I'm a pretty lazy person, when all is said and done. Motherhood has challenged my natural lazy instincts like you wouldn't believe. No more lying on the couch for a whole weekend reading. Unfair.
Anyway lazy mothers still have to try and come up with shit to entertain their kids with so I thought I would prepare a series of Lazy Mothering Tips.
Here's the first one.
When the kids are doing your head in, crank up some tunes and dance maniacally at them until they stop whinging. It really freaks them out. I just go for it and pretend it is the year 2000 and I am cutting moves in Super Delux in the Valley. ANyone remember that place? If you ever read this post I wrote a little while ago you will remember that I had years of training in this particular technique. I used to use it as a way to torment my younger brother.
Hahaha.
As well as being lazy I am also prone to obsessions. Particularly with songs. I play them over and over and over until I never want to hear them again. Many of my former housemates can attest to this irritating habit.
Currently these are the songs I am obsessed with. Feel free to copy my playlist and let me know if my technique of bamboozle and distract works for you too.
P's favourite is the last one. Fo' sho'.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Wenatex bloggers event. AND A GIVEAWAY!
Good day loyal readership.
Thursday is, as always, the weekly Lounge Linkup. This week it is being hosted by the wonderful Kim Frost's blog Falling Face First. And the topic, you may be pleasantly surprised to note, is FAILS and STUFF UPS and so forth. I wouldn't know anything about that now would I?
Hmmmmmmmm.....
Well, it just so happens that I recently got invited to my first ever proper bloggers product event thingie the other week. Blog Power Events organised a morning tea, hosted by a company called Wenatex.
Never heard of them? I hadn't either! I was intrigued, nay, DELIGHTED to be invited. I mean WHO WOULDN'T?! I was dead set excited. I HAD FINALLY MADE IT ON THE BLOGGING SCENE, PEEPS!
I was quite nervous, but determined to make an EXCELLENT impression. I workshopped my outfit, booked in my Dad to babysit the dumplings, and Google mapped the hell out of the directions to the venue.
Or did I? Well to be perfectly honest what I did was what I ALWAYS DO. Despite my notoriously poor sense of direction, I quickly Googled the directions, took a bit of a look at them and said to myself "OH YES THAT LOOKS SO EASY I DON'T EVEN NEED TO REALLY WRITE THEM DOWN OR ANYTHING I CAN TOTALLY SEE HOW TO GET THERE! TOTALLY!" and headed off on my merry way.
OK so maybe when I headed off I might have already been about 1/2 hour late, but I said to myself "I can totally make up the time, it's not peak hour, there will be no traffic, PIECE OF CAKE!"
There was traffic. Oh lord was there traffic. Some sort of crazy accident or road works or whatever. Who knows, whatever it was had disappeared and left behind a traffic jam of epic proportions. OK maybe not epic but STILL BIG! I tried to be as ZEN as a MOFO about it but I could see the dice weren't exactly rolling my way.
I finally got into Brisbane and over the Gateway Bridge, and somehow was in the general vicinity of the venue, with enough time up my sleeve that could lead me there ON TIME! I know, I was pretty surprised too.
It was then I reached a crossroads. My inadequate scratchings on the back of an envelope merely stated the road I had to turn into, it didn't say which way to turn. The options were left OR right. I took a punt and turned left.
It was not the right decision. As I drove further and further along, I started to realize I was almost in the city. This was not good. By now the odds were firmly stacked against me ever arriving on time. I screeched over into a sidestreet and re-Googled the directions. "Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry!" I told myself. "IT'S GONNA BE OK."
I think I then proceeded to take approximately 17 million wrong turns before finally arriving at the venue. I then did about twenty drive bys before I could find a corner of the street to park in.
So all in all, I arrived, sweaty, red faced and flustered, about 45 MINUTES LATE.
I know. How embarrassing. I guess it was kind of ON BRAND though, you know, SLAPDASH MAMA SHE SO CRAZY kind of thing.
Anyway, lucky for me, when I arrived there was an AMAZING bed, doona, pillow, fancy pants high tea spread and Pimms to soothe my savage breast.
Because it turns out Wenatex manufacture and sell sleep related gear - mattresses, pillows, doonas, you name it.
Here I am recovering from my difficult journey...
Now that is a woman who is in need of a comfy bed. I am here to say that this was undoubtedly the comfiest bed I have ever had the pleasure of reclining on. I mean, maybe I'm no judge, what with my old school foam mattress on a single bed that I had until I was 18, but still. Comfy! Comfy as!
Wenatex is a European company and by God do those Europeans love a good lie down, am I right? I mean, siestas and naps left, right and centre! And apart from being as comfy as all get out, all the products are also free from chemicals harmful to humans, which is a very good thing indeed.
And apparently, according to our presenter, "intimacy" is also "AMAZING" on these mattresses. If you get my drift.
PHWOAAARRRR!
Some of their products are stuffed with their own special blend of secret herbs and spices, all designed to help you sleep. No, not THOSE secret herbs and spices!
Also the pillows have SILVER in them, so WATCH OUT WEREWOLVES, OK!? Or am I thinking of vampires?
Anyway pretty sure that if you had one of these herb stuffed mattress things or a silver pillow you would be safe from vampires AND werewolves*.
We got a pillow each as a present and I can tell you now I have NOT been attacked by a werewolf OR a vampire since.
You can read more about Wenatex on their website here
You too could have this protection! Wenatex have given me this pillow to give away to one lucky reader!
To enter, you must complete the following challenges.
Tell me in the comments why you DESERVE a good night's sleep! I will be choosing the answer that amuses me the most so try and make it FUNNY!
If you wanted to go and like the blog's Facebook page that would be pretty cool too. WINK WINK!
The winner will be announced in a fortnight, on Thursday 22nd July.
EDITED TO ADD: OH GOD SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHY I WROTE THIS. Thursday isn't the 22nd! I will change the date to MONDAY 22nd JULY.
*May not actually provide protection against supernatural life forms.
DISCLAIMER: I was gifted a cool pillow. I am very lucky. I didn't receive any other payment for this giveaway. OK?
Thursday is, as always, the weekly Lounge Linkup. This week it is being hosted by the wonderful Kim Frost's blog Falling Face First. And the topic, you may be pleasantly surprised to note, is FAILS and STUFF UPS and so forth. I wouldn't know anything about that now would I?
Hmmmmmmmm.....
Well, it just so happens that I recently got invited to my first ever proper bloggers product event thingie the other week. Blog Power Events organised a morning tea, hosted by a company called Wenatex.
Never heard of them? I hadn't either! I was intrigued, nay, DELIGHTED to be invited. I mean WHO WOULDN'T?! I was dead set excited. I HAD FINALLY MADE IT ON THE BLOGGING SCENE, PEEPS!
I was quite nervous, but determined to make an EXCELLENT impression. I workshopped my outfit, booked in my Dad to babysit the dumplings, and Google mapped the hell out of the directions to the venue.
Or did I? Well to be perfectly honest what I did was what I ALWAYS DO. Despite my notoriously poor sense of direction, I quickly Googled the directions, took a bit of a look at them and said to myself "OH YES THAT LOOKS SO EASY I DON'T EVEN NEED TO REALLY WRITE THEM DOWN OR ANYTHING I CAN TOTALLY SEE HOW TO GET THERE! TOTALLY!" and headed off on my merry way.
OK so maybe when I headed off I might have already been about 1/2 hour late, but I said to myself "I can totally make up the time, it's not peak hour, there will be no traffic, PIECE OF CAKE!"
There was traffic. Oh lord was there traffic. Some sort of crazy accident or road works or whatever. Who knows, whatever it was had disappeared and left behind a traffic jam of epic proportions. OK maybe not epic but STILL BIG! I tried to be as ZEN as a MOFO about it but I could see the dice weren't exactly rolling my way.
I finally got into Brisbane and over the Gateway Bridge, and somehow was in the general vicinity of the venue, with enough time up my sleeve that could lead me there ON TIME! I know, I was pretty surprised too.
It was then I reached a crossroads. My inadequate scratchings on the back of an envelope merely stated the road I had to turn into, it didn't say which way to turn. The options were left OR right. I took a punt and turned left.
It was not the right decision. As I drove further and further along, I started to realize I was almost in the city. This was not good. By now the odds were firmly stacked against me ever arriving on time. I screeched over into a sidestreet and re-Googled the directions. "Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry!" I told myself. "IT'S GONNA BE OK."
I think I then proceeded to take approximately 17 million wrong turns before finally arriving at the venue. I then did about twenty drive bys before I could find a corner of the street to park in.
So all in all, I arrived, sweaty, red faced and flustered, about 45 MINUTES LATE.
I know. How embarrassing. I guess it was kind of ON BRAND though, you know, SLAPDASH MAMA SHE SO CRAZY kind of thing.
Anyway, lucky for me, when I arrived there was an AMAZING bed, doona, pillow, fancy pants high tea spread and Pimms to soothe my savage breast.
Because it turns out Wenatex manufacture and sell sleep related gear - mattresses, pillows, doonas, you name it.
Here I am recovering from my difficult journey...
Wenatex is a European company and by God do those Europeans love a good lie down, am I right? I mean, siestas and naps left, right and centre! And apart from being as comfy as all get out, all the products are also free from chemicals harmful to humans, which is a very good thing indeed.
And apparently, according to our presenter, "intimacy" is also "AMAZING" on these mattresses. If you get my drift.
PHWOAAARRRR!
Some of their products are stuffed with their own special blend of secret herbs and spices, all designed to help you sleep. No, not THOSE secret herbs and spices!
Also the pillows have SILVER in them, so WATCH OUT WEREWOLVES, OK!? Or am I thinking of vampires?
Anyway pretty sure that if you had one of these herb stuffed mattress things or a silver pillow you would be safe from vampires AND werewolves*.
We got a pillow each as a present and I can tell you now I have NOT been attacked by a werewolf OR a vampire since.
You can read more about Wenatex on their website here
You too could have this protection! Wenatex have given me this pillow to give away to one lucky reader!
| 1 Wenatex Silvermed Plus classic pillow - http://www.wenatex.com.au/ |
I know! That is one high quality pillow right there!
To enter, you must complete the following challenges.
Tell me in the comments why you DESERVE a good night's sleep! I will be choosing the answer that amuses me the most so try and make it FUNNY!
If you wanted to go and like the blog's Facebook page that would be pretty cool too. WINK WINK!
The winner will be announced in a fortnight, on Thursday 22nd July.
EDITED TO ADD: OH GOD SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHY I WROTE THIS. Thursday isn't the 22nd! I will change the date to MONDAY 22nd JULY.
*May not actually provide protection against supernatural life forms.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Cold. Yoga. Hirsutism.
Hi guys.
Hope your week is traveling well.
I was doing a spot of fairly inadvisable reading of the Slapdash Mama back catalogue today. Apart from the whole UGHHHHH people are reading the SHITE I am writing feeling I got, I was also struck by a common thread. So common, in fact, that it is in fact referred to as the COMMON COLD. That's right. A considerable number of my erudite missives are complaints about either me or (God forbid) M or the kids having a bloomin' cold. Just SO INTERESTING for everyone I am sure.
Well GUESS WHAT!!?? I have a cold. Right now. This minute. The kids and M are just recovering from one too.
Despite my suffering I still went to work. I'm not sure if this wasn't seen in a negative light by my colleagues what with the wastepaper basket overflowing with snotty tissues and all, but a working mother never has any sick leave to waste. Don't get me started on that.
I also dragged my carcass up to the yoga class I go to at work at lunchtime. I was VERY unenthusiastic, but felt compelled to attend. Mostly because I had forgotten to make my payment to the organisers and had to scab $65 off my longsuffering yet cheery workmate MG. I understandably felt that after his generous loan I really couldn't skip it, more's the pity.
Anyway it was quite a stressful class, what with my stuffed up snout rendering my yogic breathing ineffectual, and my feeble attempts to conceal my utterly feral unshaved legs from the rest of the class. I am determined not to weaken and shave my hairy pins until the end of winter, when I can start a brand new regime of waxing, and therefore hopefully reduce the amount of time I spend attending to my body hair. Anyway I spent a goodly amount of the class today lying flat on my back gazing at the ceiling. Still, it's the thought that counts.
Speaking of body hair, I am totally over mine. Or should I say, it is totally over me! Like ALL OVER ME! I have always been a fairly hirsute lady, but I swear as I get older I get hairier and hairier. I am developing a veritable beard. Not a day goes by when I don't suddenly catch sight of my chin hairs glinting in the sunlight and have to make a hasty dash for the tweezers. Maybe I should just grow it and get a job as a bearded lady? I could have my own You Tube channel, that seems all the rage these days.
My legs are bloody hairy too, and my bikini line (if you can call it that!) goes almost to my knees.
I've ranted about this before but frankly it's worth repeating. I sort of felt the need to apologise for it at my last de-pelting at the beauticians.
"I swear I'm just getting HAIRIER and HAIRIER! I mean it's practically down to my KNEES now!" I remarked to her.
She shrugged disinterestedly and said, in an accent reminiscent of the Gay Mancunian Heroin Addict caracter "Keanu Reevess" from Saxondale, "Oh, it's just hormonal, all that hair is. Hor-MON-al."
Fuck you hormones, you've been the bain of my existence since I was an early blooming twelve year old, with a bra strap ripe for the snapping by over excited pre teen boys.
Anyway I will leave you with a snippet of a Saxondale episode, featuring aforementioned Gay Mancunian character, for the unenlightened of you who aren't familiar with it. Enjoy.
Hope your week is traveling well.
I was doing a spot of fairly inadvisable reading of the Slapdash Mama back catalogue today. Apart from the whole UGHHHHH people are reading the SHITE I am writing feeling I got, I was also struck by a common thread. So common, in fact, that it is in fact referred to as the COMMON COLD. That's right. A considerable number of my erudite missives are complaints about either me or (God forbid) M or the kids having a bloomin' cold. Just SO INTERESTING for everyone I am sure.
Well GUESS WHAT!!?? I have a cold. Right now. This minute. The kids and M are just recovering from one too.
Despite my suffering I still went to work. I'm not sure if this wasn't seen in a negative light by my colleagues what with the wastepaper basket overflowing with snotty tissues and all, but a working mother never has any sick leave to waste. Don't get me started on that.
I also dragged my carcass up to the yoga class I go to at work at lunchtime. I was VERY unenthusiastic, but felt compelled to attend. Mostly because I had forgotten to make my payment to the organisers and had to scab $65 off my longsuffering yet cheery workmate MG. I understandably felt that after his generous loan I really couldn't skip it, more's the pity.
Anyway it was quite a stressful class, what with my stuffed up snout rendering my yogic breathing ineffectual, and my feeble attempts to conceal my utterly feral unshaved legs from the rest of the class. I am determined not to weaken and shave my hairy pins until the end of winter, when I can start a brand new regime of waxing, and therefore hopefully reduce the amount of time I spend attending to my body hair. Anyway I spent a goodly amount of the class today lying flat on my back gazing at the ceiling. Still, it's the thought that counts.
Speaking of body hair, I am totally over mine. Or should I say, it is totally over me! Like ALL OVER ME! I have always been a fairly hirsute lady, but I swear as I get older I get hairier and hairier. I am developing a veritable beard. Not a day goes by when I don't suddenly catch sight of my chin hairs glinting in the sunlight and have to make a hasty dash for the tweezers. Maybe I should just grow it and get a job as a bearded lady? I could have my own You Tube channel, that seems all the rage these days.
My legs are bloody hairy too, and my bikini line (if you can call it that!) goes almost to my knees.
I've ranted about this before but frankly it's worth repeating. I sort of felt the need to apologise for it at my last de-pelting at the beauticians.
"I swear I'm just getting HAIRIER and HAIRIER! I mean it's practically down to my KNEES now!" I remarked to her.
She shrugged disinterestedly and said, in an accent reminiscent of the Gay Mancunian Heroin Addict caracter "Keanu Reevess" from Saxondale, "Oh, it's just hormonal, all that hair is. Hor-MON-al."
Fuck you hormones, you've been the bain of my existence since I was an early blooming twelve year old, with a bra strap ripe for the snapping by over excited pre teen boys.
Anyway I will leave you with a snippet of a Saxondale episode, featuring aforementioned Gay Mancunian character, for the unenlightened of you who aren't familiar with it. Enjoy.
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