Thursday, February 7, 2013

The Slapdash Report: Election 2013 edition.


DISCLAIMER: This report is TOTALLY BIPARTISAN and APOLITICAL.

It's got bipartisan-ship and apolitical-ness-ism coming out the whazoo!!

SECOND DISCLAIMER: Some broad called Corinne Grant wrote this article in the Hoopla today, somewhat taking the wind out of my proverbial sails.  But I will carry on nobly, even though bitch stole my story.  I mean who is she anyway? Some nobody*.

Having this blog means that I can now live out my lifelong dream of becoming a famous and highly regarded election commentator and political analyst.  I've waited years to show up that cocky Antony Green character and now's my chance.  I don't know about you, but whenever he's on the telly, I have to fight back an overwhelming desire to shout things at him like "Would it KILL you to make a prediction Antony?! Take a risk!!!" and "Obviously the figures aren't in yet you dork!" and even "Damn your graphics to hell Antony why don't they EVER WORK!?!".

So move over dude, the Slapdash Report is here to tell it like it is.

I'm just going to apply my mad skillz at synopsis writing (as previously displayed here and here) to the cut and thrust of the political world, and make it accessible to the man on the street. Because there's a NICHE for this shizz, peeps, and I am exploiting it like there's no tomorrow. I'm taking my inspiration from everyone's favourite finance presenter Alan Kohler and his amusing graphs and chatty manner - he makes economics fun!  Oh clever me! No-one would ever have thought to write  and/or present an amusing synopsis of the week’s political events for the entertainment of others**. What a breath of fresh air I am.   That Walkley Award gets closer every day. 

So now for the weekly synopsis.

WARNING: This synopsis contains NOTHING MUCH.  Turns out I don't know anything about what the frig is going down policy wise. My bad. You'll just have to Google that shit this week.


  • Tony Abbott didn't get the memo that Aboriginal people lived in Australia for a teensy while before Europeans turned up.
  • Craig Thomson's faced court for a gazillion different fraud charges that all basically boil down to using the work credit card to pay for prossies and porn.  He denies it. Some peeps want him to resign from parliament.  He says hell no, he won't go.  To be continued...
  • Nicola Roxon and Chris Evans, old stalwarts from Joolz' cabinet, have resigned.  High spirited scamp and renowned humourist Chris Pyne reckons it's starting to look like the last days of Hitler's government .  Nic and Chris say it's just that they are fucking tired of never seeing their kids.  Whatever.
  • This has meant Joolz had to shuffle the cabinet around like a deck of cards (hey I bet nobody's used that analogy before!). 
  • The latest poll showed the ALP are doing way worse than the last poll.  But then someone pointed out hardly anyone voted in the poll 'cos they were all battling fires and floods and famine and pestilence.  Make of that what you will.
  • Federal Parliament had it's first sitting week of the year.  I know, how did you all miss that one!  I for one have been glued to the radio listening to Question Time like there's no tomorrow. I know how to enjoy myself.
  • Some chancy buggers put a whole lot of bets on that the election would be called for September.  Wish I'd thought of it.  Nothing ever works out for me. Sob.



Some other shizz undoubtedly went down but I'm running out of steam so -  there's my first edition of the Slapdash Report aka the SPEED BLOGGER'S GUIDE TO POLITICS all finished.

Disappointed?  Enraged?  Feel it was lacking in depth and policy analysis? Me too!  I'll try harder next time.

Maybe.





*OK, I'm kidding.   Corinne Grant is obviously a super funny lady with plenty of political nous and a lot of cred.  And I am not.  Carry on.  Read her story though it is good.
**Editor’s note: Please don’t tell Sarah about the Daily Show, the Colbert Report, The Chaser, even that “brilliant” example of political satire “Pineapple Politics” in the Courier Mail, or actual excellent current affairs inspired blog The Tunnel Presents (or any other of the million examples of this genre).  She will totally lose it. And I’m a bit scared of her. Last week she threw her mobile phone at me when I told her there was an American blog already called “Slap Dash Mom”, and then she burst into hysterical tears until I placated her by firing some interns.  Let’s just keep this to ourselves, for my sake, please?

30 comments:

  1. I have NO idea who these people are - but I still enjoyed reading it!

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    1. Oh the Australian political landscape is a complex and challenging environment, full of starry eyed idealists and passion.
      Not. hehe.

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  2. Slapdash - Well done my young Padwan. Keep using your powers to bring balance to the force.
    BTW: My father has been known to throw missiles at the TV when Antony Green comes on. Alan Kohler is some seriously tasty Thinking Womens' Crumpet (TWC). He raises my interest rates that's for sure. ;-)

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    1. I hear you re Alan. Although Kerry O'Brien is still my illicit old man tv journo crush. I'm loyal.

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  3. Love it Sarah! You never cease to make me have a good chuckle. I admit to not having had much chance to read your blog of late, even though I have a direct link to it on my iPhone. Keep it up!!

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    1. How dare you not read my blog regularly Karen! And you call yourself a friend. I'm disgusted.

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  4. Thanks! enjoyed reading that :)Hope to read more of your thoughts on the election!

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    1. Oh there will be plenty more Emma! Thanks for commenting.

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  5. Haha...excellent! I'm all up to date now, thanks :)

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  6. I look forward to your next analysis - may it be as slapdash as this.

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  7. Love this, Slapdash. Tickled my funny bone with ye ol' political feather (ooer, naughty). Will this be a weekly thing? Kx

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    1. Yes it will be! I'm only to happy to shove some dot points together and call it a report, that's what i do at work all day haha! Thanks for commenting!

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  8. DUDE! You've converted me! THis is the first entertaining take on politics since… ever. Ok, I can't discount those gorgeous Chaser boys who give me such joy, but you, my dear, have OUTDONE YOURSELF!
    I look forward to many more. And yours will be my only insight into the forthcoming election, because it is already making me sick. So there. That's a lot of pressure. Hope you're up to it! xx

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    1. THanks Kim! Luckily I work well under pressure! Now where's that bottle of gin...

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  9. I love this post so hard.

    I hate politics (and my Father in Law is a half arsed politician, running for office).

    I couldn't even tell you which party he's with?

    Don't ask me who Joolz and Cock Jocks' respective parties are either.

    I'm going to tune in to your version of political events because they are far more bloody entertaining than the bitchy school yard style taunts and insults that go down in that big building where the politicians all sit and nod off.

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    1. Welcome! Let me do the legwork for you! I'm only too happy to slap together a weekly update for the busy blog reader. Although I am deadset less on top of things than I once would have been. Never mind! Onwards and upwards! Thanks for commenting!

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  10. Dont know Alan Kohler but you sure make the rest of the players more interesting ...and my federal MP is the ex rock star

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    1. Alan Kohler is a living legend. xxThats quite cool about your local Member! Mine is rather less glam.

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  12. Great post :) Sadly, I have nothing insightful to offer as I think 99% of the time politicians are lying sacks of shit who should not be allowed to run the local PAFA let alone allowed any input on my life. I would like to see a law implemented where if pollies break their pre election promises they do prison time. And there endeth my rant :)

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    1. I work with politicians and I have lots of respect for them, It's a hugely demanding role. But they are human of course and some bad/funny/hopeless crap goes down!

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  14. Way more entertaining than, well, most political wraps in fact. Thanks!

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  15. Well written! Keep it up and I can't wait for the next installment! Emily

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  16. Best political commentary I've read all week!

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