get when wu-tang raised you!". I mean, they didn't, you know, raise me. Really if I'm going to sing along I should probably change the words to "And that's what you get when Steeleye Span raised you!" which arguably doesn't have the same street-wise ghetto ring to it. Although some may say the words to "All around my hat" are hella radical and subverting the dominant paradigm like there's no tomorrow. I mean, it would be tricky argument to make, but some may. If they wanted to.

Google them, people. You won't be sorry.

• The other day, I found myself increasingly enraged by subsitute breakfast presenters Veronica and Lewis, who thought it would be terribly AMUSING to ask Veronica's Great Auntie Joan or someone to review the feature album. The album happened to be London Grammar, which I am totally OBSESSED WITH. I love them sick. And I guess the point of the segment was to get an OLDSTER to listen to some MUSIC THAT THE KIDS LOVE and then report back on how SHOCKED they are about the youth of today, and the SWEARS, and the LOUDNESS etc. Things didn't go according to plan for Veronica and Lewis, because Great Aunt Joan or whoever she was totally loved the album and said she would recommend it to anyone, particularly people of an elderly persuasion. Poor old tween hipsters Veronica and Lewis were a bit thrown by that. It seemed to put a spanner in their works. I was infuriated, and embarked on a rant filled with righteous anger at nobody in particular, that may have gone along the lines of "OMG did you hear that! Bloody kids these days think they INVENTED music and sex and drugs and rock and roll and that. Gen Y hipster upstarts, who says old people won't like London Grammar, or Daft Punk or the Amity Affliction. Seniors are people too! In my day we respected our elders and had good manners and moshing was mandatory and at concerts you were covered in other people's drinks and sweat and were grateful for it and you can't tell me what to like and oooooh me gout's playing up......".

Anyway, despite constantly being confronted with my own mortality at every turn (OMG! When Prince George is King that will mean Prince William is DEAD and he is YOUNGER THAN ME THAT MEANS I WILL BE DEAD TOO OMG!) I am determined to remain young at heart, and will continue to tune into the Js right on into my middle and late years. Hopefully when I am in the nursing home I will still be able to freestyle it Macklemore fashion and dare anyone to stop me!

Anyway, I've said too much. Talk about raving. Yourr turn. Maybe you've got something actually USEFUL to share! ENLIGHTEN US PROBLOGGER TYPES!

Bloggers IRL.

How are YOU all going? Hmm? You'll have to speak up, I'm on the internet.

Some housekeeping points;

- blogging is taking up too much time so I've cut it back
- Some lovely people have nominated me for a few Leibster awards. I DON'T THINK I AM GOING TO GET TO PASS THEM ON OR ANSWER THEM PROPERLY I AM SO SORRY! But thank you all VERY much.
- Today is The Lounge linkup - at Kimbo's blog - http://www.fff.net.au/. 

 Let us proceed now we have that out of the way.

Do you ever wonder if bloggers are real people? Or if they really are like their blog personas, or if they are actually 60 year old men using a computer in their mother's basement?

I used to. I don't any more because I've met a few IRL. That's internet speak for "In Real Life".  One of the most wonderful things that's happened since I started the blog, apart from allowing me to EXPRESS MYSELF CREATIVELY LIKE THE ARTISTE THAT I AM, is that I have made new friends. So exciting. I always feel a bit weird explaining I have friends I made on the INTERWEB like. But look, it's the way of the future, dudes. Who am I to stand in the way of PROGRESS!

Frankly it's a bit of an ask making friends when you get into your 30s so hooray for technology.

I'm just going to randomly rave on about some of the blogging peeps I have met for a bit.  Maybe you will like them too.

Veggie Mama
Veggie Mama blogs about motherhood, and food - vego food and recipes. Stacey is the most lovely, kind, truly helpful person. As well as being STRIKINGLY BEAUTIFUL, she is also smart and funny, and has been super generous with her bloggie help. She is a veritable treasure trove of blogging info.


Sit Down Mummy
Well I don't know if she counts because I knew her IRL before blogging but Kate is hilarious, kind, sporty, hilarious, multi talented, and did I mention hilarious. I luff her. She was at our wedding! Oh the memories...


Mother Down Under
Caitlin is adorable, utterly unpretentious, funny and kind. We met for the first time a little while ago, when we met up at our fellow blogger Housewife in Heels' new dress shop in BrisVegas. She has also recently started up her own Hypnobirthing business so anyone in Brissy about to pop out a sprog should look her up.

Housewife In Heels
As well as having a totes hilarious blog HiH is in person super glam, funny and warm. You should go and visit her dress shop, it's in Paddington and is called "The Pop Up Shop", you might snaffle a bargain. I tried on some frocks a while back but it was in the uber hairy leg days so it was all a bit unpleasant. She was very polite about it though. You can't take me anywhere really.

Faux Fuchsia
FF is a CULT BLOGGER - she blogs about style, fashion, motherhood, cushions, the royal family - you name it. And through a fortuitous connection she is also friends with Mother Down Under, who introduced us one evening over a glass of red wine. Talk about freaking star struck. I've only read her blog like FOREVER! She is just as you might expect IRL. SUPER GLAM, very very funny and warm. I was awkward and dorky. But, oh well. We swapped mobile numbers so WE ARE TOTALLY FRIENDS NOW, RIGHT? AM I RIGHT??

The Very Inappropriate Blog
Ah, Rachel. Rachel my fellow lounge lizard. I read her blog and instantly knew - we were KINDRED SPIRITS. If you haven't read it then start here. I did. I've recently had the pleasure of sharing a rather boozey and mental weekend with Rachel and our other Lounge associate Kim. TRUE FRIENDS FOR LIFE FOR REALZ NOW!

HOW GOOD IS THIS PHOTO? Pretty good.

Falling Face First
Kimbo, Kimbooli, Kimbo Slice. Kim is my mum's favourite commenter on this blog, along with Sulky Kitten. Look, mum loves you all but I am allowing her favoritism just this once. Kim is a blonde bombshell, and writes with a witty flair about the trials of motherhood second only - well, second only to MEEEEE DAHHHHLINKS! I kid, I kid. Not about her being witty. We've shared a lot, have Rachel and Kim and I. WHAT GOES ON TOUR STAYS ON TOUR RIGHT PEEPS?

Before we started getting VERY INAPPROPRIATE and in danger of FALLING FACE FIRST - see what I did there?

A Cooker and a Looker
Amanda's blog is  AWESOME AND EXCELLENT. She takes good snaps and writes witty recipes and is downright high-larious. She once made me some biscuits and had them couriered to my house from the Sunshine Coast! I KNOW RIGHT! She also made the journey down to meet us on the weekend and helped nurse me through one of the worst hangovers of my life. Also, her oldest daughter, colloquially known as The Big Sister, and P, were immediate fast friends so everyone's a winner.

Hello you angels of hangover sustenance.

Have a Laugh on Me
Thanks, Em, don't mind if I do! Em and I met at my first bloggers meetup thingo (Amanda was there too) and we HIT IT OFF BABY! And also discovered we live practically two seconds away from each other. We've met up since for a park playdate that was cut short, due to an unfortunate incident that meant I was - oh God I can hardly say the words - FORCED TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON A THREAT! That is, I told P if she didn't stop being heinous we would have to LEAVE. SO, you know, we left. But here's hoping a ladies only WINE NIGHT might mean we can finish a conversation one day. 

The Tunnel Presents  
The Tunnel dudes write HILARIOUS and WITTY political satire, and have started a tradition of enacting humorous political scenes with LEGO. Also, it is vaguely possible that I might be a little bit related to one of them. A bit. Maybe. READ THIS BLOG - DO IT!


These are just a few of the awesome bloggers out there who have now become part of my life FOR REALZ. Motherhood is weird and finding kindred spirits out there has really meant the world.

Life is confusing and hard. We can help each other by reaching across the interwebs and making CONNECTIONS and shit. Maybe one day I will connect with you. And stuff.

Check ya!

I prescribe comfort reading.

Hello my dear readers. How I love and adore you all. Thank you for reading this blog. I haven't been posting much recently, I haven't been feeling like it.

I've alluded to feeling bad several times. I don't want to seem like I am "vagueblogging", a term I learnt recently that refers to people who drop vague hints about dramatic life events or personal torment to titillate their readership without going into too many details, in a sort of attention seeking and irritating fashion.

I also don't like being all earnest and issues-y. Look there's a time and a place and other blogging peeps rock the earnest genre but I'm not good at it, I come off moany and sort of emo, or like I'm hamming it up.

I thought I'd quickly be honest about things, in a way that suits me.  I want to quickly chat about stuff and then move on, and hope that it won't define me. I think it's probably good to mention things like this as part of a person but not to obsess about them. If we want to normalise being a bit crazy in the brain then we probably should treat it like any other chronic illness, like diabetes, and touch on it occasionally in a sort of matter of fact way without getting dramatic.  Sorry if I've offended anyone by saying that, and I hope nobody is getting too eye rolly about the whole thing.

Anyway the thing is I have rather a bad and sometimes debilitating problem with anxiety - in fact, I have GAD (Gad-zooks!) which stands for Generalised Anxiety Disorder.  I am sure I have had it my whole life but it is only in recent years that it has been formally identified.

At the moment, it is quite bad.

It doesn't really sound like a particularly debilitating thing, anxiety. It sort of sounds like you worry a bit about things, that you dwell on stuff, that if you tried hard enough to be POSITIVE you might be able to get on with it and just shut up.

It's not like that.  For me, over the years it has taken slightly different forms.

It's been with me as a sort of constant worrying and obsessive thought patterns, that when really bad caused me constant breathlessness and a never ending feeling of nervous butterflies in my tummy.

When P was a baby it developed into major depression. I took antidepressants and it was utterly life changing because I realised what it must feel like to be normal, there was an absence of something that had permanently dogged me.

At the moment I have sort of taken to thinking of my brain as a separate sort of spiteful entity that likes to torment me at random moments with heinous and frightening thoughts.

 I imagine my brain as the Samuel L Jackson character from Pulp Fiction, sort of torturing me and taunting me with ghastly thought patterns.

Suffice to say being regularly forced to relive stressful memories or walk through unbearable scenarios regularly and relentlessly is farking exhausting and leaves me at a low ebb, and it is quite tough getting simple things done, let alone commute to work and look after a family. I also get really run down and am constantly getting colds. The constant adrenalin running through my body renders me weak and depleted.

People with a genuine anxiety disorder can't just stop worrying, or keep calm, or whatever. They aren't "negative" or "whingers". If you are lucky enough not to know what it is like, then good for you, but you aren't more "positive" or "organised" or whatever, you just don't have this particular problem to deal with.

Props to you.

They have a brain that malfunctions. They have obsessive thought patterns that have worn a groove in the neural connections so deep it could be the doorsill at Westminster Abbey.

You can't tell them that other people have it better, it could be worse, first world problems, stop being so negative, think positive - because they know all that already. It's their arsehole psycho obsessive brains that don't get the message.

You can't change that overnight. 

 

There's plenty of things I can do to help myself and also people who I can and will engage to help me, I can't be bothered going into details but it's the old fish oil, exercise, psych, comfort reading Ladies Detective Agency novels blah blah.

Anyway, hey ho, this is me at the moment. I was toying with chucking the blog in completely because I am so tired all the time but I love it so I will just be a bit more relaxed and ad hoc about it, as suggested by my lovely Lounge Lizard colleagues.

I mean, when you feel like poo you just want to be miserable and talk about boo hoo topics and get all introspective and MOODY and frankly who wants to read that shizz - NOT ME AND NOT YOU I AM SURE!

It truly is a first world problem - I mean, obviously. I guess if I was living in sub-Saharan Africa I wouldn't have any time to be a mental I'd just be, you know, struggling to survive and avoid death from famine or war. But as it is I am a first world girl, living in a first world world, not getting enough exercise, running a busy stressful life and having a good old Celtic genetic tendency to be a mental.

At least I'm not an alcoholic. BONUS POINTS TO ME!

If you ever want to talk about this sort of thing feel free to email me about it.

Anyway, I feel better having said something about it, like I've unblocked myself again (and I don't mean digestively speaking, boom tish!).

Thank you for reading. When I get home this evening I will have a hot shower and do some comfort reading of the Ladies Detective Agency -  Mma Ramotswe and her endless talk of boiled pumpkin and Bush Tea are good for the soul.

Ahhhhhhhh.....


Yours in mentalness

Sarah

Slapdash da Vinci needs YOU!

So I'm feeling a bit crook at the moment and had to have yesterday and today off work. DON'T PANIC MUM!

Even though I am feeling off it was still so completely fantastic to be at home and not to have to make the poo of a commute into the city.

I've been lying around and thinking about how good it would be if I could work from home.

Is it too much to ask?  I've been thinking about it and I reckon I've got a plan.

I need a patron.

That show off Leonardo da Vinci had the Medici family practically CHUCKING money at him, right? I mean when they weren't all becoming Popes and whatnot. I don't see what's so special about HIM. I'll give him Renaissance (Wo)Man!

Ole Catherine de Medici just patronising the HELL out of the arts BACK IN THE DAY

I can turn my hand to just about anything! Politics, art, science, poo, farts, bottoms, poo, literature and farts! And I do it all with a smile and some bright lippy! WAY BETTER than all those dreary old robes and floppy hats that he used to get about in.

UGH Leonardo, those floppy hats are so, like, 1500s! YOU NEED SOME POPS OF COLOUR!

See how freaking artistic I am? And take note Leonardo - pops of colour! BAM! I am dead set misunderstood.

I have so much to GIVE! Why won't my talent be recognised? If only some kindly sugar daddy/mummy of a patron would take me under his/her wing and ply me with money, booze, jacuzzis and booze. OK I'd settle just for the money, I am not an unreasonable woman.

SOMEBODY GIVE ME MONEY TO VOMIT CRAP INTO THE ETHER, WON'T SOMEONE GIVE PEACE A CHANCE?

And when I say give peace a chance, I mean give me some money.

As I've mentioned, I've got a lot to offer. I mean, for starters, one of the really FASCINATING things about me is that, unlike everyone around the traps these days, I HAVE NO TATTOOS! That's right people! I have PRISTINE UNTOUCHED SKIN! Acres of it. I am a fleshy ink-free zone! Totally deviant in this day and age. I mean, no tattoos are the new tattoos.

I could totally flog off my HIGH VALUE REAL ESTATE (ie body) to the highest bidder.

Give me money to write and I will tattoo your name/business/political ideology on my arm*. I'll get a freaking SLEEVE, baby! If Mitchell Johnson can do it then so can I.

Or I could, you know, approach it more traditionally and do some of those old faithful sponsored posts for my devoted patron.

I've got some targets in mind.  People with more money than sense (SHHH DON'T TELL THEM I SAID THAT OR THEY WON'T GIVE ME ANY).  Here's my list of possible Slapdash Mama Patrons and Sponsors;

Clive Palmer

Clive, I could write you the sponsored post to end all sponsored posts. I mean, you need some HELP, right? With your IMAGE. What with the new party and all? And the dinosaur park and shit? I CAN HELP WITH THAT! I've got some concepts I've been thrashing around, like "Clive Palmer: More than just a billionaire [SPONSORED POST]", or "Clive Palmer: The Man Behind the Dinosaurs Behind the Titanic Behind the Party Behind the Man [SPONSORED POST], or "Mining! It's Awesome! Let's do all the Mining! Yeah! Mines! [SPONSORED POST]. This could work. IT TOTALLY COULD!

Tom Waterhouse

Well, any of the Waterhouse family really. Well, whoever isn't in jail after all the More Joyous shamozzle. I could do a sponsored post with GIVEAWAY! Tom could giveaway some, you know, HORSE TIPS, to the winner of my competition! About, um, ahem, his mum's horses, and like, the ones that have limps and, erm...well...yeah anyway something like that, WE CAN REFINE THE DETAILS!

Gina Rinehart

I think I could ask Gina to write a regular column on the ole blog on PARENTING! Like, how to have an awesome relationship with your daughters and how to cope when they SUE YOUR ARSE? Either that or I could insinuate myself into her life effortlessly until she finally chucks over ALL her ungrateful children and WRITES ME INTO HER WILL! Her family have quite the tradition of this sort of thing I think you will find. Then I could be a lady of leisure and prattle on the internet to my heart's content. Ok, ok, so maybe she'd make me write the occasional post about how EVIL the mining tax is, how the carbon tax is the devil's work,  and also about how bad the mining tax is, BUT WHO AM I TO QUESTION MY PATRON? I'm flexible, people! Needs must!

Or I could just try and get a job with Fairfax, IT'S BASICALLY THE SAME THING THESE DAYS RIGHT?! Boom tish!

OK, so this sounds like a plan. Of sorts.

OR....I could just decide to host some little ads on my blog and see if anyone wants to advertise on it.

THAT'S RIGHT! I've decided to host some ads on the blog! I AM SO CHEAP YOU WON'T EVEN BELIEVE IT! CHECK OUT MY REASONABLE PRICINGS HERE!

YES! This whole rambling post in which I compare myself to Leonardo da Vinci and suggest that I ask Clive Palmer to patronise me, is a roundabout way of announcing I AM GOING TO HOST ADVERTISING ON THE BLOG! CALL ME!

Let's see how this goes, eh? Anyone out there with a small business, I CAN HOOK YOU UP WITH SOME GOOD SHIT! Well, some pretty good shit. OK, some average shit.

Do YOU have more money than sense yourself? Or a jacuzzi? Fancy yourself a bit of a highbrow patron of the arts type? Or maybe even your own mining company? PLEASE CONTACT ME! CLIVE PALMER I AM LOOKING AT YOU!

*I probably won't actually do this. You know, what with the pain and the kind of stupidity of the concept.

Guest post from me.

Hello friends,
This week I am embracing slow blogging cos I am sick and the baby is sick. You know how it goes.

He and I are home again today. My throat is as raw as a raw throat.

But luckily here's one I prepared earlier! I done a guest post on my bloggie friend Mez's blog Listen Sookie.

She's doing a series called The Mama Files and asked me to bring my VERY SPECIAL AMAZING expertise to the topic of motherhood*.

I'm getting braver about putting my mug up on the internet too. I don't know if this is foolish or wise. I suspect foolish.

Anyway, click here to read the post

 

*I know! I have everyone fooled.

Blog Power Events.

Blog Power Events run workshops for bloggers, and they are holding one very soon, and they are giving away a free ticket!

As if I would need to go to a blogging workshop!? Pfft. Me? AS IF!

Look we all know that I am just amazingly talented and gifted in many different areas. I am the ULTIMATE MULTI TASKER!

It's actually REALLY HARD for me to think of ways I could be improved by such a workshop. I am practically perfect in every way already!

See! Practically perfect. Like the original super nanny herself.

Like, I am totes a fashion blogger - I can model awesome clothes REALLY WELL,  and have my finger on the pulse, fashion wise, as demonstrated in Exhibit A;

Yeah baby WORK IT!

I am skilled in photography, absolutely a PRO! Exhibit B -

Still life, with thumbs.

I am a SHAMELESS NETWORKER! Exhibit C;

Just hanging out with the Silver Budgie back in the day...

I am EXTREMELY good at all things techy. I am so awesome that I even know how to use the photocopier at work! Sometimes. If you only want a single A4 copy. Behold, Exhibit D;

Here I am just tappity tapping away on the ole computer, HIGH TECH STYLE!

See? I am already an expert at everything.

So look, basically after going through all that rigmarole I've realised I am just on top of pretty much everything, blogging wise, and frankly I can't IMAGINE what this Blog Power Events bizzo could possibly teach me.

I mean maybe I should be PRESENTING at the workshop! Yes I think I should!

I'll be waiting by the phone for their people to call my people. I am sure it will happen at ANY MOMENT!

DISCLAIMER: I do not actually know anything about blogging or photography or the interwebz or searching engine thingummies or anything. I was lying.

PICK ME!!!! PICK ME!!!!!!!! PICK MEEEEE!!!!!!!
*weeps quietly*

THE END.

The Slapdash Report has changed!

Hi everyone!

I know you are all just HANGING OUT for my latest Slapdash Report.

Well things have changed peeps and the lovely people at The Shake have allowed me to add my weekly current affairs ravings to their learned publication.

So now it is called The Shake Report!

I am so excited to be part of this new magazine and thrilled to be included.

 

Mollie Day GIVEAWAY! I'm NOT KIDDING!

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

This is a *SPONSORED POST*!

Kind of.

A-wooga! A-wooga! A-wooga!

OK we've got that DISCLAIMER out of the way.  I defy anyone to remain UN-WARNED after that red alert.

Guys I've been feeling a little glum. Usually I enjoy the HELL out of the journey, but I'm just feeling a bit tired and grey. I mean, usually I enjoy the journey so much I'm like some kind of drunk backpacker who gets lucky with a Swedish tourist on the Eurostar in the Chunnel.  That is some journey to enjoy.  But I've got sick kids, mundanity, work, not being able to concentrate, blah blah. Also I feel a bit anxious about my blog and my writing and wondering WHY AM I DOING IT? Am I crap? What's my GOAL? WHAT TO DO?

So, not enjoying the journey too much.

But it's my birthday next week. The 27th in case anyone is interested.  I will be 21 AGAIN! So young. SO much to live for. So I thought I would do something SPECIAL so we can all ENJOY THE JOURNEY LIKE MOFOS again!

And that special something is a real, live GENUINE, NO JOKE GIVEAWAY!

I am EXCITED.

Going with my recent Mum Fash Blogger incarnation, I have been lucky enough to be given 3 Mollie Day clutches to give away to my readers.

You can find the Mollie Day store at http://www.mollieday.com.au/

Mollie Day is an online store dedicated about fusing femininity, style and elegance at affordable prices.  Each item is exquisitely decorated with beauty in mind, adding an understated and radiant accent to any outfit - day or evening.

Olivia from Mollie Day gifted me with one for my birthday too!

Here are the three I have to give away!

The Jennie - in silver 

The Gwen

The Charlotte - in Green

I know, pretty cool. They are sitting in my bedroom as we speak.

To enter, please leave me a comment on this post telling me which one you like best!
You don't have to be a FB liker or follower but I STRONGLY ENCOURAGE IT haha. 

Feel free to tell others.

I will draw three names randomly on my birthday, the 27th March.

By way of closing, and in keeping with my fashion theme, I present a few more recent OOTD pics from this week. Once again I grow weary of the usual poses and have introduced some of my own.

Here I am modelling my new clutch! It's the Regina in yellow. Check ME out!

Work shoes Monday. 

Work outfit Monday. This pose is called "Interpretive Dance with Toothbrush"

Weekend outfit. "Imma Little Teapot Comin ATCHA!" pose

Weekend shoes. 

 Good luck readers!

EDITED TO ADD: THIS GIVEAWAY COMPETITION IS NOW CLOSED!!!!